For your poems.
“The Moon’s man stands in his shell, bent under a bundle of sticks.
The light falls chalk & cold upon our bedspread. His teeth are chattering among the leprous peaks & craters of those extinct volcanoes.
He also against black frost would pick sticks, would not rest untill his own lit room outshone sunday’s ghost of sun; Now works his hell of mondays in the Moon’s ball, Fireless, seven chill seas chained to his ankle”…
Sylvia Plath
1932 – 1963 (Suicide)
Well, I guess I should start at the beginning. Â When I was in fifth grade, I was diagnosed with ADD. Â ADD makes it hard for me to focus for very long. Â Fifth grade was a very difficult year for me. Â I have always been a bit unique. Â I never really fit in. Â I listened to Christen music, which no one else thought was cool, even though I went to a Catholic school. Â I was made fun of for listening to TobyMac, who certain peers called “BigMac,” for reasons unknown to me. Â I told a guy I had like since second grade that I liked him […]
My psychologist says that use of escape mechanisms and mental painkillers makes me dependent on them and sensitive to pain, just the like people who use aspirins and conventional analgesics to deal with everyday pains become even more sensitive to the everyday pains of life. His recommendation is that “you just have to feel it sometimes”.
But mental painkillers are just so addictive. Thoughts of suicide are just sooo addictive, and comforting…well here is one of my painkillers, a cover of a popular Chinese song.
I’m a long term suicide survivor. I know how hard it is and how it feels to want to die. So I’ve written a novel about a girl who goes down that path and ends up in a hospital, like I did, and actually gets help. When I present it at writer’s groups, they don’t understand why the girl wants to die just because the love of her life dumped her. Geez. These people must have robot “stable emotions,” like saw dust instead of guts. It’s never just one thing but sometimes it takes just one more thing to push a person over that edge.
The […]
Hi, (sorry if this triggers a moderator, just talking about my own music that I hold the copyright for)
I’ve been having a difficult time…at work/school especially, but also with the fallout of my suicide attempt (12/2/11). Each day has been an anxious struggle. Even though I’m finally on all of my meds, I still feel jumpy and scared and depressed. There are some nice, happy periods that can last a couple of hours, so I hold on to those as much as I can. I’m an amateur musician, and my last album, Calliope, came out in 2002, just as my depression lifted a bit. I’d […]
The internet is a most practical thing for me and I am sure others if any are similar.
Not really social anxiety but more so just preference for solitude has been with me my whole life.  Not a problem to mesh with others, just felt like I was in the wrong place.Â
The noise, the physical contact/attention/affection desired by some of them, the seeming need for some of them to always have something to say every moment, the preference some had to always have to be around you for their own security.Â
May just have been the wrong people but from family to everyone else in my life that […]
I can feel the cold steel of the blade pressing against my skin again.
I can hear the whisper of the voice that tells me how easy it will be.
I can see the blood welling up from the first shallow cut.
I feel myself beginning to feel better because hurting on the outside makes the hurt on the inside lessen.
I see the blood on the floor, on the towel. I can’t believe I did it again.
I feel the guilt swell in my breast, making me sick to my stomach.
I find my sweatshirt. The one that covers my shame.
I clean up the blood. I throw away the evidence.
I lie, […]
Music blares into my ears
lost in a sea of thoughts
The waves crashing into each other
cutting sentences off midway through
I can’t breathe, and I hate swimming
I try to yell for help but all that comes out is a whisper
It’s unlikely anyone will hear it
surrounded by beach day fun
The reality is, I’m not too far from the shore
Treading on the edge of the shark net
I look capable
How does one get so far out – if not a good swimmer?
Alone, tired
I decide to sink to the bottom
Maybe I’ll find some sunken treasures
Maybe the […]
Normality is a state of being based on one’s surroundings, which may never be perfected.
It is a fleeting effort to mold the world to society.
An ever-changing effort that has no call for perfection, let alone normality.
Life now, as we know it, is normal. Five years ago it was still normal. In one hundred years from now, our normal will be taboo.
Normal changes, so why follow the norm?
To anyone who reads this, fuck all else. Be yourself and eventually others will catch up to you. 🙂
I am officially alone now.
My “bestfriend” is a guy, he told me EVERYTHING, and I told him EVERYTHING.
But it turns out he was just leading me on the whole damn time. And I was here thinking he will always be by my side, and I will always be by his.
He was my reason to stay alive.
What’s my reason now?
a combination of happiness and suffering
and smiling and crying
it is a journey God picked
for us to travel and see
who made it to heaven or hell.
I dont think thats fair though.
how do we know where we end up?
Does it even really matter??
We all die eventually.
