General

Before you start reading about my shitty life i just want to say that my english kinda suck soo real sorry for everything wrong with it.

I would have leave a long story of mine here but i dont give a fuck anymore the only think that is on my mind is that i completly failed at life and the only way for me to live would be giving up on all my dreams and passions just soo i can work 5 days a week sleep for 2 days of weekend and go back to work that is killing me inside sometimes having only […]

i feel like im a sad and depressed person trying to tell herself that shes happy
my mind is always i wanna die i wanna die but i know i shouldnt listen but sometimes i just wanna fall back into the hole because staying out of it is so hard

im so fucking tired of everything. i am going nowhere in life, fuck my parents, fuck the fucking world and fuck everything. no one gives a single fucking shit about me. fuck off

the desire to matter is a deadly thing,

more deadly still the ambition that drives one to achieve, to desire more

Every day is another notch

every day another loss

yet resiliency is a curse

intellect a burden

for it is just another door to pain

an open invitation to abuse

it would be better to stay dead,

but why would it get better?

death taunts one onwards, towards further destruction

promising an end to pain, but only beyond more pain still

“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”

“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”

“You can waste your time on the other rides, this is the nearest to being […]

Let’s start by saying obviously I have family that loves me. I’m also fortunate enough for the friends I do have who really care for me. But they’re not with me every night I go to bed. Trying to sleep as the feeling of loneliness eats me alive inside. I do have my pet cat who keeps me company during these restless nights when he feels like it, and I’m grateful for that. I wish I had a girl who would be there through my suffering, and possibly see the good in me even when I can’t. As much as it would give […]

Got nothing. No motivation. Last month for the project. Determines if I graduate, as do a number of other things. Working on this thing all school year just has me indifferent I guess. I remember the thing that I wanted the most out of this project is to make something that I’m proud of. Nothing that is mind blowing or game changing. Just something where I can say “Yeah I helped make this and I’m proud of it.” It didn’t happen unfortunately. I just look at it with shame and disappointment. Something where I feel […]

I had this dream last night, kind of sums it up for me;

My parents had dragged me to a place I’d never been, and they had found us a place to stay with some other families. The specific two things about that place were this;

One entrance/exit, the only way in or out is the front door

The structure was way overcrowded. At night with everyone asleep I would have to step over people to get anywhere

And I just wouldn’t do it. I told my parents I was ready to be done with them, for life. I can’t relax, let alone sleep when I can’t get outside […]

The unexamined life is not worth living.  I live completely alone and have no interaction with other people.  Surely that qualifies.  Thanks Socrates.

I feel like everyone I get close too just stabs me in my back even adults that watched me grow up can become one of the most disgusting people in your life  because people don’t actually care they will take everything they can from you. Your happiness, your will to live, your money, anything they can. They break your trust over and over and because you considered them family at one point you forgive and some of the things they did makes you want to forget but you can’t, the things they did they can never take back not that they actually try to because […]

There once was a man from Nantucket…

Who said “I’m sick of people complaining about not being able to work because of “anxiety” or whatever. Honestly, don’t make excuses. Man up and get shit done. Wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to get you anywhere in life.”

And he expounded this thought…

Over and over to one particular person…

Until that person stopped talking to him…

Stopped showing up anywhere at all, really…

And he didn’t feel bad…

And soon he forgot that person even existed…

And lived a long and happy life.

You should try journaling!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try exercise!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try yoga!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try meditation!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try antidepressants!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try cognitive behavioural therapy!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try positive affirmation!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try gardening!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try art!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try music!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try talking to a doctor!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try talking to a psychologist!
Did it. Didn’t help.

I think the “normal” thing would be to fear death. That’s what our society has coded as “scary” and to be avoided. You know what you get if you avoid death; old.

I’m 34. Relatively young, which means I have a long decline to look forward to. Sometimes I’m optimistic, maybe there will be less pain down the road. Maybe I’ll be dead before I know it. Other times… 60 years is a long time to have left on the clock. Men in my family, they’re either dead by 65 or live well past 90. I was caretaker to my granddad during his final years, and […]

So long ago. So much lost. Here I am searching for posts that probably don’t exist. A memory of 10 years ago. But here I am again. Searching for the connections that made me feel whole –  the connections that made me feel anything. So many years later and I can’t forget those that meant everything to me. The one opportunity to have someone understand, it meant anything. So many people – some don’t want to talk to me, others died, others lost to time. I can’t forget. I was always here…

I was always loyal, I would always aim to be there. I know I […]

I’m feeling alone. I have nobody who I can talk about my problems. I don’t know anyone who would help me. I don’t have anyone to share my dreams with.

The last time I logged in here I was just some kid in high school, things have been rough these last few months but I wanted to log on and tell all of you to keep fighting, nothing is forever, this time 7 years ago when I was logged on here wanting to die, and now I’m at home happily watching my child play with blocks, smiling laughing away, I could have never imagined my life like this, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, Please reach out if you need a friend

Prayers for my mother today. She’s going through serious heart surgery, still isn’t done.

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