so the post below is from a few years ago, and I’ve decided to respond with it based on how I feel now.
original post:
June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.
Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June, I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.
My response 3 years later to myself
Dear me;
you’re going to suffer memory loss likely for the rest of your life. You will have to claim bankruptcy and after everything is finalized and you’re free again you will decide to follow a debt free lifestyle.
You have found joy in working a job you enjoy with great people, even though you hate the brand you represent. You are going to find a new joy for cycling. it will start with weight loss, and move into something not only healthy for the body, but a sport that can be very social, and you’re going to learn the ways to love yourself. Your will to live will gradually increase and soon ending it all will be a topic only to describe emotions of the past. All the medications DONT have to work, you will be surrounded by people that will push you like never before and that will create an ability to overcome hardship and handle stress.
The “new hate” is a temporary feeling. I wish I could have realized how much I was going to accomplish in the near future. I still remember the raw feelings of being dead inside, and its horrible but it will go away. Out of all the bolded words above, only one was true at the time. I was easily replaced, especially in the workplace. but with consistency and genuine effort, people are making me feel valued and appreciated.
I hope I do this again in a few years.