snader

Moving on, as a concept, is easy.
It is breathing – automatically as we do – and taking one step after another. It is walking forward with a hint of hindsight in the back of your eyes and a gleam of hope in front of them. It is doing what people tell you is ‘best, is most normal for people in your situation’ as if they have any idea what that situation is and as if they can categorize you like they do the poor and the rich. ‘Look here ladies and gentlemen, one of the different classes of society: the grievers. Undoubtedly self loathing […]

I always expect certain things (long holidays, being loved, graduation, giving and receiving affection etc.) to ‘set me free’. To cure me from this – whatever it is. So I keep going until I reach them and expect them to magically change things.
Of course, they don’t. The days pass again and it all feels like a foolish way I’ve tricked myself into staying alive

I wish I could stop doing it, I wish I could just find the courage to die.

and that still baffles me. Five years ago my brother started his senior year in high school. That summer we had the best family holiday ever, just the four of us, visiting towns and eating ice cream and goofing around at the pool. When school started again, we went back to our usual routines: my brother and I got up, brushed our teeth together and ate breakfast together. Some mornings we’d joke around, other mornings we’d be too tired to say much. But at least we did it together. We came home together and nagged about stupid people or talked about our day while eating […]

… the world or the universe or whatever is just against you? I always feel like nothing good comes to me, without there being a negative side or event. Like it’s a give and take: if I do this and get this which I would like, what will I have taken from me in return?
Like an eye for and eye, something good for something bad. And it’s something I see confirmed in everything I do, and I know I know – the more I want to see it, the more I do. The more I think this is how things work, the more I’ll […]

I am stuck on a train miles and miles away from him. And this piece of shit isn’t going fast enough, I need to be there now now now. I needed to be there an hour ago. But distance is real and teleporting is not and so I am stuck, waiting for time to pass by, hoping somehow time itself will realise this is an emergency and speed up x2.
My boyfriend is in the hospital for stomach aches and vomiting and feeling like utter crap. They’re taking scans and photos and examining him but so far they don’t know shit. Just that he’s unwell. […]

Today I felt mildly insane again. I wanted to stab myself in the eye with a knife.
Today was not a good day.

‘Everything will be okay.’ In the almost 5 years that my brother has been gone, nobody has ever bothered to tell me things would work out and it would be okay. Not even once. Which is baffling to me, isn’t that what people in my surroundings were supposed to say? That, eventually, it would work out and I would be okay again? I was so young, only 14, and no adult in my life bothered to even try and reassure me that in the end, it’d be fine? Until a few months ago, when I met my boyfriend and told him about the brother I […]

Maybe that is the tragedy. That we had a taste of what having you in our lives was like, next to us and with us and sometimes a little further away from us. But always still here, somewhere near enough for me to call for you and for you to hear. Sixteen short and sweet and sour years. The way we saw you grow and blossom and sometimes crawl back in your shell. How I saw you grow older and wiser and yet sometimes you’d do stupid shit because that is what being a teen is like. How I heard your laugh grow deeper and […]

I love my parents to bits, but fucking hell, I hate them too (actually only my mother, my dad is the funniest and sweetest and most peace-keeping man ever). I’ve always had a really rocky relationship with my mother. She likes to force me to do shit she couldn’t do when she was younger. Like go on camps (when she knew I would bawl my eyes out every night bc I’ve always been a homesick little kid). Go to a youth movement (even though I hated the people there and had 1 friend). Study Latin in secondary school. Go to uni straight after graduating, not […]

Sometimes I feel like the most fucked up fucker there is. My head is so torn between living and dying. For a while I’ve been having really conflicting thoughts again.
I saw a puppy yesterday. It was white and fluffy and young. It was especially happy, ecstatic of joy and full of life. He jumped towards me and started smelling everything and licking my hand and just being it’s little puppy self. For at least 5 minutes after he left, I couldn’t stop smiling. Animals make me really fuzzy and warm inside.
Then I went home and every single time when I wait for a […]

for my next birthday, or the upcoming christmas and new year when people ask me what i’d like to get as a present, i wish i could say:

“the courage to actually go ahead and kill myself”

being stuck in between not dying and not living is a fucking grey ass limbo
i hate it
but i wouldn’t want it any other way

i am self harming and have not been this suicidal in years
harming myself has never felt this good and i am so tempted to run out the house towards the tracks to just finally have some peace
i am merely a broken mess, i would be missed yes, but i would not miss myself
i only miss my brother

my phone got stolen while i was out partying and i am in tears.
i don’t give a shit about my iPhone itself, but there are notes on there, 4 years of notes on and about my brother. I have them nowhere else, not on iCloud or whatever. I have been hysterically crying for almost 2 days now.
It feels like losing him all over again. It was 4 years of memories i didn’t want to forget, gone. I am left with nothing. I feel really suicidal and don’t fucking tell me it’s stupid to want to kill myself over this.
it’s a final draw, […]

i am not incredibly suicidal or planning on making an attempt

things are not unusually difficult right now, nothing special going on

i am just deeply saddened, inherently unhappy. that is all.

This may sound incredibly stupid, but I had an amazing yoga class (which is always pared with a bit of mindfulness) and wanted to share this with you all.

Acknowledge whatever it is you feel: sadness, anger, despair, fear, loneliness, whatever it is. Acknowledge that it’s there. They are allowed to be there, they have their place. Suppressing them will only come back to bite you in the ass.
Then soften it, try and take off the sharp edges of the feeling. Be gentle towards yourself and use that kindness to soften whatever you’re experiencing.
Then: let. them. go. You can feel these feelings, but don’t […]

some nights i just want to get up and scream at my walls and write my brothers name everywhere, to make him more ‘here’ more present more alive

and i am tired of thinking because my mind jumps and twists and grief will fade but i come back to this
i always come back to this

I am sad to the core of my being. My day fucking sucked. I’ve been cherishing this death wish for a few months again. Thought I was better, but I’m crawling back to the darkness. Living is such an ordeal, it fucking sucks. There’s my brother and uni and my eating disorder and self harm and there’s a guy. Sad thing is he used to make me happy. Made me forgot how badly I want to die. Now he makes it worse. Yet I keep allowing him back in my life and I don’t get why. I’m not sure if it’s because I love him […]

It’s my birthday and I’m not sure whether I want to make the best of today or want to cry because I’m still not dead yet.

The thought, the truth, the fact, that I can choose to end my life at whatever moment I choose, is soothing. Nobody can decide this for you or even hold you back from deciding if you wanna live or die. Setting a date for killing myself, gives me peace of mind. It gets me calmer, reminding myself how I have the highest power in my own life.

I’m being weird again. A few days ago, I started with self harming again. I don’t even know why.
It was so trivial. I was lighting a candle with a match. And I lit another one just to watch the flame ignite and then grow and shrink again. After the third, I randomly took the match and pressed it against my wrist. Needless to say, it hurt. So I did it again and again, giving myself burn marks.

I have blisters now. Fucking idiot. See, I am an absolute nutjob. Somehow even a fucking match makes me be destructive. And i’m not even in such […]