I Guess You Might Not Understand..

I understand that it seems like I just want to kill myself or whatever when a guy is  mean to me, but that’s just part of it. I’m already right at the edge. I’ve gone through seeing people die since I was 4. I didn’t understand it then, but I did at 8, when my grandpa died. He died right in front of me. Of course, that messed me up. Then I only had one grandparent, because my other grandpa had pretty much disowned my family after the death of my grandma on my mom’s side (the death when I was 4). So all I had left was my Nana. (Yeah, that’s what I call her. Deal with it) Anyways, it hurt me to see her hurt. She was just as depressed as I was. It killed me. She went into a state of complete depression. She wouldn’t go anywhere. She wouldn’t take a shower. She barely ate. So my parents finally decided to move her in with us. For about a year and a half, I had my best friend living with me. Then, she finally started to get better. And she found a place to live. But then her landlord started being a jerk, so she moved. She moved about an hour away, so I rarely got to see her. The last time I did, she was different. I just wanted to go home and cry. I didn’t know what was wrong. Then, a few weeks later, the police come knocking at my door, at ten o’clock at night. She had called the police saying that my mom had told her that she had a gun and was going to kill me and the rest of my family. This was in August. I was barely into the school year. On top of that, my dog that I had for most of my life, my other best friend, my other half, died. Her name was Lacey. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my life. But she had kidney failure and died. I hated seeing her suffer like that. That’s part of what’s kept me from killing myself. I know that my parents have already been through a lot, and they couldn’t handle that. So, I try to hold on. Anyway, so every time I liked a guy, he rejected me. And I usually liked them a lot if I ever admitted it.  So then, that little bit more hurt just drove me over the edge. I know I seem like a drama queen, but it doesn’t even hurt me all that bad. But just that much is enough to drive me over again.  Does that make sense? I know I like a lot of guys, and my last title was kinda mean, but… Here, let me go ahead and tell you. The main guy that I will talk about is Trevor. He’s the guy that I like the most. I like another guy, but I don’t think he likes me. Although, I don’t think Trevor does, either. Anyway, I just wanted to kinda clear that up.  I’m not really all that dramatic, I just.. I don’t want to write any of this down because my mom or my sister might read it. I just want to share this with people who might understand. Most of the time, I post on here either to get help with my problems, or to let you guys know that I’m doing okay, or at least a little better than I have been.  But right now, I’m really upset. I don’t really know why, but I am.