Just deep depression.
stuck in a deep rut

There is no joy, no fun, not even a little bit.

There is no drive- how can one have drive in a system designed to keep you down?

Being born poor is like being handed a canoe with a giant hole in the middle, sinking, with NO oars.

I actually managed to get to “land” despite all that. only to get knocked off into the ocean again. This time without even a broken canoe.

Just me, no canoe, no oars, no life vest, and no one there to throw me one of those floaty donut things.

I’m […]

There are so many ppl living terrible lives, with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, living in poverty or near poverty. 61-67% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck and 50% do not have a $500 emergency savings.

Yet idiots are out there popping out tons of children. If you can’t even afford to give yourself a good life, how can you be out there popping out so many children?

Is that not negligence and child abuse to bring human beings into the world that you cannot adequately take care of- financially, physically and emotionally?

Does it make any sense to have children when you only see them […]

My suicidal struggles…
…personal accountability vs protecting others from my pathos (by hiding it, or minimizing it)
…reaching out for encouragement and hope vs knowing I am incapable of actually sustaining it.
…wanting my life to have a positive impact vs suicide negating any such positive impact.
…confiding in a friend/family member so that I feel connected vs deeply hurting that friend or family member when/if I remove life from my body.

Professional help is more than an oxymoron it dangerous and unaccountable pseudoscience. Unconventional thought is not synonymous with crazy, nor is it criminal.

Ah, but if I were crazy, then my crime, my offense, […]

Someone I care about keeps asking me how I am. What do I say when each answer is both truth and lie: great/terrible, strong/weak, hopeful/hopeless, faithful/fearful, solid/vapor? It is not my intention to be conflicted or confusing or mutable.

Yes, I am okay.
No, I am not okay.
Yes, I want to live and make a difference.
No, I want to this ineffectual life to be over.

I’m like a bunch of well used marbles. Some have retained their sparkle, while many are badly scuffed or chipped, ill suited for their original purpose. So pick a marble, any one, and what you see is the truth, […]

Love me some Lemon Demon. Of Course my dear friend Neil is only taking after a long line of alternative singers in being very sardonic in his approach to human relationships. He was influenced of course by the great Logan Whitehurst and They Might be Giants. My wife and I did actually go out for Valentines day last night and what music do you suppose came up while we were coming to and from the restaurant? Several of my more morbid picks;

Also, speaking of boozing, do you know what I had with my dinner? Second one I’ve had in two weeks, an old fashioned. I’m […]

Would you rather find your true soulmate tomorrow or win $10M tomorrow?

Lol at the results :p
But also me: Yes

I suppose the difference would be less dramatic if it was 1M instead of 10M but probably not by too much.

http://youtube.com/post/UgkxlcHn5iZT4Ma5_9up0Z4UnYng7YeRsin3?si=4mg2b10UpSx2TGwR

——-
Watching this right now lol
The Worst Valentine’s Day Deaths Ever

https://youtu.be/Ov2jDds-EQg?si=BuIa5wcAJ6F317Cr

You have a button that allows you to rewind life 5s (no you cannot stack).

What do you do with it? Get creative lol :p

Would you rather have:

10 amazing years and die
OR
Have the rest of your natural life but depressed/suicidal (I am assuming most people here have 20-50 more years)

Do you know how this world (everything) is supposed to be?

The final nail in the coffin has been set. My advisor said there was no funds. Getting grant money was especially hard this year. I knew it was coming. I’ve been saying it’s been coming. But it still hurts. That last thread of hope has finally snapped. I will never go back to WPI. On top of that work today was just miserable. One shitty thing after another. Went by fast though. I guess that’s something.

Now I’ve really set my sights on studying abroad. Trying to get into a PhD program […]

Ever notice how the news media “normally does not report on suicide cases unless there is a significant Public Issue” but the minute there’s a pretty young blonde girl who kills herself, especially if they can dig up photos of her cleavage, all the news outlets scramble to put her on the front page?

