I am really sorry, but I cut myslelf one hour ago. It was so hard to stay clean ’cause there was so much pain and everyone said, that I fuck everything up. I’m scared, that it’s true. I am always so ugly and fucked up and just really… I don’t know what to say. Please forgive me ’cause I fuck everything up. Always.

I forgot the first line. Who the fuck is going to save me.

Gona go, try. Go, go. Battletoad. But I can’t.

Oh yeah. I need to stay clear, my eternal spectrum, and sober.

Be like water. Time to recuperate. I need to escape.

Seven years of acidic death. My scroll. My blood.

Faith of God, you would understand. Higher kind.

In your heart. Enlighten. Become a Man, a Woman.

Superman and Wonder Woman, and all the others.

Game-station. Do no forsake the forsaken. My chain, I wish I could of…

Saved you all. That is my mission.

The music of Mankind. Goddess resurrection. Our Men, our warriors.

Capitalize. Our world, system of hell. Seraphim, Seraphim, put out […]

I can’t do it because if her. Glimpses of pain in her eyes break my heart

…then that’s what they’ll see.
I’ll paint pretty pictures on the walls around me
I’ll always be happy and make it look real.
It’s amazing how well you can hide how you feel.

I wrote that about 27 years ago, and nothing has changed. I still paint on my smile every day before walking out the door. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 10 years old (and perhaps before that as I’m fairly certain I was sexually abused and more than certain I was physically and mentall abused)…never understanding why I feel the way I do, or how everyone else always seems like they’re […]

Hi all.

I am new to this (TSP).

Since yesterday  have been in my room in front of my laptop searching, reading, and hoping. Wanting more than anything to find the solution to what I have always wanted: to die. For a few hours I thought I had found the way out. Twelve hours later, more reading and planning shattered my plans. I thought that finally I would have a successful suicide. Now I am desperate and frantically searching for another way to end my life.

As I write this, I am looking at my cat explore my desk. She makes me smile. She may be the only […]

1. They cannot create a company like everyone else( Steve jobs, elon musk, warren buffett, bill gates..)

2. They cannot invent a breakthrough for human race( tesla, edison,steve woz,..)

3. They may write a book but never sold to one million people

4. They can’t even dared to suicide

all they can do-daily job(9 to 5)

If someone ask them “why are you action handicapped?”
they keep saying bullshit stories like my target is love, making friends
serving people, life priorities, i dint born talented…endless stories to finish their quota of 80 years life somehow.

I never have been in this frame of mind. Where everything means nothing. I was a happy child. A good student. A great mother and then I was struck with a debilitating illness. My life was heavenly and now it’s beyond hell. I am limited to doing nothing because I am so ill. Is laying in bed by the force of this disease, day by day, minute by minute living. I have had enough of this suffering. It is beyond cruel. To be not aware of this living hell is my only hope. It’s closer than I think.

I’m so tired, and just kind of want to die. I just feel so sad. I was thinking about just popping about 100 ibuprofen, and then maybe slitting my wrists over and over and over again. Maybe I will? Maybe I won’t?
I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do anymore.
I don’t want my girlfriend to be my girlfriend anymore.
I don’t want my friends to be my friends anymore.
I do NOT want my parents to be my parents anymore.
They accuse me of self harming, although all I have is scars.
They tell me they want me to, go to some […]

Entry one:

Hello there…

This is the first time I am posting (or posting at all about anything before) about something like this but I think it is important to see if someone actually cares. Don’t try to remember my name or even ask for it, I don’t want you to do that and I hope that you could come to understand me than turn me away like the rest of them. I’ll try to write every briefly, so here it goes:

Suicide comes and goes from my mind everyday and I’ve really tried my best to figure out what’s wrong with me so I could fix it […]

Out of time
All out of fight
You are the only thing in life that I’ve got right.

Damn, now where can I purged.

Asking for a child, for in the name of the god.

Seeking. Abyssal lost. One in a billion.

All I can do. Nothing I can do. So just do it.

But what to do, like the meaning of my name.

The protector of the sun.

Tamed in abyssal, the Titans.

We the Humans, now like the ants.

Every hit. Every line. Beautiful music.

The melody, and the chain. Devil helds you by the iron ball.

I am a fucked up puppet, my true self, has never been shown.

The masquerade, the façade, the charade, what was the last one….

Hades, sitting in the shade. The shadow. Beast Vs. Kid Death.

Wow. Down, getting […]

If you read my last post you’d understand.. I just can’t do anything right. Ever since I let my weed dealer drive my car without a license and wreck my life has been havoc. He got 6 months jail, but my 7 grand is gone.. My parents are so disappointed with me. My day consists of waking up for school, having dad take me, being forced to go to my parents friends house till 9PM every night basically as a sitter till my dad gets out of class. The car ride home is 25 minutes and all we do is fight and he tells me […]

This is one of those night I strated to think about future. What is ahead of me? I ended up thinkinging about hope. What is hope?

It means so many different things to so many people. For some people it’s about getting food to stay alive. For some people it’s about getting alive to a school or to a scrocery store. For some it means about getting through the everyday life, even you have everything you need. I’m one of the persons in the last group.

I have a family. Beatyfull and smart wife, two awesome boys. I love my family more than life itself.  I have […]

do you think human life has meaning?

I’m thinking of stopping my anti-depressants cold turkey. I’m tired of the numbness. I want to feel what I’m supposed to feel without any masking by the meds.

Just looking for other people’s experiences. Was withdrawal really that bad? If in a couple weeks, I go back on the meds, will the withdrawal go away immediately, or in a few days?

I’m on 200mg of sertraline. Capsules. Can’t really taper them.

a few weeks ago. a new girl joined my school.

dang that girl. the only person i know that can give you the evil eye. ( without actualy giving you the evil eye) and when she gives you the evil eye. you feel like your being sent to hell ( mind the language).
but yet i still find myself atracted to her.
she hates my guts. 😀 she hates my with a pasion :-D. but still haha

you get what i mean RIGHT im not going crazy AM I? IF I AM. then yea im crazy lol

the only memories I have of my childhood are of my father, telling me how worthless I am, calling me horrible names when I was so young. I was 16 when I was finally allowed to make the choice to never see him again, up until then court orders had me there. I was mentally and even physically abused for what should have been my childhood. When someone tells you something so often for so long you really start to believe them “maybe I will never mean anything to anyone, not even my own father loves me” I tried so hard for so long to […]