General

to win 1K a week for life? That’s $52K.
Wouldn’t “solve” our depression but it sure would help a lot!
I wouldn’t have to worry about rent, or living in a shitty place just bc it’s cheap.
I could live in a NICE apt in a NICE city in a NICE neighborhood, where it’s safe and nice to walk around.
Hell, I’d prolly go to Hawaii, or travel the world.

That isn’t a “ton” of money but that is enough, and that is security. To know you’d always have said amount, which means you’ll always have a decent place to live and always have […]

I thought this period of my life was over. It’s been 2 years since I self-harmed last and more than a year since I actually wanted to kill myself. Things are going good for me. I just can’t seem to get it right, this living thing. I rot, and rot, and rot.

I didn’t have any sharp enough clades in the house. I had finally gotten rid of my backup razor blade. I really thought

I didn’t even break much skin. The blade it too dull. I want to scream.

I almost said to my best friend as she was walking […]

Was by watching/ reading specialized shit, shit far removed from the mainstream, you depart from the mainstream in this world and you go under. I remember building up a collection of non mainstream movies, oh how I wish that collection was in front of me right now, I sold said collection in furtherance of the purchase of drugs, but if that collection was in front of me I would take a sledgehammer to it. I got back into watching mainstream shit such as premier league soccer and noticed an improvement in myself. Food for tbought, perhaps once in a blue moon you can indulge in […]

I could list all the things I did wrong today or all of the things that went wrong on their own, but it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t help. Lately, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I have a purpose. Or at least that I would be missed by someone. The truth is, though, I’ve done such a fantastic job of isolating myself that I’m not sure anybody would even notice let alone care. There’s nobody to blame but myself. I used to believe that I had a shot at building a happy or at least somewhat comfortable life, but that just isn’t true. I’m […]

I’m sitting here on Day2 of my Period and I’m gushing out like a geyser -_-
UGH

All battles can be conquered however it seems depression is a never ending battle. Like there’s no end to restless nights, self haterd, low energy and so on… The battles could be endless. However many people believe we should just put on a smile and everything will fade away and everything will be cured, or take happy pills and everything is fine. I don’t think many people actually understand depression even those who go through it. I think we all suffer in separate ways, however someone just being there for us all to be a whole is something we don’t appreciate till late… Anyway rant […]

My regrets, longing, & cravings wait for me at the end of each day, to remind me that everything is wrong, and sleep is for those with a clean conscience. I’ve ruined my life, over and over again, far past the point of recovery. So far beyond the bounds of morality that normalcy is alien to me. Nothing will ever be ok, ever again. How could it be, when I’ve done these things, and still think about these things.

And I’m not killing myself because I’m afraid. And the only way that fear will ever be overcome is if things get so bad that I fear […]

I have such an unhealthy attachment to this damn site… Had been away for years and I’m right back in the same mess I left. I was sitting here wondering why that is and it hit me. There are ghosts here of people who no longer exist. People who talked me down on more than one occasion. People who sent a tremendous outpouring of love to myself and eachother in times of need. Im not good with loss. Letting go has never been a strong skill of mine and the idea that maybe I couldve said goodbye if i had stayed here eats at me […]

all this “knowledge” I’ve stored up, most of it’s fairy tales, magic beans and beanstalks, princesses and dragons.

Like I was talking about the underregulated days of street drugs, which are fairy tales to people my age, under 40, we’ll never know what it’s like to get really hard stuff perfectly legal, or only a little shady. Heck, even illegal you can’t get anything that great anymore, sorry to burst your bubble if you thought you could. Modern stuff ain’t patch on what it was, or so the old timers tell us, we’ll never know will we?

Same goes for alot. Like, almost everything

Retirement. Time was there […]

It is entirely possible I’m about to gas it off of a bridge. However, it is far more likely that I’m going to drive to the bridge and keep going like that was never my intent in the first place because I’m scared.

