Today i looked in the mirror at myself. A small built girl with big brown sad eyes and long curly hair stared back. She was covered in horizontal scars that ran up both arms and her right leg. Her left arm is covered in healing scabs. White lines from recently healed cuts run across her hips and thighs. Why does she look so sad? Why is she hurting so much? If you stare into her eyes you can see the deep sorrow that fills her very being. Why does she let her demons win? Why does she continue to hurt herself? I dont even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
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Sunflower, how old are you?
It’s true.. alll of us here in SP have our own demons. It is our choice to let it control us, or to confront and defeat it. Though I believe that the demons can never entirely die; they will always come back and haunt us someday.
Let me ask you: do you love that girl in the mirror?
I use to cut. I stopped after extensive counselling when I realised I was doing it because I blamed myself for being molested and raped. I realised that I had been brainwashed by the people who hurt me, they had an agenda – for as long as they could manipulate me into thinking I was doing something to make them feel that way towards me… they could control me.
I have spent lots of time with children, over a long period of time I came to realise just how incredibly vulnerable they are. They live to please and are so easy to manipulate – especially if its family members doing it.
I got in touch with the child in me that hurts so much, and instead of talking to her (I know this sounds weird – but reality is we all have a constant script going through our minds…) in the way that the creeps spoke to the younger me, I told myself that I didn’t have a chance in hell of fighting them – it wasn’t my fault! they had a responsibility to love and protect me and they didn’t. Its their fault!!!
Sometimes it feels like my scars are hurting, I know its just a memory from when I did cut. So I take a quiet moment, pull my sleeve up and kiss my scar… the way an adult would kiss a child’s injury. I say to myself that ‘I didn’t EVER deserve to be hurt’ and I know that all the anger I feel belongs to the people that betrayed me and destroyed the person I was meant to be.
I hope this helps…
HogPotter:im 18. and no i hate how i am and how i treat people and how selfish i am. i dont want to be here annymore.
Freemee: Im so happy for you that you managed to overcome some of your personal demons. i just dont know how much longer i can fight. im sure you know just how hard it is to constantly fight to be ok
I wish I could do something for all of you here.
I’ve been abused like some of you, but never became a cutter, I guess.
If any of you want to email me, that is all right.
It’s brl.cents@gmail.com
Hey, regardless of overcoming this… I am still planning to leave very soon. YES I totally get how hard it is to be constantly fighting to be ok. It is EXHAUSTING! I’m not judging!!!
I do feel pretty pleased that even though I’ll soon be taking my life, I don’t feel angry at myself. I’ve just come to accept that I’ve done everything I possibly could to get better, and I just don’t have the resources to deal with the depression, PTSD, anxiety, dyspraxia… nor the support. I’ve accepted that this world is unjust, and I have come to the end of my fight.
I feel like I’ve been living a half life. Like I was murdered long ago by the BEEP BEEP BEEPERS who took my innocence from me.
I don’t want you to leave this world feeling angry at yourself. Chances are you really are a good person, talented, beautiful, valuable, but tortured by either physical issues or emotional issues that aren’t your fault anyway. If your going to go, do it with peace in your heart. You deserve this.
I don’t even bother looking in the mirror anymore….when I use to I was disgusted with what I saw…It makes me so angry because you can see the defeated look in my eyes…I feel defeated and look defeated…I don’t even care to fight anymore its a matter of time for me…there is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about the ending…it has become normal