today i sat on my bed with 205 pills lying in front of me. all a combination of my daily meds. i figured if i took them all i’d probably die. i thought about which would be the easiest to swallow first. i sat for about 30 minutes with my death centimeters away. there were so many thoughts going through my head but one that kept repeating was “you wont fucking do it.” I figured there was a slight chance i could make it but i knew i’d have to get my stomach pumped. so i went on google to see how long i’d be hospitalized and i seen a story about this one girl who stayed in the hospital 6 weeks after overdosing on pills. i knew i couldn’t risk it with graduation a few weeks away not only that but was scared. i know how stupid right i want to kill myself but i’m too fucking scared. but then i stumbled across this site and read a few of the stories on here. i found myself making an account so that i can comment on a post about how they should give their life a chance. but any way i told myself i’ll do it after graduation partially because i know i won’t.
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3 comments
Having your stomach pumped is no fun. It was so painful when I woke up. Not to mention all the time in hospital surrounded by stupid doctors who don’t understand anything and really make things worse by reminding you all the time that you have to accept reality (basically implying they don’t care if my reality sucks, I still have to accept it.)
I was considering the helium hood today but apart from the fact that I don’t know where to get the stuff I read in the Wikipedia that if they save you you can be brain-damaged for the rest of your life. This is a terrifying thought of course.
PS: Maybe after graduation you will find a job you like or find new reasons to live?
It’s not just quantity in an overdose, but quality. Most pills are not fatal, even in large doses. They do have the potential to make you very sick/permanently disabled. I unfortunately overdosed on a large quantity of Tylenol when I was a young, unknowing teenager and had to deal with the charcoal and disgusting antidote through a nasal tube and a few days in the ICU complete with a catheter and the threat of permanent liver damage. Then there was the psych hospital. Being young, it wasn’t so bad. It helped me at that age. You seem to have that ambivalence which holds so many of us. If you’re looking for help, get it. You don’t need the overdose and risk of permanent disability to let them know. If you are seeking the end, do some research first.
Pills don’t work. This Feb I’ve tried take more than 300 pills (prescription ones, sleeping pills and antidepressants combination) it took about 3months to collect them. Those pills were quite strong and were probably fatal dose. I took all of the pills and fell asleep. I was unconscious for 3days. Unfortunately my mum found me and took me to hospital. I woke up in hospital bed, got pneumonia because of overdosing. I spent more than 2weeks in hospital. It was bad experience and painful.
I think I have become resistant to med. I’ve been taking antidepressant for 6years…. Since I was 19.
Anyways I’m trying to find another method these days. I hope I could succeed this time 🙂