Hello. I’m 23, a college student, and was just diagnosed back in September with an anxiety disorder and depression.
I don’t know who to blame. Or didn’t for a long time. I’ve dealt with what I suppose is considered self loathing since I was eight years old, and always assumed this was just a result of causality. I didn’t have many friends, my grades were shit, I often felt angry and isolated from people around me. I assumed that I hated myself for these reasons- because I was somebody worth hating. Because if I were somebody else, I’d probably hate me still. Now I don’t know.
I also don’t know about suicide hotlines. I tried calling one earlier this evening, and ended up pussying out before reaching an actual person on the other line. It got me thinking- maybe there are some people aren’t worth saving?
I know that sounds truly awful, but I guess I’m talking about myself more than anything. I took some pills with liquor tonight, but I know it’s not enough to do any damage. Yet I took them anyway. Why? If I’m not committing to the act of ending my life, why do it just to fuck up my liver and make my sub-par at best life just a little more lousy? Why aren’t I brave enough to take that final step?
It makes me think that there are people out there who maybe shouldn’t be stopped. If I made a legitimate attempt at suicide and happened to survive, I fear it would fuck up every aspect of my life. My partner, who’s suffered through the hardships of living with a mentally ill person as well as my own awful personality, would finally have had enough and would kick me out. I’d move back in with my mom in a town we’re both pariahs in. I’d forever be known by everyone in my family and acquaintance circle as “the one who tried to commit suicide.” There’s a shame just in having everyone know I’m crazy. It’d be too much to survive a legitimate attempt.
If I’m ever brave enough to do it- really do it- I don’t want to be saved.
3 comments
I’m sorry things hurt so much you punish yourself even more. 🙁 You don’t deserve that treatment. There is wonderful, strong person beyond that pain. You may not feel that way, but you are. Please don’t hurt yourself more.
maybe its not so much about someone’s worth and more about how much they want to be saved. from my own experience, 2 out of my 3 attempts were the ‘do not save me kind’, i had completely shut down, didn’t reach out to anyone, didn’t even care to leave a note. didn’t even plan it, i was just done.
i think that if you still have the will to call a hotline, even if you hang up, and come here, then you still want to be saved and therefore lets really hope that you are.
taking some pills tonight may either be just self destructive tendencies or if your like me, its a comfort thing, like a reminder that when it gets to be too much you have a way out.
like when they give astronauts the ‘just in case’ suicide pill… i’d carry that shit on me 24 seven if i had one…
anyhow- if it helps – today felt like i was a gutted fish, you know? just raw, hopeless, shameful grief and self-pity but then i come here and read your post and i empathize which leads to replying out of compassion and i don’t know why but its really therapeutic –
maybe it can give you a little relief sometime too-
Thank you. I’ve read several other posts tonight, and want nothing more than for these other people in pain to find something inside them worth living and persevering for. I guess feeling that compassion for others in similar situations reminds us that we’re not as awful as we (I’m speaking from my pov here) think we are. I can certainly understand a level of catharsis coming from trying to help people who feel shitty like you do.
I just can’t fuck around with my pills like that anymore. They’re prescribed to calm me down during my more intense episodes, and abusing them during situations like this just make me feel bad later on. But they did their purpose- I’m calmer now, at least.