I know it seems kind of silly, but i’ve been thinking about my final day on earth a lot lately. And one of my reoccurring questions is, what would my last meal consist of? I have been on a self, imposed diet for the last 6 weeks and I have lost 25 lbs, but that just means everything sounds good to me at this point. I’m pretty sure I would have some version of pizza with fries and a piece of french silk pie. What would you guys spoil yourselves with?
I just got into my goddamn second Car Accident. First ine happened in 2016 now i got into another one because the road was wet going down hill i spun and landed in a ditch. Front is fucked. Im depressed and im not hurt but i honestly wish i was dead right now. I hate my life i hate everything.
Looking for perspective of someone with ADHD on my situation with my friend.
We were best mates and eventually dated in high school, and people said he had it, but I never believed it. Just felt like that was a label they slapped on a lot of smart kids who found school boring. He never presented with the typical symptoms (hyperactivity, non-stop talking, non-linear conversations). He always seemed totally focused and interested to me, and was never a big talker. Today he told me he was just trying that hard to impress me, and he was really good at hiding it. Which tracks. He’s super smart […]
-the 2nd video is a 1on1 interview with the woman
Being a good person and having a heart => YOU’RE FIRED!
Being a douchebag that treats your thousands of employees like crap => congrats, you’re the best CEO ever, and here’s your $100M annual compensation package!
’tis life in ‘murica….. -_-
And…you wonder why I am jaded and hate this stupid shitty selfish messed up world?
Please tell me if any of what I say here is meaningful. I’m somewhat convinced most of what I say lately is bloviating, so I’m trying to distill it down to meaning.
I’m a shell, there once was more inside. Maybe there is deep down in there, I haven’t seen the soft bit in so long. I saw the smallest bit six years ago, and it was pretty rough when it had to retreat again.
So it must be nice to be so sincere about things as people on this site in general are. I’ve been studying why I’m not dead. Not in a self pity way, […]
Needed to take a moment. At work right now. It’s her birthday today. Said I’d call her after losing a bet with myself. Pretty sure it’s just an excuse. Still haven’t done it. Teetering back and forward. One part pulling me in one direction, another illogical part pulling me in another. Every rational part of my brain says not to. That it’d be pointless to try. Just re opening scars that haven’t fully closed yet. She’s gone. Got to accept that. The other part of me makes no sense. Part of […]
Even doing my art, something that’s supposed to be therapeutic and expressive for me, has become another thing that I always overthink and hesitate on, something I dislike, something I don’t do unless I think it will be perfect – or, well, as perfect as I can do anything ever. I can’t even do my hobbies w/o being reminded of my flaws, and it stings. Always worried about everything. It’s ridiculous, honestly. It made me lose my […]
I guess something just clicked. I didn’t think I’d ever follow through. Thought i would always be too scared. Now what’s done is done. Maybe I can just go to sleep
This place was a comfort to me years ago. Less so now, but i hope the people who need it continue to find it.
Half the people id like to say goodbye to are already dead and the other half left this place forever ago, so here’s a sincere thank you to just.. push out into the void. Goodnight, guys.
Goodnight, Captain
well, seems like the shame is all on my side…. makes sense.
I ended up taking monday off….. that’s such a nice way to say I almost quit but took a sick day instead. My boss is has chronic allergies, so there are no sick notes. Maybe the employer is kinder, could be, but I think my initial take is the right one. I know where I’m being shielded.
Anyway, so I wasn’t pushing as hard today. It didn’t seem to matter. Nothing does.
I’m near the bottom of my burnout, I don’t know how I’m working right now. I guess because nothing matters, not even if I’m […]
I’m so far from anything healthy, or normal. I’ve completely isolated myself. To the extent that even when I’m around people, drinking and talking, trying to be sociable and personable, I’m alone. I’ve isolated myself morally, psychologically. I’ve become something unrecognisable, twisted, alien.
And I have no fucking idea what I’m doing here, out on my own. This is uncharted territory. Here be monsters.
I know there’s no way back. There’s no way of unseeing the things I’ve seen, or undoing what I’ve done. There’s not much of a path forward either. No real examples to follow. Those who’ve been down this road tend to keep it […]
I wanted to end it. But even completely drunk, I just don’t have the balls to commit to it. I’m too much of a coward.
