Virus.Found

I have been alive for 9,230 consecutive days. At least what one can call the term, considering I’m breathing, having a heartbeat and I’m capable of forming my own thoughts. An inner life;an outer life;never felt alive-kind of deal. 5,215 days ago, I had made utter peace with mortality. In fact, I couldn’t wait to face it with all that I’ve had.

3,435 days ago, I had found understanding for that kind of thinking and I could move within a hidden space the way, I was supposed to for all my life. Unfortunately for me, everyone grew up. Except… Me. Things, a therapist can’t hear: “I […]

Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.

I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more […]

It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.

I feel kinda off after the talk I’ve had with a psychiatric outpatient clinic. I feel like, she didn’t really understand my limitations on how I struggle with life and what treatment I’d be willing to do. She kept shoving her clinic onto me. I’ve looked at it years back and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.

To her, a stationary psycho clinic is like vegetating away and not grasping the problem. What the hell, I bet lots of people wouldn’t even consider getting help like that. I don’t wanna be a Debby-Downer but I have the feeling, no one really understands, how […]

I’ve remembered a childhood friend of mine, who’s rather popular on social media.

I didn’t have any contact to any school friends, ever since I deleted my Facebook in 2014. I’m basically a ghost, nobody knows what my life became. I’m so glad about that too, ’cause let me tell you, being bullied even by your so-called friends, does something to your perception on how the world views you.

Adults don’t do that to me anymore. I’m happy, I met people who can look behind someone’s appearance, their disability and sexuality.

But back to my friend. I have watched a video of her, where she explains what she […]

My friend can fall asleep in midst a second, even during our conversations and already at like 9 pm, while I lay awake in bed for hours until the birds start to sing at 4 am. I’m such a night crawler and society screws me because of it. I’d like to see the successful morning people stay up til 7 am like I do *sigh* sadly there’s nothing for me out there.

I’d like a chance to see, whether I’d be happier when living and working at night. Maybe my depression really depends on this. I’m tired all the time, I stress myself because I need […]