Fear is my problem. I’ve always thought that I have the mind to be dominant in any venture I choose, if not for my withdrawn nature. ‘Shy’ has been my label for as long as I can remember, but now it’s apparent to me that fear is what holds me back. I’m completely crippled by fear, unable to make life progress that involves going outside my comfort zone. I should note that the psychological blocks in my mind are really the only thing the matter with me; I live a pretty charmed life. Everything I want is within my grasp, I just need to find […]
I downloaded Metallica’s Ride the Lightning album last night after falling in love with an 8-bit rendition that was posted to Youtube. While washing the dishes this morning before work, I put the album on and was immediately taken in by the energy that the wall to wall sound of early Metallica radiates. Great album top to bottom, but the standout track is Fade to Black. It’s not enough to read the lyrics; you have to go listen to the song and hear Hetfield crooning to really feel the weight of the words. He had this to say about recording the track:
“I wrote […]
sad enough to want death but not crazy enough to actually do it. Anybody else simply sitting in their boat and waiting for a tsunami to end it all? I’m feeling extra sad today, not sure why. I’m trying really, really hard to upgrade my job skills but whenever I sit down to study, I end up doing something else until I quit and trick myself into believing that I’ll get started tomorrow instead (been saying that since February).
I’m here, ready to study this IT junk, but once I get started, I lose all energy and desire to better myself. I pull the rug out […]
I’m a 28 year old Canadian male and drawing a blank on what to do with the rest of my life. I have a high school diploma, full-time job with 8 years of experience(sorting mail and making photocopies), perfect sized apartment in an upscale neighborhood and got a bargain on rent price, no women/children/pets/infirmed family to worry about except for my 14 year old brother who I tutor 3 times a week. My friends all live within 20 minutes and I see them 3-4 times a month.
I can’t think of anything else that I want, so why bother going on? I could get a girlfriend, […]
I’m not sick. I don’t have relationship/family issues. I’m not living in poverty. I’m not anyone’s subject of ridicule. I don’t have any important responsibilities (pets, children). Things are going well for me. I moved into a fantastic apartment last week after staying with my mum for 5 months (before that I was living with my girlfriend, but it didn’t work out). My job is mind numbing but pays really well, and the atmosphere is very relaxed. I should be studying right now (because I want a better job) but whenever I sit down to, I don’t.
I have lots of ideas for things I want […]
I’m not suicidal, just incredibly bored with life. I think that I’ve played too many video games, watched too many movies, cartoons throughout my life that I expect grand things out of reality. But as we all know, things are pretty mundane on planet Earth(save for wars and terrorist attacks; those are always good for a laugh).
Things are pretty sucky in my life right now. I’m living with an ex-girlfriend that my ego is still very much attached too. She’s an annoying **** but I enjoyed the sex, and like I said, she really knew how to stroke my ego and make me feel […]
I’ve stopped believing that it’s possible for me to couple up with another human being. I’ve started believing that I’m somewhere deep on the autism spectrum, unable to assimilate into society without great pains. Like an apathetic gardener, I’ve stopped tending to my human relationships, both family and friends. I no longer see a point in continuing to put effort into making others happy; nobody makes me happy. I can’t imagine spending any amount of time listening to some woman complain and gossip just so I can get at her loins. I hate the boarish, single minded nature of most men. I truly hate this […]
The only person keeping me here is my brother. The thought of leaving him behind to suffer under the same tyranny as I did is too much to bear. I stay for him, to shield him from my abusive mother and sister and the religious zealots in my family. My suicide would most certainly screw him up and I often wish that he were never born so I’d have no qualms about leaving. I could never harm him as I’m not crazy but I can see why other people might feel differently. I’ve imagined the sweet relief I’d feel at news that my brother had […]
Yesterday, someone at work mentioned to me that I looked sad and that I could come into their office anytime and vent if I wanted to. She bought me a kit-kat bar to boot to try and cheer me up. I thought I was doing fine hiding my misery but apparently not.
This happens every so often, where I’ll just be so physically tired that I don’t have the strength to “PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP! PUT ON A HAPPY FACE!” I do appreciate the gesture(to some degree) and I wish that I could confide in someone but it’s […]
in that special way that lets you know that you have a place in their heart. She smiled at me and it broke my heart. The path of human coupling is a long and winding road, and I’m not up to the journey. As much as I want to take the trip with someone, I’m afraid of being hurt, of being reminded that I don’t belong with people, that I’m only here to serve.
