Does anybody else think of jumping in front of a train every time you hear the sound of it or see it?
Think of jumping in front of every moving car? Crashing your car? Lying down in the freeway?
Think of jumping off every high height you see?
Think of stabbing yourself?
Think of hanging yourself?
Triggered into suicidal thoughts through anything you could possibly hurt yourself with?
Want to get a gun and shoot yourself and be gone forever?
How about every time an ambulance goes by, you think, why that person and not me? I want to die. Give me some way out, please.
Think of drowning and suffocating and water intoxication all day long?
Welcome to my life. Done fighting it. I feel crazy and have nothing left and hate myself and I won’t ever change. I can’t get away from myself unless I drink a ridiculous amount.
Why is such a pathetic human being like me wasting oxygen? I need out.
9 comments
Your not pathetic. Your sic and need help. If someone has a broken arm they go see a doc and fix it . Depression is no different. You need to seek all the help you can find and fast before it’s too late. Go to the er talk to the crises nurse or whoever tell them how your feeling get some help . And comfort before you take a drastic step.
My doctor seems to think I’m crazy and I don’t think she’ll put me on other depression meds. I’m on prozac and Wellbutrin and it works for like a couple months then I’m back to this stupid state. It’s like my body gets used to the medicine or something. And I can’t afford another visit. Don’t know where to go or what to do. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I wish I could afford the resources and had people who cared and believed me.
Yeah i know those feelings, i know the urge to jump infront of cars, to walk down dark alleys at night hoping to get mugged or killed, to cut, to burn, to just stop and fall apart, too weak to keep going. I know the drinking excessively just to get through it. But every time i want to jump or self destruct i don’t, i muddle through because there’s always a reason not to, no matter how small there’s always something to hold you back. You’ve got to conciously take that and hold onto it, to cultivate what it is that keeps you going untill it gets stronger than the desire to self destruct. Its not easy and it takes time but its worth it. Also alcohol is a depressant, while you nah believe you need it to get through a day all its actually doing is making you worse and worse, cutting back on alcohol while tough will greately help. You have to face your deamons or forever be in their controll.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. What was your reason not to and to hold you back? How’d you get control of the demons? I haven’t been drinking lately because I really believe it’s not the answer at all just an escape from my thoughts, but the thoughts get seemingly worse. I feel helpless. I research suicide methods all the time. And I’ve attempted many times with no avail. I want to leave so people don’t have to put up with me anymore.
Well the reasons not to don’t need to be that great, sometimes the fact my favourite tv show has a new episode, for a while my ex was the reason, fear of pain, not wanting to hurt my family, i was putting people into hard postions. Its all about finding one that works for you, if only for a little while, then find another one. One thing i found great is seting a date in a good few months away as a death day, then postponing when it gets closer, its all about little things, slowly one thing leads to another and your a year ahead. Getting controll of deamons for me was a stroke of luck, i had an epiphany that quite literally broke my mind, it really got me the controll over my mind. Look up a post by me “peace and love brother” that was the main one. Stopping drinking takes a while to become effective, trust me i know, you need to replace it with something better, exercise is a good choice. Attempting isn’t something you should be doing, killing oneself is harder than most people realise. Would you mind putting my name in ur reply, i find it easier to reply.
You’re spot on with everything you said except where you considered yourself to be pathetic. If anything, I think the fact that you fight, including possibly the ultimate defiance of suicide, rather than trudge along with the pointless misery of life like 10.5 billion other humans certainly elevates you above ‘pathetic’.
Thank you your words of comfort really helped. Thank you for caring.
Same
Here to listen if you need someone. You can email me. Timo3708@bears.unco.edu.