my parents have done so much for me
yet im failing all my subjects and im fat and i just feel so much burden. Everytime i think about one bad result, everything come crashing down and i think about my future and then dying and then i just wish somebody would kill me.
someone please kill me, ill pay you.
Finally I can have this back. Finally got *him* to leave this alone. God where the hell do I start? I was in the bathroom one day and I just filled up the tub. No bubbles. No nothing. It’s not like I was trying to have a bubble bath. And I got in and went underwater. As long as I could. Knowing that I’ll struggle and finally come up for air once I can’t take anymore. But I wanted to suffer. Feel me black out. I sat there for 2 hours of just complete silence. I’ve had a relapse and it’s horrible.
Just want to first say this:
IF YOU ARE ON HERE READING THIS PLEASE FORCE YOURSELF TO FIND REASONS NOT TO AND THEN COME UP WITH A RADICAL BUT ACHIEVABLE PLAN FOR BEGINNING TO LIVE AND EMBRACE LIFE AGAIN.
YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE, EVEN IF YOU CAN’T RECOGNIZE IT RIGHT NOW.
PAIN, DARKNESS CAN BE OVERCOME.
* * *
Have attempted suicide a few times, most recently 2007 (carbon monoxide, more impulsive and less deliberate) and 2012 (overdose, deliberate and methodical).
2012 was closest to date; received dialysis twice and woke up convinced I had irreversible brain damage. Realize that my resolve to succeed each time is growing and […]
If I could do it and not hurt her, I think I would be gone. I wish I could do it and her not think it’s her fault. I wish she knew that I did it because I am the worthless one who is trying to save her from anymore pain. She is my sunshine. With out her my world is very dark.
For starters, I’m amber. Despite what it was like growing up, I was generally a happy kid. I had my grandpa to thank for that. My family and I lived with him until I was about 10. I was very close to him. My parents didn’t pay much attention to me because of my older sister and twin younger brother and sister they had to worry about. My grandpa was always there for me, he defended me and stopped my dad from beating me. Three years ago he passed away and for three years, I haven’t been the same.
All I want is to be […]
I just want to sleep, dreamless, for eternity.
My life is destroyed beyond repair due to actions and decisions I made while having bipolar episodes. My financial state is ruined because of mania and my academic/professional state is in tatters because of depression. I have wasted time, ignored my talents, and destroyed my opportunities.
I have been on countless medications, slogged through endless CBT appointments. Nothing is working. I have no hope left. I am a ruined, broken creature. I do not have it in myself to continue any longer.
I regret leaving behind those that care for me – especially my boyfriend and father. However, I cannot […]
I am so tired. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I haven’t slept in days I keep having bad dreams. My friend died a month ago, it and I keep dreaming that she died again, and wake up crying. I can’t talk to anybody. I told my sister that I had lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and she said congratulations. 🙂 But, it’s not just my friend dying. It started before that. I keep crying throughout the day. I’m supposed to be happy and friendly and helpful, but I keep having meltdowns at work. I feel ridiculous, I feel like a failure. […]
I know this sounds silly but, would it be ideal to wear a diaper underneath a person’s clothes when it’s time to leave? Â I keep hearing different things about how people lose control of their bladder when the die.
As it gets closer to time I’m wondering what it will be like. Will there be pain? Will I feel life leaving my body? Will I be asleep? Will I be afraid? Will I fail? If I fail what’s going to happen? Will I be hospitalized? Psych hold? What method will I try next if the pills fail me? My brain is busy processing all these questions. Has anyone attempted before that is willing to share your experience?
I hate self harm relapses. Not like being “clean” from cutting for 4 days is a big hoorah.
Just damn. I wish the blade was sharper to get more blood.
ahh…don’t listen to me ramble…im overtired and plain batshit insane hehehehe
i’m cutting my fucking self again, i don’t get posting this, but fuck off, i feel so fucking lost right now.
Anyone want to chat? Yknow, about death and stuff? Anyone at all? I really am losing my grip on reality.
Tomorrow is the day. I’m sitting here making a mental note of the final things I need to do. I’ve taken out the trash, I’ll finish the laundry in the morning. I’ve set my phone to send out Fathers Day messages automatically. The refrigerator is empty except cases of water and some lemons. I wanted to have all these documents shredded but didn’t get around to it guess I’ll pack them up and shoot an email to my attorney that he should collect them and properly dispose. I wanted to donate my body to science but they don’t accept suicides. I still need to write […]
Just another day of fighting with my fiancee. God, I CAN’T wait to find employment and move out of here. I have to. It’s so miserable knowing that I’m a 25 year old who will never be married as long as I’m with him. He’s verbally and physically abusive, and never sorry about it. He controls everything and takes so much from me. When his plans fall through, it’s my fault, or anyone else’s but his. He literally believes that he is God, and should actually be locked up in a psych ward. The amount of times that I should have called the cops on […]
Well, I’ve been off my med (200mg Zoloft) for three weeks. Cold turkey. I was on it for both depression and anxiety.
The only difference I notice is that the physical symptoms of my anxiety have returned. That trembling sensation in my hands, nausea, sweating, flushing, etc. Anxiety levels and depression levels are the same.
Withdrawal effects were pretty tame. Nausea, head aches, dizziness, emotional lability (i.e. uncontrollable crying/laughter at odd times)
Hmm probably should go back. The physical symptoms of anxiety are a ***** and they are mostly visible to other people which is not good and in turn makes me more anxious.
I’ve realized I’m no good my family hates me my grandpa doesn’t like me my uncle always fucks with me and makes me feel worse as for why this impacts me so deeply is I have no father all mine is happens to be a pill popper and can barley sustain himself for two minutes without going into a fit of rage. My grandpa has always thought lower of me and never did like me at times it really shows for example, he always goes on about how I’m soo dumb or how I never change when I try when he sits on his fucking […]
lot of other monkeys got attracted to it, and they also started to jump into the race
new monkeys are born to racing monkeys and they also started following parents
after some time, first group of monkeys died, remaining monkeys keep running in the race
after a long time a new monkey started asking why should a monkey’s  life wasted in the race like this?
no one has the answer.
Same way as humans don’t have answer for why they live
there are times when i really want to dance the line of life and death, and others where i am glad to be alive. lately though it seems to be the latter of the two. Â there have been times when i have tried to slice my wrists, i have tried to take pills. my question is this: is there a reason i am still here?
I’m starting to see why people do certain things, I may not fully understand it but I think when we are in a place where we feel pent up by our circumstances, a change is wanted…needed. Right now I’m low on oxygen and I’m hanging by an idea. Will a moment come when we find something that gives us fresh air, makes everything seem lighter, brighter more promising, even scary. Looking back to a sad place its easy to ignore it, and maybe move toward what you want to do. In ways I wish I could see an option like that for me but now […]
How many folks believe in heaven here?