The internet is a most practical thing for me and I am sure others if any are similar.
Not really social anxiety but more so just preference for solitude has been with me my whole life.  Not a problem to mesh with others, just felt like I was in the wrong place.Â
The noise, the physical contact/attention/affection desired by some of them, the seeming need for some of them to always have something to say every moment, the preference some had to always have to be around you for their own security.Â
May just have been the wrong people but from family to everyone else in my life that seemed the natural set of things.Â
None of the normal family/marriage/social circle things appealed to me. And at work, even the promise of more money did not inspire me to network with people who I would have not otherwise dealt with.Â
And the fact I hate asking for help. Because I hate owing anyone anything. And it sucked because several times my situation was so shattered that I had to ask and I hated myself. I felt like I was a worthless piece of trash/scum/excrement for needing aid.
Felt like the only way that I would feel worthy is if I could survive relatively independently.  Whatever I needed for job training I wanted to learn without a teacher.. ust to absorb the material…. to keep my mental and physical health intact I wanted to research myself and go from there…. purchasing things was no problem.. it was just the fact of having to ask someone outside of a purchase or a trade felt/feels like begging.
To this day I still feel that way. Poring over manuals to fix my own items before I have to call a repairman or expert. Avoiding certain thngs unless I can do them myself. Even though i may ask my inner self cringes at the request and the self directed anger/hate/disgust/ begins again.Â
My stupidity/ignorance/weakness/powerlessness/defect for not being able to do it all myself no matter how har I try.   Seeking death because I just do not fit outside the net. Where one can be free to give or recieve without strings/attachments/shackles.Â
I have seen that many on here would kill for the attention that people seem to want to offer in my direction all the time. And if I could give it to you, believe me I would because I want no parts of it.
Just because I limp/cough/stumble/shake does not mean I want their help. Stop asking what is wrong and leave me alone.
Just because I am sick does not mean I cannot do for myself. No I do not need a doctor/therapist/counselor I will either do it on my own or die trying.
Even if I cough up blood or fall out, leave me be. Eventually I’ll either get up or die. Unless of course I am in the way and please allow me a bit of time to drag myself elsewhere before you offer aid.
Save the aid for those who want it.  The people out there on here and out there who need it but none is given. Who thirst but no water is available. Who hunger but no consumables are within reach. Who look for help but are blinded. Who listen for benevolence but are deafened. Who sniff for a hand but their nose is plugged. Who want to taste the sweet but sour is everywhere.
Help those people. Heal them. Comfort them. Assist them. Ease their pain. Give surcease to their suffering.
But me, leave me in darkness. I need nothing from you. I ask nothing from you. The darkness is enough comfort. The pain will eventually end when I go to the eternal nothingness that is death.
But I give my light to shine the way for those who seek it because I never wanted it.
9 comments
Looking around the comments page, I can honestly say that I have been impressed by you, and that is no easy task.
I feel I should say something about this post, but (scatterbrained as I am lately) my mind cannot grasp the appropriate response.
BTW I enjoyed reading your post about cutting. It is eloquent enough to tempt a former cutter to play the butcher for one more time.
Having read some of your posts Gaara, I must say I am honored.
And yes saying that on a suicide board sounds weird.
just that with your perception, for you to regard something takes quite a bit of substance.
the biochemical response from cutting is … an indescribable feeling.
And since I’m something of a blade/edged weapon lover anyway, it can make for a mesmerizing experience.
Even though more modern weapons are more practical, blades have this exquisite aura to them. And it is one of the weapons that needs a certain delicate skill to be wielded against another skillful opponent.
Ah to have been a Viking/Samurai/Hashashin/Mongol/Knight/Incan/Centurion or one of the plethora of cultures who did battle with blades only.
Kendo and kenjutsu classes just do not give the thrill.
U.N. Owen:
“And Then There Were None” by Agatha Christie
Oh, Mr. Owen, how I wish that you would invite ME to your little party. A secluded retreat somewhere on a high, snowy mountain would be just right, so much better than a tropical island.
