My New Years resolution is to stop cutting and to not to attempt suicide  this year. I’m going to try and love myself… But it’s easier said than done and I’m trying to ignore the  tugging feeling I feel the one that wants me to slice my arms .
Dear Gma,
what can I say but you were such an inspirational, strong women. You helped me through one of my toughest times. You acted as a grandmother and as a mentor when i had no one. You provided shelter for me when i was lost. you took care of me when i bled. And now youre gone. an angel in the sky no longer on this earth. and i didnt get to spend any time with you on your final days on this earth but i hope you felt the love i still had for you. please help and guide brandon because he must be […]
Im writing this letter for me to get my thoughts and feelings out… the person this is meant for will never see this, will never know i wrote this, will never care i wrote this.
Dear abselom,
what can i say we’ve been through alot together. I was there for you when you wanted to end your life. I held you when you cried, i cried with you for you. I tried to make you smile when you were low. I was always by your side i tried the best i could to take your pain away. Then i broke. I was hurting and i finally told […]
yesterday i was drinking with a few of my friends and one turned to me and said he really looked up to me. that i was the most real and good person he;s ever met. that even though i do stupid shit i really care about others and am good at heart. i started bawling. i love so deeply and i do care but ive hurt so many people, caused so many problems that i just dont  see how that could be true. im very self destructive but that because no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of my state […]
i want to die.
so i cut again… my right leg shin to thigh is covered…my left arm is cut horizontally, one long gash. They burn… i wish i could call her. but i know she dosent care. i read one of her old posts saying how much she loved me. its weird to think a friendship so deep could just vanish. she says she dosent hate me but i know she gets tired of my antics so im leaving her alone. no more calls no more texts. i need to stop bothering everyone with my shit. my only really close friend left is getting tired of my shit […]
i feel sick. not real. like a figment of some fucked up persons imagination… im not real i fear.
According to her he only set out to hurt me. that was his whole purpose the entire time. even promising me once again to make me his wife. that we will be together forever. i believed him. i thought i had hope for a future. but it all fell apart. how sick can a person be to fuck with someone especially someone they know who has problems who’s a fucking mental case, someone whos crazy, suicidal who self harms. fuck this. those are the only adjectives that describe me, my life. im a fuck up. of course he wouldnt leave her for me. idk why […]
Hey i havent posted here in a while. my shit luck has been exspecially terrible lately. broke my computer, got a citation for possesion at school, lost my best friend again, lost brandon again, relapsed, and school is overwhelming as shit. i just really am done. i want to end it. ive tried so hard and shit started to get a little better, a little more bearable and it all went back down the crapper. I just feel so drained and so defeated. i cant believe i let him get to me again. i cant believe how much i fucked up and that my leg […]
i started to cut again. people at my school are starting to notice. im going crazy i feel and idk who to turn to who i can trust. a year ago i was still with brandon. i cant believe he messaged me out of the blue then he dropped off the face of the earth again. his birthday is the 21st maybe ill attempt again. maybe i wont. but suicide and him have been on my mind alot this past week and its only progressively getting worse. i need a break from life, from people, from school from everything. maybe the break will be permanent […]
Being turned down is a very weird and new feeling for me and I don’t like it.
my arms are starting to burn again. last night i was trying so hard not to break down and cut. instead i layed in my friends from yard on a weeping willow and closed my eyes. i guess thats strange. oh well. i was playing with my lighter last night and burned my hand. my friend noticed and said it smelled like burning flesh… oops.
I give up. clearly ive been forcing myself upon you so i am officially and completely done. im not trying anymore. ive tried so hard with little to no result. ive decided to sit back and relax and let whatever happen happen. im not going to push anyone to do anything, i leave in 2 weeks and i shouldnt be stressing out about shit. i need to look straight ahead toward the future. and if anyone wants to be a part of my future then they will have to try. and if they dont want to there’s nothing i can do about it. NO STRESSING […]
Today i looked in the mirror at myself. A small built girl with big brown sad eyes and long curly hair stared back. She was covered in horizontal scars that ran up both arms and her right leg. Her left arm is covered in healing scabs. White lines from recently healed cuts run across her hips and thighs. Why does she look so sad? Why is she hurting so much? If you stare into her eyes you can see the deep sorrow that fills her very being. Why does she let her demons win? Why does she continue to hurt herself? I dont even recognize […]
well my brother has officially snapped. whenever he dosent get his way he acts like a huge baby and throws a tantrum and of course its all my fault. he said he wished i died and i actually killed myself. awesome. its always my fault. now of course he blames me and he has a whole big pity party. i really dont want to be here. he even blamed me for him hitting me earlier. im weirdly calm even though he is yelling at my mom about me. he is like a 2 year old but it does scare me because he’s bigger and stronger […]
im a fighter. but sometimes the fight is impossible to win. there would be alot less pain if i just gave up but i find myself fighting until the end. i will fight for love, fight for my life, fight to win, fight to save a life, fight to start a new. but i get tired of fighting sometimes. i feel like i just want to give up and hide under my covers. i want to go into the cabinet and take all the pills and slip away. i want to snort a fat long line of heroine and cut my arms and legs, i […]
i dont know what to think. i really dont know what to say. i just am completely shocked. i thought i was going crazy. i dont know why im sobbing right now. i just thought maybe one of us got out of it ok. maybe im the reason for it. i dont know how fine you were when we werent together but now that we have been better you feel the need to come back on here. i dont want to be the reason for anyones suffering. i dont want you to follow the path of drugs, alcohol, self harm, suicide, mental hospitals. i want […]
i feel like im slowly relapsing. i can feel myself slipping. i think once i leave it may get better… but theres always a chance it will get worse. i guess ill just have to wait and see.
i cant get people out of my head. im too sober. i miss my dad we havent talked in months i keep having panic attacks and crying spells. my mom is mad at me upstairs and i really am trying not to cut. i just feel really alone and abandoned.