I don’t know how to deal with the stuff in my head. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right, so essential. I’m so tired of dealing with that contradiction, that conflict. I’ve broken myself, and now I’m too attached to that brokenness to let go of it. I’m such a fucking waste of life. I just want to go back, and do it all differently. Or live in a different reality, where my instincts aren’t so utterly screwed up, and are morally acceptable. But really, it would just be better if someone without a completely twisted mind were here in my place, and […]
I don’t know how many time I’ve written variations on this post, then forgotten it’s meaning. My mind quickly wipes away the painful understanding contained. It hides it from me.
I am utterly, hopelessly lost. I can’t ever connect with another person, because I could never bear for someone to really know me. Because who I really am is terrible. So I am alone. I will always be alone. Even when surrounded by people who think they love me. They don’t. They love an idea of me. Perhaps who I once was, before I did all this. I am separated from everyone by the persistent knowledge […]
I can’t keep anything straight in my mind for more than a few hours. I don’t want to die. But I don’t know how to live with myself. It’s been over 10 years now, and I’ve only made it worse. It’s like this festering wound that I made in my mind, and I can’t stop picking at it. And every time I do I dig it a little deeper.
But scratching it is the only thing that really feels good anymore. Resisting it just leaves me feeling utterly empty. Resisting it means acknowledging the reality, and I don’t know how to do that. Because the reality […]
I should be better. I should do better. I want to be less awful. I want not to feel so awful.
I don’t want to change. I don’t want to face reality. Fuck reality. Fuck everyone.
Fuck me. I should end it. It’s hopeless.
I’m scared. I don’t want to let go. What if it goes wrong? What if things get worse?
I hate myself. Through your eyes, I loathe myself. Through the parts of myself that I want to see in you I detest myself.
I love myself. In my eyes I am master of the universe. I am the ubermensch.
I am a pathetic and socially maladjusted ape with […]
I am such a waste of life. My mind twists and distorts everything, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know if I want it to stop. Maybe I’m too attached to the fucked up meanings I put on everything to ever let it go. I waste so much time and emotion thinking about all the good things that I’ll never have, and regretting the things I could’ve had, rather than just appreciating the things I do have, or working towards what’s still possible. But I don’t know how to let go of that – the emotional pull is too strong. It’s like […]
It’s hard to see meaning in life when you’re a monster. I mean, you can dedicate yourself to becoming the best monster you can be, to reducing your monstrosity from this point forward. But you’re still going to be a fucking monster. You still belong in a cage. There are no cookies for trying to walk things back a little, not after you’ve crossed so many unforgivable lines. There’s no way back. There’s nothing you can do from this point on to make you morally acceptable. And sure, people may encourage you to try, if they can put their anger and disgust to one side […]
But I won’t. I’m too scared of letting go. Which is stupid, because my only function in life is to make myself miserable. To constantly remind myself what a worthless pathetic monster I am. Because fuck me.
There’s no out here. There’s no redemption story. There’s no getting better. There’s only fuck you, you worthless piece of shit. Wallow in the mess you’ve made of your life, and then die, sad & alone.
I should put myself out of my own misery. That would be the rational thing to do. I’ve fucked things up too much to ever come back from it. The only thing left to […]
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to escape reality. At first it was just brief instances, after upsetting events. But over the years it became an increasingly all-encompassing habit, to the extent that now I find myself desperate for a way out every single night.
I reach a point where I’m so tired that all my regret, sadness, longing, loneliness, and frustrated desires just overwhelm me, and I can’t distance myself from them any longer. I just find myself thinking ‘how the fuck is this my life?’ And I don’t know how to handle that, when I’m in that state. I’m too tired to […]
What the fuck am I doing? Spending all this money and time and effort on therapy, when deep down all I want is to go back to getting as much of a buzz as I can for as long as possible. Except that’s not all I want. I also want love, and intimacy, and some kind of relationship. And the two don’t really seem to be compatible.
But even if I do somehow manage to change, it’s not like it’s going to magically remove the barriers to those things. I’ll still be fucked. Just marginally less fucked. And worse, then I’ll be clear headed enough to […]
Nothing feels meaningful or significant. Nothing feels worthwhile. I’m just living because…I’m scared of letting go.
The problem is in me, I know. My maladapted brain, that sees the world as hollow and pointless. Everyone else seems quite capable of finding purpose and fulfillment in life.
But once you’re outside of that, it feels almost impossible to invest in it. Everything you try seems artificial and empty, and nothing leaves a mark in your mind.
Thing is, life without some kind of positive focus feels unbearable. Without a story to tell itself, the mind gets trapped in every negative emotion that comes along.
