I’m having a hard time lately. Dropped a bomb on my best friend of 7 years that I had feelings for her. We talked extensively every night afterwards for a couple months. Broke up with her boyfriend, gave me JUST ENOUGH to stay optimistic and now she’s with my friend because she feels that he is the one. I only want what’s best for her and so I brought up my friend (E) to my best friend (D) and they went on their first date yesterday. I don’t know what I was thinking but I did it to myself. I bought a genesis coupe before I dropped the bomb to show her that I can provide things that would make us both happy but also for myself, I have wanted one since 2016 REALLY BAD. Now I feel lonesome every time I’m in this car and it makes me want to off myself where I can never be found and I just don’t know what to do. The car still brings me joy to be in, I feel like I’m driving it for the first time, every time. But there is a strong underlying loneliness every time I’m in it and I can’t shake it. Ive felt that way for 5 days. I’ve been through much worse, but I’ve never felt this alone before. I don’t want to breathe, I don’t even want to feel joy, I just want to suffer in silence, but I figured since this is anonymous I can see what happens now that I’ve shared this. If I feel better, I’ll add an edit below.
so the post below is from a few years ago, and I’ve decided to respond with it based on how I feel now.
original post:
June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.
Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June, I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.
My response 3 years later to myself
Dear me;
you’re going to suffer memory loss likely for the rest of your life. You will have to claim bankruptcy and after everything is finalized and you’re free again you will decide to follow a debt free lifestyle.
You have found joy in working a job you enjoy with great people, even though you hate the brand you represent. You are going to find a new joy for cycling. it will start with weight loss, and move into something not only healthy for the body, but a sport that can be very social, and you’re going to learn the ways to love yourself. Your will to live will gradually increase and soon ending it all will be a topic only to describe emotions of the past. All the medications DONT have to work, you will be surrounded by people that will push you like never before and that will create an ability to overcome hardship and handle stress.
The “new hate” is a temporary feeling. I wish I could have realized how much I was going to accomplish in the near future. I still remember the raw feelings of being dead inside, and its horrible but it will go away. Out of all the bolded words above, only one was true at the time. I was easily replaced, especially in the workplace. but with consistency and genuine effort, people are making me feel valued and appreciated.
I hope I do this again in a few years.
So this is just a copy and paste from a song that i found. This portion is extremely relevant to me, and maybe you can find this relatable to what youre going through.
This is “her last words” by courtney parker.
_________________________________________
She sees the note and unfolds it with care
All she does is stare, “How can this be fair?”
She starts reading as the tears roll down her face
“I’m sorry Mom but this world is just not my place
I’ve tried for so long to fix this and fit in
I’ve come to realize this world’s full of sin
There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space
I’ve got no reason to stay here with this awful race
It’s a disgrace, I was misplaced
Born in the wrong time and in the wrong place
It’s OK though, ’cause you’ll see me soon
You’ll know when your time has come, just look at the moon
As it shines bright throughout the night
And remember everyone’s facing their own fight
But I can’t deal with the pain, I’m not a fighter
You’ll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter
So let the world know, that I died in vain
Because the world around me, is the one to blame
And I know in a year, you’ll forget I’m gone
‘Cause I’m not really something to be dwelled on
That’s what they used to tell me, all those kids at school
So I’m going by the law majority rules
My presence on this earth is not needed any longer
And if anything, I hope this makes you stronger
You’re the best friend that I ever had
Such a shame I had to make you so very sad
But just remember that you meant everything to me
And to my heart, you’re the only one that held the key
Now it’s time to go, I’m running out of space to write
And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight
I’m watching over you from the clouds above
And sending down the purest and whitest dove
To watch over you, and be my helpful eye
So this is it, world, goodbye.”
June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.
Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June, I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.