i hate myself for every single little thing i do. i get into an argument with my mom, i hate myself after for the attitude i gave. i eat, i hate myself after for eating. i stay quite, i hate myself for not speaking. i speak and i hate myself for not staying quite. it seems that no mater what i do, i am never satisfied with myself in anything i do. i feel like i will never be satisfied. i will always hate myself.

Hello, before I begin I’d like to say thank you for taking your time reading this. It’s a long story and I’m afraid that there will be more negative elements than good but I’m working on that. I’ve come here for a last attempt for finding hope, as I have lost mine. Maybe writing my story there will be someone out there who really understands. But I must warn you, this is a cautionary tale so please keep an open mind. I really need some help with being completely overwhelmed. What would you do?  

Where do you begin when you decide writing your life […]

I’m so tired.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I take excessive amounts of sleeping pills just to escape reality. When I don’t have anything to help me sleep, I suffer from severe insomnia.

I can’t stop thinking about what’s happened in the last few years. It constantly rewinds and replays in my head. And since the punishment will be for a lifetime, there will be no relief – ever. How can I possibly make any sense out of this? No relief – ever? Why live? Why go on?

I’m numb.

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the reflection. It’s like I’m looking […]

im aaaaaaaalllllllllll alone with rare health problems and bipolar. aaaaalllllllll alone. hopeless and poooor. cant have kids, no sex drive, ED, tired. Went to college and poor. im black. did i mention i was poor? aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll alone. no sex drive. low testosterone. bipolar. cant keep a job. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll alone. no woman for me. im crazy. i wont live life anymore in a sick mind and broken body. i hate being black. im gonna die

A lot has been changing in my life lately.  With all the treatment shit and then I got a therapist.  I don’t really know if the therapy helps.  Professional help is just not my  thing.  Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself.  I haven’t been on here for weeks and it’s like a large chunk of my life is missing as odd as that sounds.  I thought I had come to a point where I didn’t have to rely on SP anymore, truth is, it has made me half of who I am.  I feel like I’m going crazy, god damn it.  At least crazier […]

Reading through my suicide note and plan and just mad at myself for not going through with it last time when I was so close… Thinking about all of the times I could have done it and I didnt because im such a coward. If I would have, I wouldnt have to deal with the constant aching in my heart… im not sure how much more I can handle before I blow up

It’s tearing me apart deciding whether I should commit suicide. I have an effective method and I’m extremely atheist, but I can’t decide whether to it. My life is shit and I doubt I’ll ever be capable of anything worthwhile or worthy of love, but I still cling to life. Why? It’s over. Why can’t I just do it? I feel I’m better off dead but I’m too scared to kill myself. What should I do?

Just gonna disappear for awhile. No reason whatsoever to keep hanging on to everything I worked for.

I thought for once, I’d be able to be okay. It’s hard to think when all these thoughts are in your head. You’re like a ticking time bomb. The wrong person cuts a wire, and you explode. And you’re nothing. Because they made you feel worthless. Like everything you ever did for them was nothing.

i call this dark place home. i am stuck living with my crazy family. but i will get out of here one way or another. help me if possible.

it’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. its not a mental thing– its a physical thing. it is physically hard to open your mouth and talk. the words come out like your retarded and you just cant do anything about it. we were born to die, right? so i might as well just end it now… its crazy how this world can be so confusing. i try to be someone im not so people love me… i fake a smile so people dont question me. i pretend that it doesnt hurt but in reality im in so much pain its crazy. […]

I don’t know if I’m full-on suicidal.  But I like the feeling of a blade on my skin, the blood running down my ankle, my neck, my arm, whatever it may be.  I like the numbness it brings.  Maybe that’s why I cut, to bring on the feeling that makes sure I can keep going for another day.  But I was found out when I actually cut a word on my wrist.  My docs blamed it on a medication I was taking, but I know better.  Are any of you scared someone will find out that you’re suicidal, if people don’t know?  Are you scared […]

Tonight I found myself driving my brother home because my uncle had made a statement implying that we’re both wasters living off the state. My brother was seething with anger and rejected the notion but for me it’s put things into perspective. All my life I’ve made excuses for myself and thought that I should be judged less harshly because I have a learning disability and suffer from anxiety and depression. I thought my family should love me no matter what. But now I realise the world doesn’t give a fuck about my problems, my weaknesses, or the bad cards it’s dealt.  I can’t afford […]

The saga is dead. All the men for themselves.
This is what’s left when faith is dead.
Walking in white, quietly in the dark.
The spades encloses the heart.
Stooped, under goddamn degradation.
Commander of the faith, the saga is dead.
The party from death to life. I’m still down, pick up a few other.
Though, I really am vowed. Steppingstone to be simply.
Listening to trip-hop, what’s up?

she looked at her blades

then looked at her wrist

she misses the feeling

her scars are fading

she was staying strong for so long

she finially gave in

she put the blade on the her wrist

she knew all that work was for nothing

she began to cry

she sat there in pain

becuase she knew she was insane

I think about it all the time… at least a few times a day. Suicide. I dont think about how it would affect others.. i dont think about anything but myself. But i never seem to care. I want it so bad in so many different ways. But then i see this kid.. i see how their family and friends are effected. How sad it makes everybody and how much it makes other ppl appreciate their lives and their friends and families lives. Its a curse and a blessing at the same time. It doesnt make me want to end things any less, but it […]

we bleed just to know that were alive. you hurt yourslef on the outside trying to kill the monster on the inside. the worst thing about being sad is that your not really sure about what makes you happy anymore. its like i can compose my self when i with people but when im alone i totally just break down… I’ll adimt it, i stress out, i cry, i hide my emotions, i fake a laugh, i hurt but you know what? i’m trying and its not very easy

i realized that i am dead. i might not be dead too other people… but inside i know that i am. i wish someone knew i needed help becuase im way to scared to tell anyone that im this close to just ending it. any advise…

Id like to share from an existential level and some insights that have occurred.  I have explored numerous modalities to tap into that higher awareness our world so readily speaks about.  And yes, I have had amazing experiences… But nevertheless, one always returns to the world of man.

i hear many spiritual teachers say that this planet is a school, a place to learn for souls, and that we create our experience before we entered the womb of our biological human mother.but honestly, what I see, is this logic is pure bullshit, cloaked and lessened with the same idea of man: that one must struggle to exist, […]

I always find that talking helps so much, to anyone. So i guess i just wanted to say if anyone wants to talk at all about anything at all comment and we will find a way to talk. I can’t say i will give you advice, or even promise that talking to me will help, but i wont judge or give hate and hopefully we can help each other. Let me know.