Words can never fully describe how emotionally bent I am. Seriously. Im at my wits end. My parents disapproval of me being gay, my physical ailment. My constant mental battle of staying alive is no longer pulling in my favor. Its stressful, I feel weak. Unworthy. Drained. I give up…
“The responsible one, the mature one, the reasonable and the rational one. No, I could never just take all that Xanax that’s not right. Gotta keep the grades up gotta stay smart gotta do it right or it all goes downhill.”
Right? That’s who I fucking am, right?
But, you see, I’m so god damned tired of being the responsible, mature, rational girl that knows not to make stupid decisions. Drugs and alcohol are no good, I know what they do to you. I’ve sat through every fucking school assembly about how deadly that lifestyle is, I’ve witnessed people go down that path and never return. But […]
So…hey there. My name is Jayden…I’ve been on here a couple times, gotten help from some amazing people. Then I thought my depression and anxiety were gone so I selfishly felt I didn’t need to come on this site anymore. I’m sorry. That was selfish and rude and despicable in my opinion. But before I go on a 5 page rant on how much I hate myself, let me catch anyone who listened when I was originally here up to speed.
The girl who made my depression seem nonexistent dumped me.
I have effectively pushed all but 3 of my friends away
The last friend who helps me […]
Usually I can’t cry. Today I managed to a couple of times. Once was when I tried to write a short message to someone. I couldn’t understand the words well enough to construct a short sentence. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t speak to them. I cried because I’d lost so much. The tears were loud and I was sensitive to noises today, so it sounded like screams ringing in my ears. I lay with my hands clamped against my mouth to stop myself screaming from the pain of the noise and depression. I lay for a long time. After an hour or two I fell […]
I hate myself.
I think I’m falling in love with a very close friend, who doesn’t love me back, naturally. But she doesn’t know it.
At the same time, I’ve been sort of in love with my best friend, who, of course, doesn’t love me back in that way. But she doesn’t know it either. She is in love with a guy who also is in love with her. But he’s an idiot.
Still, he knows… I’ve never talked to him ever, but somehow he knew instantly that I’m in love with the 2 other girls I mentioned. I don’t know how. He just knew it […]
Barely could sleep last night, if anythig other than water enters my stomach it will come out right after, i’ve been hiding from my family as i don’t want them to see my teary eyes, it’s 10:30 pm it seems to get worst at night, the only place i feel safe is the living room i can’t even go to bed.
I have been putting a lot of thought into religion lately and I get it. Religion is important in a lot of peoples lives and they get angry when you want to freely discuss god instead of blindly follow. A good friend of mine killed herself a few years back. We were part of the Jehovah’s witness cult and she had voices in her head telling her to hurt herself. She went to the elders of the church (because that’s what you would do) and they told her she needed to pray more. Not one of those motherfuckers though maybe she should go to see […]
Everyone knows me as a cheery girl. They want to be me because they think I have no complications in my life. But it’s funny, because they don’t know anything about my life. Yes, I tell them funny stories that really happened in my life but that’s what they all know about my life. They don’t know how I am going through depression. They don’t know how I am crying at night over everything. They don’t know how it’s so hard to force a smile and fake a laugh. I always put on a mask of happiness of mine everytime I’m with them but there’s […]
When you think of yourself how do you feel? Tell me every bad thing someone has said to you or you said to yourself. I want you to think of those things and then overcome those thoughts with positive things you’ve been told. But for real tell all the mean things you can remember anyone has said to you, and then tell me all the good things that anyone has ever told you. I’ll start(obviously 🙂 )
BAD: Okay so I’ve been told I’m extremely annoying, my hair is to puffy, I’m fat, only skinny girls can wear yoga pants not people with bigger thighs and […]
I’m tired – I don’t mean I want to go to sleep, I mean I’m tired of life.
I’m bored – I don’t mean that I’m bored of what we are doing right now, I mean I’m bored of everything and everyone in my life.
I want to leave – I don’t mean I want to leave the place we are in at this moment, I mean I want to leave my life and disappear.
I hate this – Not the thing that is currently going on, I mean fucking life.
Let me start out with a list of things that’s wrong with me
I’m fat I’m stupid (failing 3 classes in school) I mess up people’s day get called names by my parents and I mess up things in general.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression
I want to die and I deserve to anyway
I’m a burden to my 3 friends and family because of these reasons and others.
When someone’s having a good time or having fun ill say something and then ruin there time
I swear my parents hate me they’ve call me lazy ignorant a whiny little ***** they’ve told me to screw of cause I was trying […]
I need to get the hell out of here.
Friend #1 called the cops on me and told them some lie about me wanting to do some murder-suicide shit to my boyfriend. I got mad at her, and she told everyone around me that lie. Because how dare I get upset, how dare I swear at her for calling the cops out of nowhere and in the middle of the night.
Now my neighbors think i’m a danger to their children and call them inside everytime I leave my house.
Then there’s Friend #2. He walks up to me at work, accompanied by his buddy, and […]
Woke up this morning for work, and I’m already over today. The past few days at work I’ve gotten yelled at for stupid reasons, just because my supervisor is stressed out. Yeah because that’s my fault.
I wake up and want to quit every morning, but I need the money. I fucking hate it here. I shouldn’t want to not come in every single day. I come in everyday dreading what I’m going to be yelled at for today.
I’m tired of the bullying, the harassment. People talk down to me like I’m worthless and stupid and I’m not. I know I’m not, but after awhile and […]
I’ve lost control of everything. I am failing the two college classes that I managed to stay in, I’ve lost my closest friends… I can’t manage to even go to my classes because I literally cannot get myself out of bed. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve attempted in the past. I’ve cut. I’ve turned to drinking. I’ve stayed in a hospital for a week. I don’t have anything planned and I don’t think I want to do anything but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t seem to know anything except that I can’t seem to do anything I need to do. […]
Why Dreams is better than reality?
Why is Dream better than reality?
Why is dreams better than reality? Why dream is better than reality?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality / human’s fantasy is better than reality.
for example:
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi / sci fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, MMORPG , Interstellar , The Matrix , Avengers , X-Men , etc etc, they are much more interesting, full […]
I don’t know why I’m like this or how I’m supposed to make sense of it. I’ve (guiltily) had sadistic fantasies since I was a child. My best dreams are the ones where I’m being chased or tortured or killed. When I’m out in public I’m often either anxious and self-conscious or casually nursing violent thoughts towards others. I was on a plane last night wishing that it would crash and kill everyone on board.
But I’m not going to hurt anyone, not unless they consent to it. So there’s nothing wrong with being like this, right? Is it okay if I quietly enjoy my sadomasochistic tendencies to […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I have Aspergers syndrome.
I am a girl. Its not that visible. I am supposed to be very high functioning. The more I realize my struggles and my differences in contrast to other people.
I am pretty much down.
I just cant navigate through relationships. I cant let go of people. I still love somebody whom I loved five years ago, who moved, who I dont see anymore…etc. I make people mad. I make fuss of things that arent important. For normal people. I have just ruined another relationship of mine, because I was too pushy, too needy. I just dont seem to do anything right. Even weird […]
Before, I would fill with emotions until I could no longer hold anymore. When it would become too much, I would overflow and spill to whoever would sit long enough for me to empty.
Now, I expand for my surroundings. Once I have reached the brim, I become deeper to allow more issues to pour in. I am a bottomless bottle. I am no longer required to open up. It is not a necessity to empty, since there is always room for more. I am sealed.
Even if I become too full to carry on, I’m not sure I even know how to create a small leak to lighten […]