I’ve wasted so much of my life wanting what I can’t have, instead of focusing on what I could have. But I don’t know how to stop – these longings and desires are driven so deep into my brain, and I don’t know how to let go of them. Things that feel so right one minute, yet so terrible the next. That convince that they are the only things worth pursuing in life, yet later appear to be dangerous fantasies.
I’ve been numbing these parts of me for years, but that only works to a certain extent, and it brings other problems. Over time, it saps […]
There’s this side of me that is just pure evil – that shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the world. And try as I might, I do not have it under control. No matter what I resolve, what diversions I try to put in place, at some point, a switch will flip. And I will not care anymore. It will take over. And I will want to give in to it. That’s the uncanny thing about evil…it feels really fucking good – like the most essential, natural, wonderful thing you could imagine. And for a time, it will dominate my thinking. And every time that happens, […]
I’m tired, of being me. I want so badly not to face this reality anymore. I don’t know how to stop causing myself suffering. I just want to numb the awareness of it away. But nothing works anymore. I am the problem. My thoughts, feelings, experience of the world. But I don’t know how to change all that brokenness. I’m too attached…it’s all that I am. I’ve trapped myself in a loop of despair, and it only ends when something kills me.
Can’t commit suicide because…fear? Laziness? Self-delusion that it will somehow all work out ok? Survival instinct?
Can’t escape into addictions because…therapy? Tiredness? Need to believe that change is possible? Fear of the regret that comes when you realize that you’ve done it again?
Can’t stand living anymore because…overwhelming self-hatred? Crippling shame? Utter worthlessness? Complete psychological isolation? Undeniable guilt? Absence of hope? Hatred & resentment of humanity? Thwarted narcissism? Inability to see meaning in my life?
= the human equivalent of vomit.
Still, I’m sure it can get worse. So I should probably be appreciating this lovely pit I’ve dug for myself.
The world is feeling pretty fucking lonely right now. Nobody can help, because nobody can really understand. Hell, I barely understand it, and I’m the one experiencing it first hand.
I just want this to stop. I want to stop. To cease. To end. To let go of existence.
I mean all life is, objectively speaking. ‘Meaning’ being largely subjective. But I think I’ve irreversibly cut myself off from most of the things that I find subjectively meaningful – love, romance, friendship, etc.
It feels like I should probably end it. But letting go is hard. These irrational parts of my mind keep demanding that I find some way to make the impossible into reality.
Maybe I should force the issue, force myself to end it. Or perhaps I should try to find some way to let go of all those things that I’ve cut myself off from, and instead appreciate the few things that are still left […]
I feel so incredibly lonely. I’m tired of being completely isolated in my experience of life. I just want one person who understands. Who sees the world as I do. One person who really sees me, and accepts me. One person who cares for me as I truly am, rather than the acceptable facade I present. I need a soulmate.
But soulmates probably don’t exist. And even if they did, there wouldn’t be one for me. The truth is I deserve to be alone. I don’t deserve to be accepted. What I’ve done, what I am, is unacceptable. It’s beyond the pale, for good reason. I shouldn’t be […]
It’s 3am, and I’m lying awake again. I want to go to sleep. I want to just let go. But I can’t. My mind knows that nothing is ok. There is nothing that can comfort me. There is nothing I can do to make things ok. I have to just live with that. Or not. And that’s fine, during the day time.
But at night, I need comfort. I need to feel that there’s some way that things will be ok. I need some story to tell all my worries and anxieties, to quiet them down for a few hours. But nothing works. I can’t convince […]
I need something more. I need a reason to live, rather than just reasons not to kill myself. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in this self-imposed limbo. I don’t think that’ll work for another 10. Even if it’s possible, I don’t want it.
Fear and doubt aren’t enough. My survival instinct isn’t enough. Aversion to causing pain to my family isn’t enough. If I’m ever going to move on, I need something more. Otherwise I’m just going to keep getting dragged back here.
I need to figure out some way to live with all the regret, self-hatred, longing, shame, anger, resentment, despair, anxiety, […]
My mind is trying to be too many contradictory things. So many conflicting urges and impulses, perceptions and reactions. There’s no compromise between them. I’m an awful, worthless person who deserves to die in a fire. Or I’m fundamentally kind and good natured. I should be behind bars, or dead in a ditch, or burning in hell. Or I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
I should satisfy my compulsions and habits. Or I should resist and abstain. I should seek help through therapy. Or I’m beyond help, and should simply wipe myself out. I should hurt myself. Or protect myself from suffering.
Killing myself would rid the […]