If you’re curious, just go to google news and type in suicide.

It’s so disgustingly hypocritical and shamelessly exploitive that it makes me want to jump off a flagpole. But I’m neither a girl nor blonde nor sporting cleavage so they’d just hose me off the pavement and carry on.

They say when you’re about to kill yourself you don’t say anything to anyone. I haven’t realized how close I’ve been for the last few weeks until i talked to my therapist. I’ve been so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything has seemed so hard. I’m constantly sick and my head is exploding. Living is getting harder and harder but i get up, take a shower and go to work. Smile and hang out with my friends, make my clients feel beautiful and then i go home and think of all the ways it would be better if I wasn’t alive.

When my therapist […]

Well, that crazy mf was right after all. Who knew that the crazy Pizzagate story was ACTUALLY TRUE? That this world is run by a cabal of corrupt pedophiles? The Epstein emails actually had tons of references to pizza and grape soda, wtf and smfh.

Every big name was part of Epstein’s circle- from Prince Andrew to Bush, to Bush jr, to Clinton, to Trump, to Bill Gates, to heads of states, to many world leaders, etc. Almost every big name person you can think of- all part of it. Melania Trump included. And Erika Kirk is also tied to […]

Heh- Didn’t even realize today was Friday the 13th. I have chronic bad luck so I suppose it’s “Friday the 13th” for me every day.

Anyone else have unnaturally bad luck in life?

@heartless- Today seems like your kind of day since you love horror flicks. You should go watch a classic tonight :p

I just feel like nothing matters anymore.

Half way through the work week. Two more days. I complained earlier to myself that the weeks were going by too fast. That I was becoming too comfortable with it and thus will become complacent. That flipped pretty quick. Last week or so has been so god damn slow. Like painfully slow. I can really feel the 12 hours in my shift. I count down the hours. Break them down into minutes and then seconds. Try to calculate the percentage of the day left. The percentage of the week left. I debated which […]

If anyone is into true crime, and loves to see rich ppl killing each other, then this is the documentary / TV series for you. :p

It brings me “joy” to see assholes killing each other. Some of these episodes, I find myself rooting for the killer lol

@heartless- you might like this series. It was free on YT

It is hosted by this flaming gay dude with a very eccentric (loud) wardrobe, to say the least. Dude gets bashed over in comments than anything else in the show lol. Which I kinda enjoyed and missed when they got rid of him and replaced him with a […]

If I could beat 1 delusion out of the mental health profession, it’s the stupid idea that “every suicide is preventable”

That’s like saying “every murder is preventable” or “every war is preventable”. Face it, all of these types of death–suicide, murder, war–are part of what it means to be a human. So any fool claiming to reduce suicide to 0 is as silly as some teen beauty pageant where they say “my dream is world peace”. Sure, exterminate all humans and then you’ll have 0 suicide, 0 murder and 0 wars.

So if we accept that suicide is just something that hits a certain percentage of […]

What are some good books written by people who killed themselves?

I’m halfway through “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini who killed himself in 2013. It’s about his suicide attempt and lockup in a mental ward when he was 15. Good book, breezily written but it touches on moments of deep psychology, and anyone who’s also been locked will find it immediately relatable.

Couple months ago I posted about “By the Time You Read This” by Cheslie Kryst who was Miss USA 2019, a lawyer, tv host, model, activist. Jumped off a building in 2022. The book isn’t specifically about her mental health but […]

Living in an old ass run down house means having the pipes burst and having no water – can’t shower, can flush toilet, can’t use sink. Yet fucking again. The pipes have frozen and burst 3x in the last 3 weeks.

And for all the people that say “money isn’t important” – fuck you. I hate those mfers. They have never been poor, are tone deaf, And have no clue how much struggles the poor go through every single day.

I know it’s too late but I should have never moved here. My health has suffered so much since I’ve gotten here. And once your health […]