It’s really late again. I have an exam tomorrow, and I’ve been studying in bits and pieces, but mostly wasting time smoking with a variety of people. The result is I haven’t studied much. I’m pretty sure I’m going to do average at best tomorrow. It doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore. I’ve stopped being able to care for grades. I’m considering going home. I found a train with tickets available. I realized it’s the city I miss really. Not home. I’m not sure I should go, and sacrifice attendance just to swelter in the heat. It’s the rain I miss. Summer is […]
I miss home. This is the third monsoon I will not see. I feel like utter trash. I miss it. But I can’t go back. I have till June. Then I can choose to for two whole months. But I won’t. I sleep in the guest room when I go home these days. The family computer is in there and my parents work in it in the day. The pull out bed has wheels and a crack that you fall into in the middle. Any personal effects I want I have to shuttle back and forth. An overnight train and so much public transport in […]
I’m tired. I’ve spent the last four months shuffling back and forth between cities. I have a new relationship that takes up a lot of my time. I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t read for pleasure in months. Forget going to the gym, I haven’t run for any reason at all in weeks. I’m finally home and my exams are over. I suddenly have very little to do, and though I was looking forward to it, I don’t want to do anything. I miss both my cities. I don’t care much what I eat. I have more decisions to make about where to work and stay […]
Someone molested me and it’s affecting me more than it ever has before. So I have an issue with speaking, I can’t get words out when I’m nervous. It comes with social anxiety. And that’s why it happened. I couldn’t speak to tell him to stop, and I couldn’t come off as confident enough to discourage him from doing it to me. It makes me feel like such a loser. I don’t want to tell anyone the details because I’m ashamed of not being able to fucking speak. It won’t stop coming to my mind. I can’t have sex without the same feelings coming up. […]
I feel like there will never be another day as bright as I want, one that I want to wake up to. I’m overthinking everything in my life as I have always done, and it’s getting a bit tiring. I’m not feeling enough, I figured out. I’ve never been good at recognising emotions, now I’m really good at avoiding them. I have a lot of distractions. They don’t help me when everything’s over and I have to sleep.
Anyway, what I figured out is, I have no hobbies outside of drugs and alcohol. There’s nothing else that motivates me or can seem to possibly ever in […]
It’s been a strange year. I’ve found out a lot about myself. I’m uncomfortable right now. I’m ill. I’m low. I’m more tired than ever of dismissing my feelings because it’s the illness talking, not me. But who is me? I have no fucking idea. All I am is this scared, weak shell of a person that likes to believe she’s strong. I’m usually convinced too. I have no idea who I am and therefore no idea what I’m doing. I had an anxiety attack while driving today, and I still have no idea why. I cried because I felt alone, and now I’m empty […]
I’m back in a place where I was very unhappy, and my mind is attacking me with a vengeance. It’s been quiet for so long that I can’t stand it this time. I want to stop being this ill. Fuck.
I’ll try and be honest with the people in my life. I’ll try and be honest with myself, and think more complete, coherent thoughts. My mind isn’t working as I’d like it to. I’ve been sober a while but it’s not clear in the least. I want a solution to my illness. I wish I could go back and take the change slow, and watch my […]
I’m tired and it’ll only get worse from here. I need a few days off, to myself. A few days of sobriety, and of not having to say a word to anyone else.
I feel bad. But I have a mental list of problems now. The first is not wanting anything. The second is difficulty with sleep. The third is difficulty socializing. The fourth is substance abuse. The last is relationship troubles. I’m suffering today. I don’t know why. I don’t know when I’ll feel truly okay. I haven’t for a while. I live like a child. I accept everything that happens to me. I don’t know, I wish I could be better. I wish things could really always be easy. They usually are for me, because I take them in my stride. There’s pain too, though. I’m […]