We are eternally asleep when
we die.
So, no, it doesnt really matter.
Our souls will go across the universe.
Nothing will be destroyed when i
Die.
I dont even believe many people will remember me at all.
So why does all this matter so much?
There have been things on my mind that i just cannot
stop thinking of.
And i dont think those things have answers or
explanations.
I have been irritated off and on like a bipolar fuck, no patience in the world mainly because my dad’s too much of a tight ass to let me spend one fucking day with my cousins because their mom is never home yet my other aunts and uncle live there too but no getting through that moron unless another adult tells him that. He told me he needed me to earn his trust again after one of my cousins snitched on me and Alex about smoking weed, apparently together yet we never did. I cant believe this shit. I am angry as fuck and just […]
Have not done it for years. Was chopping up some vegetables or my salsa and tried to toss the knife up in a spin and catch it. Needless to say it bit into my hand. But the pain felt good. And the temptation was there. Just like it was when I was younger. After the incidents… made me feel worthless. But the exact things are shadowed…. mental block. Probably for survival because it may make things worse if I recalled it. I know it was when I was a kid though.
The knife just sitting there. Gleaming carbon steel shining like Polaris. Sharp thin edge like […]
Listening to the music that I did when I cut, is like revisiting a dream you haven’t dreamnt. It seems so familiar, yet you aren’t sure it even happened becuz, well for whatever reason.
Clothes is the same thing.
And remembering cutting, is just so weird.
Its like someone was filming me but through my eyes, and I watch that movie. Not remember the memorie.
Anything cutting or depression related is like that.
Reaching Out For Help,
But Nobody Grabs Your Hands.
Wanting Somebody To Care,
But People Pass By.
They Stare,
Watch You Cry,
Watch You Break-
Piece By Piece
As They Stare,
They Whisper,
“At Least Its Not Meâ€
i didnt say i was a straight up g..
im not perfect you can think what you thik of me..
there is knobody i am trying to be ..
i am only my self and myself can see ..
that im looking at the clock and its 4:20
and its time to rip a toke of some nice weed
and its her only escape .. its how she copes..
she has a hard day and she rips another toke
it gives her a smile
a high for a while
a happy feeling you get but in denile
now listen up im on a mission
im gonna fix this situation
you better not be disrepsecting
me cuz i know im […]
Maybe it’s time for you to get out of my life
Pick up the knife
Carve you away, carve you outta sight
Leave me alone during the night
Let me finally fight
Against the Power of Love.
But since you got me in the palm of your hand
At a checkmate we stand
Neither one moving because neither of us can
Neither of us knowing what we’re doing
We just keep kicking up sand
To win the fight against the Power of Love.
But to win the fight
Against the Power of Love
Both have to be strong
And I guess my love isn’t enough.
Only one can win
The other left to pain
Pain and depression
Happening again and again.
And for us it’s […]
Verse 1:
Surrounded by all these people
Not one of them I call by name
The occasional friend that’s never there
Yeah it’s close but not the same
Not the same as you
Not the same as us
But I guess there wasn’t anything there
I guess there never was
Never any love
Just the pain that you left behind
I guess I knew you didn’t love me
It was only a matter of time
And
Pre-Chorus:
Now I have
Something to say
Words of advice
To live by everyday
And there’s no holding back now
It’s time that you should know
Exactly what I have […]
Do You Love Me?
You’re nice and sweet
And pretty too,
But i need to know
What i have to do.
One day it’s yes,
The next it’s no,
Is it all
Just one big show?
I feel like a puppet
And you the puppet master,
Spinning me into another
New devastating disaster.
So just answer this
And all will be,
Better because
I’ll feel set free.
Do you or don’t you
Have feelings for me,
Because i did and do
And i still believe.
That there’s hope still alive
Hiding somewhere,
Deep inside of you
Yet you’re still unware.
Yes or No
Is all im asking for,
I don’t know why
But it’s time to open or shut this door.
Because the wait
Is killing me,
And […]
I’m wishing every night
On that “magical” time of day
When the clock strikes11 past 11
I’m wishing for the pain to go away.
I’m wishing for Christmas this year
Not to go awry,
I’m thinking of all the world’s problems
I’m asking God why.
What did they do to be bullied
Or to be given cancer
Why all my desperate prayers
Never quite seem to get answered.
I’m thinking “Why me?”
Then instantly regretting it
Thinking of the other kids
With death and hunger setting in.
They have no food
And they must starve
And I, a selfish man,
Think that my life is hard?
But I cant help wishing
Wanting a perfect life
A life free of the pain
The heartache, the strife.
And all along
My most […]
Please log in to report posts