Hey, what if all the invited guests were suicidal? Instead of wringing their hands in fear, they would be fighting amongst themselves over who would get to die next. What a hoot! Naturally the last little Indian would have to go and hang himself.
If done right, it could be a mystery that would never be solved. When the carnage was finally discovered, there would be ten little dead Indians and countless questions that could not be answered. It would make Agatha Christie proud!
U.N. Owen, I went through a few of your posts, and this piece you wrote caught my eye:
“My quest is one of frivolity
Foolish, immature, silly and stupid.
Forgoing the success and joys of humanity
That are possible by doing as others do
What is this moronic goal you ask
That turns my mind to mush
I wish to become a god myself
And ground the other ones to slush
No tests will beings under me endure
No trials or trouble will there be
For if I become a being that can change reality
I’ll teach everyone else to be like me.”
I thought along similar lines in the past, but alas it truly is unattainable. Wouldn’t it be more “benevolent” to be a god of destruction instead and END everything? Perhaps it’s too cruel since it most likely won’t be a mutual agreement amongst the human species. Ah well..
Your fascination with blades certainly is interesting/unique. Sir, I’m afraid you were born in the wrong time.
And, wow look at that… I managed to type up a reply even though I’m not focused 100%
Yoo Hoo …
Grand idea, my only suspicion is that a couple of non suicidals posing as being ready would sneak in.
And would try to contrive to ‘save’ the whole party.
Still it is poetic and rather alluring as an idea/
Gaara…
You must truly be impressive when you are at 100%.
You remind me of someone on another site.
Extremely mentally talented even when not at full potential.
You raise a good point. Not that I did not peruse that idea. But as you say there are some who do prefer the imperfection of existence to the negation of death. And there is already enough coercion and slavery(even if much of it is self inflicted) in existence at present to subject everyone to ending when there are those who would not choose that.
I guess my thoughts were that everyone could create their own pocket universe tailored to their liking. And because all would have this power, even if one chose something that would hurt another it would be negated because everyone would have the power to automatically block all harm intended for them.
Yours is a more efficient and probable course of events I think. I’d agree to it.
Well, I am flattered/delighted that someone as intelligent/mature as you would acknowledge my mental capacities. Thank you. Sir, you have officially made my day.
That I am not at 100% really takes a toll on my wellbeing.
“It stills the racing thoughts, relieves the pressure of the madness that crushes my mind, vice-like.” <== That. I want peace of mind so I can refocus my thoughts/priorities. Even putting pen to paper is a difficult task.
[I rub my eyes & stare at the screen, reading the words over and over, trying my hardest to engage in an intellectual conversation]
Sadly, my mind is blank…
So here is a poem written by the lovely Otep Shamaya (which inspired the God of Destruction bit) as my gift to you.
“here & now, I make my demands .. I want chaos & disorder .. mass destruction .. famine & plague .. I want victims & enemies .. I want to taste their suffering .. to eat their rage .. what I want — is complete & total horror .. I want to taste the sodium tears of shivering children, weeping uncontrollably .. I want to feel their sorrow soaking into my bones — I want to slide my fingers inside the wet caverns of their fear .. I want to suckle the bubbling milk of madness from the swollen breasts of the Great Fanged Mother .. I want to see with the eyes of panic .. to smell the inevitability of death .. to laugh at their pain – hysterically – to know nothing of regret or remorse .. to spread my sweet disease .. in this empire of filth .. to live the end of days .. to be its voice .. to be the one responsible for finally putting a stop .. to all .. of this.†–Otep Shamaya
BTW, U.N. Owen, I keep favorites on this site. Including you, the total has summed up to 6. Thought I’d share~
Gaara.
Thank you for that.
It was lovely in its purity.
You’re welcome, sir. It was my pleasure. And thank you for your comments on two of my posts.