In my brain, it feels like I could succeed at.. building some sort of relationship built on trust and support but… There’s no evidence to support that. I’ve never been able […]
i loved inception but what a reckless thing to do, releasing it to the public without some sort of disclaimer for those with depressing thoughts. when im at my lowest, i half believe that theres a mystical force moving everything around me so as to push me toward suicide, that i’ll wake up from this nightmare if i just end it all. inception has made all those thoughts a bit more defined. fuck.. good thing i’m mostly a nihilist and dont believe in anything or else i might have killed myself before the end credits finished rolling.
” you gotta curb the self loathing that you’re getting from smoking weed. people from all walks of life have been smoking weed since we mastered the use of fire. how do you think our brains evolved so much further than the rest of the beasts on this rock? hippy cavemen that experimented with psychedelics of course lol in all seriousness though, why do you see smoking marijuana in such a negative light? i know that society has deemed it wrong but where’s the logic in caring about societys opinion when you yourself are so fucking depressed and suicidal? i pity the people on […]
is it any wonder that so many opt out of grinding for gold and leveling up for the sake of leveling up?
I’m so bored of it, and it’s my own fault. Life can be great if you’re open to it, but I’m not. I’m so afraid of people, coming into contact with them. I get debilitating diarrhea when I’ve gotten too anxious thanks to my IBS. I want to smile and laugh and be merry, but 1) I’m afraid and 2) I think people in general are dull. I’m 26 so I can’t have met that many people, but I’m already burnt out from the […]
all I’m sure of is non-existence is the best.
It’s so hard to keep going 🙁 I suddenly feel like crying. I wish my brother would die. Then I could go do whatever the fuck I want guilt free. Instead, I work a job I hate everyday, sharing oxygen with people that disgust me, just so he can survive. Our mother is fucking useless; I wish the both of them would die. She’s a fucking whore, a stupid fucking whore that keeps having kids cause she’s too dumb to keep her legs closed. fuck, I hate all of them. Not just my mother, but her mother, […]
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt
The Rock pushes me to keep driving my body forward; Roosevelt settles my mind when it all starts feeling too fruitless/nihilistic.
In my mind, I’ve separated death and dying. Death is the one thing I look forward to, when I can just finally stop, cease to exist, back to 0; the weight of this flesh body finally lifted as my consciousness disperses into the cosmos. I don’t think that people are anything more than walking flashlights and I really can’t wait for my batteries to run out. No more guilt, no more expectations, no more desires; just nothing. […]
i feel ugly inside, like i have nothing positive to offer the people of earth. all the wrong things bring me joy and the right things make me feel uncomfortable. i laughed at a disabled woman on saturday and it was the hardest and most enjoyable laugh that ive had in months. i look forward to other peoples misery and usually slink away from smiling faces and the stories behind them.
what am i? i dont believe in anything(angels, demons etc) so im just a disturbed human. ive been hurt to the point that other peoples hurt is all that i crave; hurt people hurt […]
For you younger gen suicide kids(and older crowd with refined tastes) that may have missed out on billy talent’s debut album(2003), here’s one of many tracks from that LP that is like chicken soup for the dead soul 🙂
http://youtu.be/C4fkwksdbPY
all this effort, for what? I can’t even seem to enjoy myself in my own little life, let alone discover any meaning out of life itself. I hate all this doing and feeling, interfacing with reality in this way.
I think about how unlikely it is that I am flesh and blood, but then I remember that I’m not truly real anyway. I’m as real and tangible as the light produced from a flashlight. My brain watches the outside world and builds my personality, constantly adding, subtracting; all of us. So me, tyrone, is not real; just a function of this brain.
It is unlikely though, these […]
I’ve never let anyone in close enough to see the ugliness inside. Last summer, my dad came the closest after some emotional emails I’d sent him. He drove the 6 hours to my city and spent the week taking me out to dinner and talking, trying to figure out what was wrong. But I burned him like I’ve done everyone else.
I burned my grandmother when I told her to stop talking to me. I burned my co-workers when I took up the vow of silence at the office. I burned my father by never replying to any of his follow up emails after we had […]
I tried a new approach to deal with my depression; acknowledging it as a sickness of the mind and body but not anything to do with me personally. I take full responsibility for my past and every action I’ve taken up to this point in life, but the issues slowing me down aren’t my own.
All throughout my life, I’ve been shown the way I should be by the people around me. What I should be doing, the type of things I should study, the work I should go out for, partying and living it up etc etc; so I’ve been conditioned to hate myself […]