General

Depression leads to Procrastination which leads to a myriad of things that fuck us over. And yet, we still procrastinate.

why is it so hard to care about people. people and things in general. i dont really know. it feels like the only way i ever care about anything is through consequences. i dont think its an ADHD thing. I didn’t want a >4.0 gpa before the end of this year, i just didn’t want to see something lower and have that failure hanging over me. I did it, >4.0 gpa. I’m not really proud of myself, I’m not disappointed with myself (at least not about this), its just nothing. I wanted it for a good reason; in my first semester of university i failed […]

(not anyone on SP)

All you assholes and shitcunts that have screwed me over- I wish you 1000x the pain and misery you brought onto me. Yes, I DO wish the worst pain imaginable onto you. You’re vile shitty fucking pieces of shit. I fucking hate you evil fucking assholes. You deserve to get stabbed and tortured by someone way more evil than you. THAT would be the ONLY justice. For someone to physically and psychologically torture you the same way you did to me, but 1000x worse.

I never did anything to any of you, and yet you have done […]

Yes, I get that there is no “meaning” in life except for what we assign to it. However, there is the question of the biological meaning, or meaning in the Earthen world. By that I mean, it seems all species on Earth breed, evolve, breed some more, and then eventually gets demolished by a stronger life form and cease to exist. The rate of extinction for mammals is about 1M years.

I get survival of the fittest- the best and strongest survive. The best and strongest kill the weaker species and even the weaker ones of their own species. Which explains […]

I have been mourning my breakup for 4 months and I think I am finally over it.

Last night I ran into my ex’s sister, last time I saw her it was Christmas Eve and she hated me. I thought she still did but yesterday she told me that she’s sorry for how things ended and how my Ex became right after. She even told me that she doesn’t like his new girlfriend which was a bit funny. When I think about the relationship and how it ended I don’t feel heartsick anymore, I recognize the good and the bad and that’s it.

Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep because the nights are the moments of pure silence that allow my mind to drift away and give space to my thoughts. I often spend my nights wondering how my life would have turned out if I made different decisions or if I was a different person.
Sometimes I dream of being loved and I love that feeling even though it’s just in my mind, but more often than not I dream about how my life could end at any second, I just stare at the ceiling thinking about how it wouldn’t change a thing in the […]

I never thought I’d post on here until I did. That’s the problem with me. I’m antisocial, but low-functioning. I test people to see if they will care when I act antisocial, and am surprised when they don’t care back. I don’t understand cause and effect. I say I want to end it when things don’t work. Would they ever have with my approach?

I am the most laughable member on this site.

I understand myself and my issue was perfectionism without the actual effort. I can’t do anything differently anymore. I am stuck and I make others know it. What will I do? Lately it’s been […]

I called. I knew by the tone of voice that answered that the news was not good.  ” Hey man, he let me down, his missus got rushed to hospital, he had to mind the child, he’ll drop it off 2moro, definitely 2moro”. I don’t know what annoyed me more, the fact the weed was not there or the concomitant excuse.  ” Right, I’ll give you a shout tomorrow” I said.  This is what you will bump into repeatedly if you do not have the option of physically walking into a marijuana dispensary. Street marijuana can be obtained within minutes and has been interfered with. […]

I had two teeth pulled and two caps put in. The caps aren’t much of an issue, but the extractions….. left holes. Those holes will heal, BUT, until they do, I’m off nicotine. The only way I have thought of that I could have nicotine is if I used the patch, but I used the patch when I was stuck in a no smoking hospital, it’s part of what’s kept me from checking myself in for the last five years. The patch doesn’t provide pleasure, it makes the lacking worse.

On the shy side, 48 hours to go…. that’s the minimum before I can enjoy nicotine…. […]

Rockabye

Is anyone else tired of the suggestions people make to alleviate depression? Taking a walk, ordering my favorite food and listening to music seem to be the most common ones. But I’ve heard everything from go roller skating to go square dancing. I realize people mean well but it’s almost insulting. Such superficial actions do absolutely nothing for clinical depression and it’s evidence of the total lack of understanding of the condition. I’m so tired of taking psychotropic medication. It does help me sleep but that’s about it. And as I’ve mentioned here before, my insurance pays zero for me to see a professional clinical […]

I can’t get shit done bc I’m always so fucking tired. I can’t fall asleep at night. When I wake up, I feel like utter shit. It isn’t till many hours later that I actually feel half-alive. By the time I actually feel ok, it’s time to go to bed, which I don’t want to bc that’s the only time during the day (night) where I actually feel half-way decent. And this hamster wheel repeats day after day after day. I’m perpetually tired, never feeling good, save a few short hours during the middle of the night when I […]

I know in every part of me that my life is a failed mess and the experiment should be aborted but I lack the courage to do the honorable thing. Instead, I hold on, day after day, while things get more and more pathetic and shameful. I am not sure how much I will endure before I finally get the nerve to do the hard thing.

Society is constantly forcing me to think that I should live on. Telling me to use CBT. Not on my nuts but on my brain. It doesn’t seem to work. Somehow, the grid method and the jahari window seem to […]

I’ve been trying to figure out how to get this thing out of my head and onto paper (okay, computer screen), for a few days now. It’s about why I am where I am, why I’m depressed, and why I don’t feel understood. It might be kinda ranty, you’ve been warned.

Sooooo I’m unemployed “by choice” as in, I’m a somewhat able bodied American male, and right now not working is better for me than working. It’s a pretty common situation, apparently it’s been a demographic trend for decades only just now reaching a peak (people hope, if they continue with this approach they won’t be […]

Edit for Apr 23: If I didn’t put my arm up fast enough, I’d be fucking blind right now. Completely blind in one eye. For the rest of my life. I HATE MATTHEW SO FUCKING MUCH! He thinks that I will forgive him every time. Well, I’ve fucking had it with his absolute bullshit. I’m not putting up with him anymore. I will never let him hold my gun ever again. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I wanted to beat him until he was unconscious. If my reflexes were not fast enough. Every time I think back, I’m so fucking […]

Is anyone else tired of the “Help is Available” lie? The truth is unless you’re independently wealthy, there is little to no help out there. My insurance pays nothing to see a professional clinical counselor. Psychiatrist visits are only for medication management. I know of many others in them same boat. I need intensive IP treatment but it’s just not going to happen.