What does one do at that point? I see no joy in living. The bacterial infection from 2.5 years ago has destroyed my legs (as well as other body parts) and I was already disabled to begin with. But at least I was more mobile before. I was sick and disabled but not THIS sick and this disabled. I can still walk but my legs are not in great condition. I can’t walk very well. Hell, I have trouble even bending my legs.

There is no time machine for me to go back and never have come here to thus state, to this shitty […]

When im looking and seeing people riding bikes, playing sports and having fun doing things, i dont understand it! I could never have fun doing anything. I used to play and love guitar, i just stare at it now, id rather look out the window and watch others be alive! I feel nothing.

I came across this video last week. What he says is very true:
“Everyone WANTS friends, but no one wants to BE a friend.”

Friendship Isn’t Fun Anymore… It’s Exhausting:

10 more weeks then I’ll have less than 10 weeks. Overall I’m getting used to it. Which is not something I’m exactly happy about. Still looking for a job. Still not having any luck. I’ve been trying harder than when I was looking a few months ago. No motivation like dread. Haven’t gotten a call back for an interview yet though. Only been three weeks, so I guess that’s normal. From what I remember it took a few weeks when I started looking for a job and then they kinda came flooding in before they died […]

There is a kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from isolation.
It comes from being surrounded by people who don’t really see you.

Lately, my mind feels exhausted. Not tired in a way that sleep can fix, but drained from constantly holding things in. I don’t have friends I can genuinely turn to. No one I can call without rehearsing what I’m allowed to feel. Even the people closest to me, my parents, believe in “tough love.” Rules, restrictions, discipline. Emotions are treated like distractions. Feelings are seen as weaknesses. And somewhere in between their intentions and expectations, my inner world gets dismissed.

I’ve […]

What do you do?

I feel like there isn’t anything that actually helps. I’m sure there’s some good therapists somewhere. But good luck finding the 5% that’s actually helpful. No suicide line or warm line or hospital or mental health clinic does any jack all good. Neither do pills as all they do is numb you to your pain and shitty life.

No friends want to hear you or listen to you. “Friends” are only friends when they want something FROM you. But no one wants to BE a good friend.

I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, weed. Nor do I want to start. But […]

Today i really want to relapse. That all that’s the post. No heartfelt words. No tears. No trauma dumping. I just want to relapse.

Life sure loves reminding me that I’m useless

I wish I would/ could have left when I was 18 and never meet them again. I’m a weak guy. I wish I was independent from very young .

So I went to see my regular doctor for the first time in a few years, and that wasn’t fun. Which is why I don’t like to do it. I have to go again next month. At least it’s free. They also aren’t giving me any medications, so that’s an upshot too. They’re just poking me and this time they took blood, and that sucks.

This next visit on Friday shouldn’t be nearly as much of a pain. I’m just going to get my medications checked up on. They decide if they want to change anything. I’m hoping they keep things the same, because I take […]

And this is why I have never attempted.

*If you are squeamish, do NOT watch this video*
*Video From Inside Edition:

There was also this lady IRL who I’d see all the time taking the same bus I do in downtown where I used to live. Her face was all blown off too. She had aimed the barrel into her mouth. She apparently attempted and survived, and now her face, and i’m assuming her throat, trachea, mouth etc all messed up.

I’ve known many people who have attempted. All of them lived. The ONLY person that succeeded was a friend of […]

In a way, I’m looking down on him by pitying him. I don’t want to do that, but man do I feel fucking bad for him. The other guy I work with on my shifts is pretty good. Can’t understand a damn thing he says half the time cause of his accent, but he’s pretty cool. I don’t know how long he’s been a technician, but he’s a tech 3 meaning he’s a senior level position so he’s been at this a while. He mentioned he was working at another warehouse before this one. That place actually had robot […]

What words would you use to describe life?

Miserable? Or wonderous?
Out of reach or full of possibilities?
Unfair and unjust? Or is it fair enough?
Cruel or “it’s just the way it is”?
Do you fight it or just accept it?

What other words would you use?

Do you feel alone in this world?
Misunderstood?
Uncared for?
An outcast?

Nothing makes me happy anymore. I used to love playing violin, but it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. I used to sing, but now I barely talk. I used to draw, but my art has turned into scribbles and shadows. I love my friends, but I’m constantly reminded that I don’t really belong with them. I’m not living. Just existing. And I hate it.

When you’re tired of the world and it’s materialistic traps that never satisfy you. When you want to experience impossible things and not be so limited. Things like flying, visiting other worlds, being invisible, no health problems, live how long you want, world peace, perfect harmony, go wherever you want, be how strong and fast you want, no disease existing in the world, experience being other lifeform, etc.
What else would you like to experience?

How do you escape a hole you dug yourself into? I cannot talk to my friends because I am afraid of being reported or ignored again. I cannot show the slightest bit of unhappiness around my parents or they will send me back to the hospital. I can’t even try to die yet because I am still afraid of what they’ll do to me if I fail. But I can’t stay like this either. I hate myself more than anyone in the world, and almost nobody notices that I exist. I am trapped and I want nothing more than to escape these chains somehow.

i have only realized quite a while ago that what ive been and am going through is genuine real abuse. though even before that point, each time i asked for help it was ignored completely. with this and all other failures in my life, how am i not meant to think that its all worthless
i am tired of needing to be strong and im tired of hearing about how brave i am for “keeping it going” when nothing is going anywhere
i sometimes do consider asking for just a little more help but the want to is always intertwined with this fundamental fear of […]

Am I just not good enough to be with anyone?

I have friends, and a good family, but I lack in the relationship department.

I keep mulling over if I should be trying to find a girlfriend, thinking if I should start a family…

I’m getting older. Idk how much of it is biology, but I think about it a lot lately.

I’m perfectly fine being alone. I don’t want kids. This is the most solitude I’ve had in years. I’m not sure though. The one person I wanted, that I still want, is thousands of miles away, with someone else, and does not feel the same.

I don’t like […]

Most conflicts boil down to the conflict between the mind and the body. The conflict between imagination, feelings, expectations versus the material, limited matter, bodies.
Reality is more powerful than our minds. Reality wins so watch out. Look around you, take it in, don’t stay in your thoughts too much.