Prozac was cool… or at least a hell of a lot cooler than this. I told myself I’d rather be depressed than not feel anything at all and BOY WAS I WRONG. Oops…

The fact that I want to die and cannot make myself go through with it is laughable. What options are there for someone who only has the energy to let life pass but never actually live? I wish there was a pause button. Just stop long enough to catch my breath and come up with a plan wothout feeling overwhelmed by the fact that life is passing me by.

I feel like I’m in a long distance relationship with myself. Like half my soul is somewhere too far away to ever actually reach… Or some kind of poetic bullshit i dunno

*insert something useful here*
[…]

I am nothing

My existence is empty

I only matter when you want me

You are only happy when I’m drowning

It’s not like anything I dreamt of

I will let the blood gush out

Until there’s nothing left

To match my insides

It used to hurt

Now I feel nothing

I don’t think I’m real

Please tell me this is all fake

Yea, I’m not the same

Maybe you’re the one who changed

I can’t do this anymore

So close to jumping out the window

I can’t think straight

Suicide on my mind every day

Forever 27

I just need to find the strength to let go

I don’t trust anyone

Demons my mind has created

It’s my own little world

It’s not real…

I hate myself for […]

That’s my central question right now. I had a wild couple of weeks. Being wooed and then immediately lied to, devalued. Is it my body? Is it something about my awkwardness? That I’m given to being silly, or maybe that I’m not professionally -there- yet. It can’t be that I have any paucity of emotional intelligence, when this ex clearly was lacking.

I just wish I knew what it was. How I could fix it. Or someone to love me despite it, if not because of it. Who’s willing to grow with me. We’re all just doing our best. I’m trying to build a future; shit […]

a friend was talking about OD’ing. if it was possible to for me to somehow get good “clean” drugs (not cut with other crap) like ecstacy or heroin, i wonder if it’ll be best to go out on a high? or do we die during the down?? idk how that works but would be nice to experience bliss for once before going. like start with ecstacy, then move on to harder and higher feeling drugs until the final dose. that would be the optimal way to go. but i wouldn’t be able to repeatedly inject myself since i’m not a druggie.

also i wonder if we’d […]

My husband is cruel to me. I literally cry “you’re hurting me” and get nothing but anger and a cold shoulder. I have been suicidal since middle school. I’m now nearly 50. I have been cutting myself again. I’m starting to plan for my death again. I know I need help. I want to find the courage to leave this man who makes me think I’m crazy. I can’t tell anymore, but I know I feel abused.

My birthday is coming up this month and it’s even more depressing than usual. Every year I get older and sicker, and life gets worse and worse.

Where is this “everything gets better” shit? Been 4 1/2 decades. “Better” sure af hasn’t happened yet, only the opposite. Every year is more hellish than the last.

Sigh. Preaching to the choir. Most of you are in similar situations. I mean different life situations but end result is feeling like shit.

18-Year-Old Delivery Driver Shot at for Parking in Wrong Driveway

I believe Americans should have the right to have firearms (mainly bc I should be allowed to have one should I want to S– myself) BUT dozens and dozens of stories like this is why I don’t think *most* Americans should ever own a firearm or be allowed to touch one. Americans are crazy, home of Karens and Kens, and dumb af.

It’s like George Carlin says “Think how stupid the average person is. Now think that HALF the population is even dumber than that!”

This isn’t even a horror story- poor boy escaped alive and […]

My unlucky number is 8 according to Chiero’s numerology. Pseudoscience, I know. Not that I ever really believed in it; it’s just an idea I have entertained from time to time for heck’s sake. But now I find it useful as a make-believe crutch to lean on. Useful as a confirmation bias turned on its head if I do end up proving it to be true by my own tragic example. Number 8 is what I’m planning my “cowardly” exit around. This year is 2+0+2+4. I’m turning 3+5 this year. Six days after my birthday, the date adds up to the number 8. And if […]

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know I found comfort here a long time ago. I don’t know if I’m looking for the people I had found before or if I hope they escaped the need for this place. There’s no way anyone would remember me. I was just a kid. But maybe if the OG’s are still around, it’ll give me that little push that I find myself desperately needing again. Some kind of inspiration to get up and dust myself off

Maybe this will fall on deaf ears… or just an empty room… but I miss you guys. I hope […]