I’m really not. I wanted to go to school and see Trevor, but I could hardly get up. My lower right abdomen was hurting so, so badly that I couldn’t move. I finally fought through the pain, got up, and talked to my mom about it. She thinks that I may have Appendicitis. If I do, I’m not really worried. She made it sound all bad, but it’s not really. Sure, it could kill me, but there’s a small chance of that happening. I even went on WebMD to see if I might have it. (I’m probably going to the doctor when his office opens) […]
I swear, Trevor is either bipolar, a liar, or just weird. He goes and says that I’m ugly one day, but then he acts like he likes me the next. Today, he was talking about me to my friend Bailey. This is what they said : Trevor: Hey, do you know that girl named Courtney? Bailey: Yeah. Trevor: She smells better than she usually does..  So, yeah. Weird. I don’t know whether to take offense to it or not because it’s so weird. Seriously. I mean, he may be saying that I used to stink. Then again, he might be trying to compliment me, […]
I understand that it seems like I just want to kill myself or whatever when a guy is  mean to me, but that’s just part of it. I’m already right at the edge. I’ve gone through seeing people die since I was 4. I didn’t understand it then, but I did at 8, when my grandpa died. He died right in front of me. Of course, that messed me up. Then I only had one grandparent, because my other grandpa had pretty much disowned my family after the death of my grandma on my mom’s side (the death when I was 4). So all I […]
Sooo, I have a new crush. His name is Austin. God, he is so cute. He has blonde hair, a six pack, braces (I like braces, for some reason), and I think he has blue eyes. I went to my friend’s house yesterday, and it was her brother’s birthday. He had some friends over, and Austin was one of them. We played football, did random stupid stuff, and I had a lot of fun with him. I swear he was flirting. He insulted my favorite video game, started to tease me slightly, and then ran away. I chased him around, too. I can run a […]
I know that Trevor isn’t worth it. But he is.. I know something about him. Something that hardly anyone else knows. He has problems at home.. And it makes me so furious at his parents for treating him like they do. See, the thing is, I don’t think he said all that shit that Emily said he did. He’s been staring at me all day, then turning away, blushing. I put my hands on my hips once when he looked at me, though… I don’t care if he’s mad at me, though. He can deal with it. And if he did say all that stuff, […]
Honestly. I need it. I want to cut again. I’ve actually brought my knife out today. It felt better to touch it against my skin, but I didn’t cut. I put the blade back. But I pressed hard enough that I have a red mark on my wrist. I want to die. Honestly. I found out that Trevor and Jacob both actually said that. I loved him. I swear, I’m being completely honest, I loved him. It’s stupid. I never went out with him, and he apparently never liked me. He called me ugly. And now, I believe him. All I can see when I […]
They really can’t. They can’t stand for me to be happy. You know what happened yesterday, and I really began to think that Trevor likes me. So I gave him that gift bag today. But then I get home, and my mom gives me my phone. There is a message pulled up on it, and it’s from one of my friends. It says: Trevor said that you are fuckin ugly as hell you mother fucker so leave me the fuck alone you ugly ass *****. She also said that his friend, Jacob said it. Well, see, here’s the thing. I found out recently that she […]
So, I found out that one of my friends that I had made a gift bag for didn’t like me, so I decided to mark out her name and put Trevor’s. Well, I didn’t get to give it to him. I went to get my trumpet, and he was in there with two of his friends, Jack and Jacob. They were pointing at my friends, calling them names. I said “If anybody points at me, it ain’t gonna be pretty!’ And of course, all three of them pointed at me. Trevor was closest to me, so I stepped up to him (OH MY GOD HE […]
I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I had a dream about Trevor. It was wonderful. It seemed real. I could smell his cologne, hear his voice. Anyway, it was beautiful. I’m leaving my trumpet in the band room again so I can see him again. Maybe I can eventually get his number… 😀 God, I hope so. I used to be too scared to talk to him, but not anymore. I love talking to him. He’s awesome. Seriously. Anyways, I just hope that I can at least become good friends with him. That would be great. Then maybe I can start to build […]
Title says it all. And yes, it’s Trevor that I’m talking about. I left my trumpet in the band room so that I could go and get it after lunch, and I could see him again. I argued with one of his friends about what day it was (He said it was Monday, I said it was Friday, jokingly). And then Trevor picks this guy named Tanner up. He’s second chair trumpet, always saying he can beat me, so when Trevor picked him up, I said “Drop him! Drop him on his head! Pleeaassee?” And Trevor smiled at me, winked, and dropped him. I laughed […]
So, here are the lyrics to my song, as promised. I call it “Something from the Nothing”
8 years old, she’s beautiful
Loving life and all its flaws
But she doesn’t understand the pain to come
And now it has begun
*Chorus*
Little girl, close your eyes
Don’t give into the lies
You are so beautiful
Can’t you see?
