I can not see myself living a long life based on what has occurred for the past 21 years. I feel like an embarrassment because the only thing I did was screw up things myself by allowing others to treat me like shit and go along with certain bullshit to feel accepted. I’ve developed a state of partial isolation because my lack of social interaction has resulted from be being afraid to become close to anyone and whenever I try to people think I am weird or mean because I am so timid to continue a conversation. When you have experienced sexual, physical, and mental […]
Category:
Rants
I’m not sure of anything. I don’t feel anything anymore. I really just want to disappear. I don’t want to die I just don’t want to live either. My life is just nothing and has no worth. Yet, I still don’t want to die completely. I don’t want it all to just go black but I also just don’t want this life to continue this way.
It’s hard to put into words how I feel so bear with me.
I feel nothing. I never feel anything anymore. When anything happens I feel numb. Numb to the pain, sadness, joy, and fun. I don’t know if I can […]
Hello. I’m 23, a college student, and was just diagnosed back in September with an anxiety disorder and depression.
I don’t know who to blame. Or didn’t for a long time. I’ve dealt with what I suppose is considered self loathing since I was eight years old, and always assumed this was just a result of causality. I didn’t have many friends, my grades were shit, I often felt angry and isolated from people around me. I assumed that I hated myself for these reasons- because I was somebody worth hating. Because if I were somebody else, I’d probably hate me still. Now I don’t know.
I […]
I don’t belong here. . . My brother is constantly going on about how he’s depressed and that apparently means that I should do things for him and he tries to make me feel guilty saying things like how our dad (who adopted and raised him) likes me more than him and treats me like a princess and just makes his life miserable when all he ever does is sit in his room and play video games. . . and I just moved in with my dad and his family last summer and its the first time in my life I’ve had him in my […]
Virtual Reality is escape from boring reality sucks , Virtual Reality is escape from boring real world sucks , Virtual Reality is escape from boring real life suck !
by niki
written by niki
Virtual Reality is escape from boring reality suck ,
Virtual Reality is escape from boring real world suck ,
Virtual Reality is escape from boring real life sucks !
We all know that this Reality / Real-world / Real-life is very LIMITED / LIMITING !
everyday we do the same routines , chores , go make money , make money / profits , go to boring shitty jobs because of money , and then we go have fun, party, sex, entertainment etc etc , and then it repeats again !
What’s so interesting about that ??
I’ve observed that most people who actually LOVE all those […]
I was encouraged by impefertluck to write tonight.
There are so many people hurting and so much pain. Know you can get through your personal struggle and hurts. It can often seem like you can’t. Feelings lie. Maybe that sounds pretentious. Feelings lead us to conclude things we never would have if the feelings hadn’t been so strong.
I have dealt with my depression for over 20 years. I had counseling but no one listened to me when I talked about the pain of my family life so many years before. So, instead of understanding that the depression came from a situation I had no control over, […]
Firstly, I cannot end it, no matter how much I’d like to – I have 2 kids who adore me, and it is entirely for them that I continue to breathe.
I just feel like my life from start to finish has been one endless joke, and I thought that maybe if I considered this statement more fully, I may begin to revise it. But no.
I look back on my childhood with little happiness – I was the gawky kid that everyone made fun of – I had severe acne, didn’t know how to make friends and didn’t do terribly well academically. Boys were not interested […]
Sitting there blank-faced, forcing a smile has to be the painful scene that I act-out, every-day. Why do we need to smile… is it a law of nature ? People just do not understand that a smile indicates a positive in a persons life; but constant-sometimes it has no-reason- pain cannot produce a smile, naturally.
Forcing myself into this smile, is as pathetic as insisting that “I’m fine” when I’ve clearly drank almost two bottles of wine — the latter is painfully funny, but the former is just painful. I can do laughing — laughing is part of a momentary reaction to a funny act, event, notion, thought or an uttered […]
I feel nothing for anyone around me. Those that say they care, are more easily consumed by their own interests. I hate my life. I hate waking in the morning, the façade of a life I present to others, the happiness I show people daily, and, more so, not being able to sleep with my own thoughts at night. Why do I continue? Why keep up this farce of a life? Am I that weak? Can I not end this charade? I guess nothing ends….
I gather courage from pain. Each day, I put my uniform on, knowing I am hated. My only hope is to cross paths with a person that hates me […]
I don’t know if anybody is going to read this, I don’t know how this works, but I hope it helps me…
I’ve been having a lot of problems at home, with my dad being mad at my mom and I, barely acknowledging that we live there too. There is just too much tension and I just can not take it anymore. So I decided to give my father a reality check, something that will show him the consequences of his actions. He either changes for good (I hope), or I’ll learn he never loved me.
