yesterday i was drinking with a few of my friends and one turned to me and said he really looked up to me. that i was the most real and good person he;s ever met. that even though i do stupid shit i really care about others and am good at heart. i started bawling. i love so deeply and i do care but ive hurt so many people, caused so many problems that i just dont  see how that could be true. im very self destructive but that because no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of my state of mind. i do try, my mind just keep going back to certain situations. and im starting to hear voices again. ive been having more episodes where i wake up and see things, people, they talk to me. idk if i just have a wild imagination but it feels so weird and it scares the shit out of me. then the voices… calling my name. usually its just in the shower i hear sirens and voices yelling but now its at night too. today during dance class i heard someone yell my name which threw me off my turn and startled me. of course it was no one. i think its getting bad because i havent smoked in almost 2 months… blehhh i wish i could talk to someone. not just someone. theres one person that i need to talk to. one person that i feel could help me. yea she couldnt help me before but i feel like just talking to her would make a world of difference. but i cant. its selfish to bring her into any of my shit and i know she dosent care anymore. i think she’s forgotten me. idk why i cant forget. idk why i cant move on let shit go. im trying i am. if i do end up ending it there will be a letter for her. even if she dosent care that im gone, even if she dosent shed a tear i want her to know that nothing will ever change the way i care about her and she will always be my soul mate.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
hi sunflower,
your ‘soul mate’ certainly remembers you. i have a couple as well, and they stay with me, and i with them, if only in mind. there is no way that you were with this person and formed that bond that she can fall out of it without a trace of your being.
i am going through the same thing right now with my ex-wife. we were bonded like tenon to bone. then we weren’t. but that doesn’t mean that the caring that was there at the time did not exist, and t some level it will be there forever.
you need to let her go and appreciate the good times you had, then go out and seek more good times, alone or with another, it does not matter: no one will ever complete you. you need to find peace within yourself and then, and only then, are you able to find happiness with another. only then can you make your mate truly happy.
i say this knowing that i need to own up to all this myself, but as for you and me alike, i know it is true.
hang tough, find meaningful work, even if at no pay, help others, and you will find your way.
much love, g
Seems to me you may have schizophrenia and perhaps you should be speaking to a therapist about it. Not much we could say here that may help.
I can imagine how terrifying it must be to hear voices or see people that are a product of your own mind. I think it’d be good for you to be around people so that they can keep you grounded.