I like fighting, as a sport and life I guess. I really want it all to end. But I can’t bring myself to end it, I really want something out of my control to give me a fight I can’t win for my demise. Apparently that’s tougher than it seems, I’ve been hit by 2 cars in 1 week and it left me with little more than some bruises. I’ve survived 7 attempts (apparently I’m bad at it) and numerous accidents growing up and I wake up almost astonished that I’m still on the planet. I seriously walk around miserable and I can’t do anything […]
So I don’t think my story has a happy ending, but at the very least I can’t realize it anymore. Thanks to my good friends/new band mates I guess I’m doing better. Let me explain, I am no longer suicidal, just bitter not that I realize it. I don’t know if turning to drugs was the right choice necessarily but being ripped out of my head makes things much easier to deal with. I don’t know, I still want to not exist but not being in my own mind makes it easier, and expressing through music gets my message out in a vague way that […]
It’s official I’ve gone crazy. I know I have but I can’t find a solution. I want to die, but I can’t bring myself to do it. and the only person in this entire world that I love and want doesn’t want me.  what do I do now…
well except that I think a lot of drugs might be coming.
As long as you have 1 reason life is worth living. I lost that 1 reason. I’m not really sure what is holding me here, but I think it might be my own fear. I don’t know how many posts I will have since I’m getting pretty determined at this point. I think I might just crash my car into a wall. “Better to love and lost then never to have loved at all”, that line is wrong. It is very very wrong.
I think I finally reached the end….I’m not sure how yet, but I finally reached it.
I’m losing it. Â You know its bad when you are hoping something bad happens to you. Â I just think I’m done at this point. Â I just don’t want to deal with it. Â I just want it to be all over.
seriously I think I’m losing it. It’s like my mind is eating itself with bad thoughts and I don’t think I can handle it at this point. I need to feel nothing at this point. I can’t bring myself to commit suicide at this point, I have too many failed attempts to mess up again. I just kind of want to not exist? but never have existed I think is a more accurate term. I see my therapist on Wed. but I don’t know how it will go, I think he is going to give me skills to cope which I don’t know how that […]
I’ve come to the conclusion that in my life it would be best if I felt nothing ever. I’m never really happy, but sadness, anxiety, anger, frustration tends to surround me completely at this point. I need to move along in my life and I think the only way I could do that is to feel nothing. I don’t want emotions. For me it’s either I wish to have never existed or feel nothing. I can only do one of those at this point. If anyone knows of antidepressant meds that could help me accomplish this? Or any other way?
like honestly, I think the […]
I’m here today because I’m feeling extra depressed. Yesterday I actually counted my attempts and I realized I’m up to 7. What do you do when the only person in your life that ever made you happy doesn’t want to be with you? They tell you they love you and still care about you but are determined not to be with you. After all the promises we made about never letting something like this happen and she did it anyway. I can’t recall any dream I’ve ever had but now I dream every single night about her. Happy dreams where shes with me, then I […]
So this is my first post and I’m either afraid I will leave out too many details or give too many details. I’m not really sure who will read this but there is no happy ending to this story. Here we go.
To start things off I’ve never been truly happy I suppose. I’ve lived pretty rough at this point. Early on in life I dealt with an abusive sibling who being much older tortured me in ways I dare not say at this point. Things seemed to ease up upon taking up gymnastics which gave me an outlet to do things. However this gave me untold […]