See everything you can be,
And everything you’ve become
You can still turn it all around
I know you’ll make it somehow;
Just hold onto something from the nothing in your heart
12 years old, nothing to live for
She’s given up on life
Wants to leave this world
Yeah. It’s raining. Storming, actually, but whatever. Same thing. I broke up with Owen. I wanted to give him a chance, but he really was too old for me. Anyway, so I’m a “single pringle” as Dawson says it. Lol. Well, I just found out that Tennyson has a girlfriend. And he’s friends with Brycen again. So, even though I’m not exactly happy, I’m glad that he’s happy. Tomorrow, after school, I have to go to the band room. Kids that want to be in band are trying out instruments, and I told Mr. Kempf  (my band director) that I would help. My little sister […]
So, I just found out that, um, Owen is 16. And he’s going to be 17 in a few days. Fuck. I mean, yeah, he’s sweet, cute, and stuff, but.. I just don’t like him. I tried to, but I can’t make myself feel something that I don’t. Maybe I should just tell him that my parents found out and said that he was too old for me…
So, I have to take the ACT this morning. Yes, I’m 13, but I was accepted to take it by Duke University (The TIP Program). I’m a little nervous,  but I think I’ll be just fine. Anyway, I had a dream last night. A dream about Owen. I dreamed that we got married. I hated it. I didn’t love him. I loved Trevor. I know it seems like Trevor is kind of a “bad boy”, but he treats me just as well as Owen does. I don’t know what to do. Of course, I’ve decided to give Owen a chance, but.. I don’t know. Something […]
I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I mean, Owen is a great guy. He’s wonderful. But my thoughts still drift back to Trevor. And I feel like I’m not giving Owen the kind of love he deserves. I can’t just lie to him. But I don’t think I can break his heart, either. See, I wouldn’t have this problem with Trevor. At least, I don’t think I would.  I really like Trevor, and God, I feel horrible for saying it, but I can’t help how I feel. Help?
Isn’t it amazing how one person can make your day so much better? Owen did that for me. I think I’ve mentioned him before. Well, he was recently diagnosed with leukemia, which killed me. I realized that I really do like him. And I asked him out. And he said yes. So now I have a boyfriend that I would almost say that I love him already, because we’ve been friends for a while, and we know each other really well. Of course, I still like Trevor, but we both are in a relationship now, so… Yeah. He’s too late. Lol. 😀
My friend Tennyson.. Actually, I like him. And he knows that. But he doesn’t like me. I know he doesn’t. He said so. Anyway, on the bus earlier, he pulled out a pocket knife and cut himself. I could literally feel my heart ripping itself apart because there was absolutely nothing I could do. I told him to get on facebook, but I doubt that he will. The worst part is that I heard his friend say, “Well, why do you want to kill yourself?!”. I don’t want him to die. God, he’s been going to therapy.. I don’t know what to do. I love […]
Call me obsessed. Call me a whore, a slut. But whatever. You don’t know how I feel. I was called so many names when everyone knew that I liked Trevor. And then they got all mad when I started liking other people. Some people actually said “God, you like everyone in band, don’t you?”. I hated it. That’s part of why I put walls up. I was sick of other people trying to lord over my relationships. It’s none of their business, anyway! And everybody got all mad at All-Region tryouts because I was talking to him. And laughing. And, uhm, he held my hand. (Actually, […]
So, Emily isn’t my friend anymore. I just ignored her all day, wouldn’t talk to her at all, and in 4th period, she gave me a note saying that she wouldn’t bother me anymore. As happy as this makes me, most of my thoughts are drifting toward something. See, I wore some makeup and jewelry and stuff today (I don’t usually do that). The weird thing is that Trevor stared at me every time I saw him. The reason that it makes me think is because he used to do that all the time. Everyday. It was so wonderful. Regardless of what I was wearing. […]
I know. I know I’m only 13. I know I can’t be in love. I know I’ve never even gone out with the guy. But I think that, honestly, I love Trevor. But he doesn’t love me. This is why I don’t let my feelings take over. They always make me go back to liking him. He likes Kendall. Well, I mean, he should, considering they go out, but I wish he liked me. I know that everyone would just call me a slut for liking him, but you know what? I know what I am and what I’m not, so I don’t care. I […]