General

you are right wendy.  after some thought i realize that is what i am doing. i am pushing away my husband, my family, friends, and now the both of you. but the hurt and the anger were real. this disturbs me. despite current appearances i am not prone to hysterics. and that was exactly what i was after leaving the office. i don’t know where that came from. though i suspect hormones had a role to play. it freaks me out to know that my subconscious mind is in a way conspiring against me. that leads me to believe that my suicide if not imminent […]

So, two days ago, I almost killed myself. or, I almost intended to. I put a plastic garbage bag over my head (lavender scented, nonetheless) and tightened the opening around my neck. I then breathed calmy in and out, until I started running out of air. To clarify, I wasn’t attempting suicide. I know that, if I tried that way, I’d just pass out, not die. I just wanted to see how it would go, would it be a peaceful way to go? Anyway, when I started to run out of air, I almost didn’t let go. I wanted to die so much for a […]

It’s almost the end.
It’s almost my time to go.
I’ve done all I could.
I’ve lived all I can.
The end is now.
I’ve accomplished all I can.
just a little deeper.
And just a little longer.
And soon I’ll be gone.

I feel to cry because i caused my life to be shit …If i die my family would stop being poor so maybe i should……….. just a faillure my new name 🙂 (Y) I love my mother way to make me feel better to tell me how much of a failure and  a user ive been and how poor i am making them …..yet im trying to stay positive

Imma just… take a bunch of pills and… hope this works.

What if this is as good as it gets? I’ve been in therapy on and off for 27 years, since I was 11. I’m afraid that where I am now is where I will stay. A horrible fluctuation between being ok, then cutting, then wanting to be gone, back to ok again. It makes my head spin.

What if this is it?

I still feel like my life is over, and as such, it makes no sense that I continue to breathe and consume resources. Am I suicidal? Sometimes. Not as much as I was a few months ago. I’m giving time a chance to do its thing. Pain is easier to compartmentalize now, and I like the meds I’m on. I function. I’ll never be happy again, per se, but I can get by. Everyone else on here has a worse life than I do. Suicide is more of a fantasy I don’t want to let go […]