Why is it so hard to go against our self preservation instinct?
Was by living in a world of imagination. I remember well what a teacher wrote on a term report card when I was in third class – ” Being a dreamy boy” was the line in question. The translation of this line would be ” he lives in the imaginary world and not the real one”. A problem, any problem has to be caught early, if not caught early just like cancer it gets out of control and you die. This fucking propensity I had for imagination led to the inevitable namely hardcore suicidality. I recall an interview with Fellini about the time he took […]
in the tradition of our species, I’m going to try and tell a story instead of actually facing the horrors straight on. Maybe you know some of it yourself, it’s a common enough one
There was a spiral in the distance, in the clouds one day it seemed it was just a passing thing. What an odd thing the townspeople thought. The clouds never spiraled before. Yet the next day, there were more spirals in the water, and people found themselves dancing spirals on the way to work
the town was soon beset by spirals. Everywhere you went, there was the spiral. At the doctors surgery, the […]
I have become more and more isolated over time. It’s kind of an odd feeling because now I just have everything delivered to me whenever I need something. These days I work from home, so for the most part I can live a contactless existence. It’s an unusual place to be when you realize you don’t need to go anywhere. I always keep a tv on for background noise though, because I really can’t stand the stillness of pure silence. Which I suppose is kind of ironic considering how secluded I find myself these days. I wonder if I will ever really feel comfortable in […]
I’m starting to think I can’t keep this up.
I’m finding myself getting more and more angry and agitated as the days go by.
Thinking that after this lease is up, regardless of what happens, I just need to go down my own path. Stop asking for anything and distance myself for a while.
For the sake of making my own way. I feel like I just take and take. I’m sick of taking. Tired of burdening everyone important who tried to help me.
There are so many things I need to do to fix myself and I’m getting nowhere because it’s […]
I’m writing my will. It’s just a good thing to do, especially if you’re contemplating suicide. No loose ends.
I own a little flat, and I’ve been thinking for a while of leaving it to a friend’s daughter. I don’t want to leave it to my family, they all have property. Not that I know a lot about my friend’s financial situation, but I don’t think he’s been that lucky in life. And also, I have a bit of guilt around owning property on colonized land. My friend is indigenous, the way I see it, I was only ever borrowing the land anyway. If I’m […]
Every day I wake up to this hell scape I’m supposed to call a home, it completely horrific and unbearable. It’s been this way for my whole life, the terror, the constant feeling of drowning or unable to breathe. I just want it all to end, but it never does. I don’t know how people do it, go on about their lives as if the world isn’t falling in on it self. It’s scary, I feel so alone and desolated from everyone, it feels like I’m the only one seeing and experiencing this. I’m tired and mentally exhausted, I just want someone to acknowledge what […]
I don’t know if that makes it better or worst, we’re suffering now, at least a few of us from the same thing. So we can at least comiserate.
but the pain is still too acute for me. I’m too vulnerable right now. So the intimacy scares me, not traditional intimacy but communal familial. I guess I’m waiting to be invited. New family member anxiety, and it’s a loose family. Subtlety was always something I had to work to understand.
I’m trying though. Every bit of my emotional experience is wiirrring away trying to figure out how to navigate this situation. But now I’m finding out theirs […]
I’m a final year student about to enter the job market, and my family’s well-being weighs heavily on me. While I appreciate everything my parents have done for me, their pressure to find a job immediately is causing a lot of stress.
Looking back, my academic performance wasn’t ideal due to personal struggles in high school. Now, many companies have strict eligibility criteria, making things even more challenging. Although I managed to do well in college and 12th grade, it feels like it’s not enough.
Hearing talks about being a burden to the family breaks my heart. I want to contribute and find a […]
I was listening to coward of the county, it struck me how many fights I ran away from.
When my wife decided she was through with my financial issues, I surrendered.
I tucked tail and ran when my hospital was run by a maniac, and riots ran rampant.
When my company lost it’s use for me, decided it was done with me.
When my passion career said no, when every school I had hopes for wouldn’t even take my calls.
When my back up career decided to back me into a corner.
when my back up to my back up did the same damn thing.
This is the corner I won’t be […]