A Short Story Cut Short

A quick disappointing blur. That is what my 23 years have been so far. Maybe it isnt worth dying over. Maybe its not that bad. I have always doubdted myself at every turn, ever since I was a young boy .When I learned that i didnt know my father because I am the product of a drunken one night stand. My biological father was not present because he had to take care of his REAL  family. I now have severe social anxiety, its impossible for me to talk to women, or most people for that matter. and I stay inside with my cats most days. Pathetic, isnt it?
Never finished highschool, now I am stuck in two dead end jobs that I hate. All day at work I think about ending it, and I fear that I will eventually collapse under this urge. Past two weeks or so i havce been carrying an xacto knife with me everywhere, just in case that option gets too tempting to resist. I know i want to die. But I dont want to want this. Can anyone relate?