I decided to sacrifice my life.
I hope my decision doesn’t sound selfish, […]
I reached a point where all the reasons to leave this world are strongest that the ones to stay. Something brokes in me, I can’t feel anything but hate, and this hate is slowly killing me from the inside, so I’m starting to wonder why shouldn’t I end this myself.
I don’t know what to do. All I asked was love but in my life, I’ve just known the wrong side of it. I was the one who was loving, never the one loved. And a lot of time, I thought that it will be it, that the nightmares will finally end but only false hope […]
It’s hard to remember that there is never truly a ‘right way’ of dealing with suicide, whether it’s you or a family member that has attempted. People will always get hurt, there will always be those feelings of shame, pointing fingers, those that will calls us melodramatic and say things that could tighten the noose a day sooner.
So knowing that, why not just buck up and take on that added shame when you reach out? I tell myself. Why am I so afraid of uttering my deepest secrets to the person that I’m expected to do that with?
Because the moment I do, he will […]
I lived in a broken family. Divorced parents, lots of fights, my mom and brother didn’t get a long, never-ending shouting, crying and screaming. I tried not to say a word, to appear strong, to not make things worse. For years since I was in primary school I felt alone and longed for love. I felt broken inside, so broken to the point that I feel numb and empty, I had to cut myself just to feel again. To feel anything, to remind me that I can feel pain, and I’m still living. The blood trickling down my skin to the bathroom floor somehow calms […]
First, I fully admit that this is childish and stupid, but it pisses me the hell off, so I’m going to write about it. (In retrospect, I think I got mad about the same thing last year – there’s a fucking suprise.)
Friday was my birthday. As with every other year, no one remembered other than my parents. (Which I am grateful for – they’re getting up there in years and my mom is terminally ill, so it meant a lot.) But, what makes me mad is that I have “friends”. I call these friends, I try to be there, to listen, to help out, etc. […]
Just two days ago, my dog had to be put to sleep. As I’m typing this, I should be getting some sleep myself. It’s 1:30am, and I don’t want to, nor can’t I, sleep.
The worst part? He was my only real friend. From the moment I owned him, even to this day, I had, and still have, a grand total of zero human friends.
All my schoolmates did was one of three things: say hello once a month, ignore me, or see how far they could push me, if they could make me snap.
It must have been their favourite game: Push The Freak Until He Breaks. […]
1/16/15 This my first post on this profile. I had a previous one but could not log into it so this is my new one.
I had a shitty day Friday and it’s really hard when everyone says for me to “let it go” or “stop thinking about it, wait and see. Life will get better.” I’ve been told these things the past 7 years. I am almost 16, everything is boiling down to this one thing.
All my life I was abused, bullied and depressed. I don’t remember the last time I was ever fully happy. Every time I think about my past it just makes […]
I hate how if you don’t go to college, society deems you an “idiot” or a “failure” in life. I tried college, but it just hasn’t worked for me. It’s too fucking depressing. Everyone that I knew in high school seems to be in college, all giddy with their friends and entertaining lives. I have nowhere to go but into the limited career world that I’ve been bred into, and I’m not expecting much. I can’t do anything for long, because I become bored and just want to sleep and never wake up. Therapy is going pretty poorly. My last meeting with my therapist was […]
I wish I were someone else. I don’t care what I look like. I just want to escape my mind. I want to stop all of these thoughts that engulf me. They are trying to kill me. But they’re right. I am one in 7 billion. I don’t matter. I will never be an important part of the world. I might as well not even exist. I don’t even want to try to be someone important. I hate the world and I hate the human race. Call me cynical, but nobody cares about anybody unless it’s benefiting them. I don’t want to be a part […]
A disclaimer to the world.
I really don’t belong. There’s no conceivable place on this planet where I belong.
The public is my enemy. If you put someone in front of me, I’ll do everything in my power to disregard them, including not-disregarding them. My mask is so genuine that it even deceives myself half the time, such is the cost of being able to blend into society, and avoid being a homeless bum the rest of my pitiful existence (of which will continue to be a pitiful existence, bum or not, however bums are publicly pitiful, which is why I’m willing to throw myself away most […]
Well today I am 46 and life still sucks. Every night when I go to bed I pray I won’t wake up again, but again I wake up and the misery starts again. I’m tired of people telling me chin up things will get better. Well assholes nothing has gotten any better! I still feel unwanted and invisable to the world. My “friends” tell me how wonderful I am and that I will find the right person when I stop looking, if I stop looking how will I find this person?! Have they every been truly lonely in their lives? Do they know how the emptiness […]