I have started this post a number of times and always find myself deleting everything. My words speak a story that sounds like a pathetic, whiny, “look at me” tale, however, that is not my intention. I simply want to be able to say what I need to say and say it in a way that is an accurate depiction of my thoughts and feelings without someone interrupting me or yelling at me saying, “Everythings going to be ok!” or “Why are you complaining so much?” If I have found myself here, obviously, everything is not ok. If I am complaining, then so be it. […]
I’ve been depressed ever since I was a kid, and I have a family history of suicide, depression, bipolar disorder, and mental breakdowns (although fortunately, no schizophrenia). I’ve just recently graduated from college and have been in the “working world” for two years.
A few things I’ve learned in my 25 years of living:
No one truly has your interests at heart but you, so “look out for number one”. Just plan on other people letting you down, because they always will.
Most people are incredibly stupid, have half-thought out opinions, are irredeemably wrong about just about everything, have no interest in discovering/creating a consistent worldview/weltanschauung, and are […]
My Mom’s been dead for almost 5 years this August (heart attack at 53), my Dad’s dead too (Cancer at 56). I’m 34, my birthday is 10 days after Mother’s day. I don’t have anyone from my family left that i care about, but I’m worried about leaving my partner behind, we’ve been together 11 years and i don’t know if he could care for himself. I’ve been thinking about slowly splitting up with him so i could kill myself a while after without worrying about his well being.
Just wish i could get him away, and some where he’ll be ok with out me, […]
I have now concluded the first chapter of my short, indecisive life. The gates to all the winding paths, that had once been closed off to me, have been destroyed and now just their ruins remain isolated in my memory.
Only my body has the power and strength to take me where I am destined to travel. My mind is forbidden to make any more choices. I will not let myself depend on anything but the simplicities of life and the natural beauty of the untouched and untainted wonders.
I now walk whatever path I happen to find myself on, without any pretentious guidance and […]
I’ve never understood the point of this life. When I ask people they often say, “Well, you graduate from college, get a job and start a family.” My only answer is, “And?” What comes after having a family and everything else you’ve worked so hard to obtain?
Death.
If in the end, no matter what we do, we all die, then what is the point of living? For those who believe in afterlife or a heaven after we die maybe life has a meaning. But to someone who doesn’t believe in anything, what’s the point? There are more than 7.046Â billion people on earth. Millions of people are […]
I love this song. I wonder who’s talking though.
i know i ve vowed never to come back here but here i am. i feel so empty. i just dont have anything to live for and i ve got great expectations. but this feelings is rendering me useless. cus anytime i actually impress myself with something, its always not good enough for them. they feel i could do better so they conden my every efforts. but how am i going to do better when i always feeling useless.
Sleeping is awesome.Waking up and realizing how much does this world suck is what I don’t like.If death is like eternal sleep then I have nothing to fear but I still am very scared.Fear of death is probably the only reason why I didn’t kill myself.
I thought I had life figured out, but I don’t. I’m so tired of people telling me that getting good grades or graduating from college takes away the pain of empty or loneliness; it doesn’t. I’ve graduated twice now and I can’t feel happy and it doesn’t bring me joy. I used to have this awesome imagination and I used to believe that anything was possible, but the devil has taken that away from me. And yes I believe in God, I always have. I know he is powerful and mighty and I know he is working for someone, but the devil has definitely kept […]
what the fuck? chemicals affect behavior? no fucking way, the data is wrong, the scientists are stupid. look, here is the truth: what do BABIES do? fucking nothing. then when they hurt, they start crying screaming hellfire torture. they don’t DO anything, except scream when they hurt. babies KNOW the TRUTH. everything you do is LEARNED, it is sensed through PERCEPTION. a blind baby cannot see, so they CANNOT perceive things through eyes, so functionally sight is a LIE to them. they are TOLD that others can see, they have NO WAY of knowing except for your words to them. everything is LEARNED, everything is […]
Following my 3rd suicide attempt, a couple of years ago now, I was asked to take part in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through my doctor’s surgery. I’d never heard of it and to be perfectly honest, at that time I was so far down into not caring that I suddenly found myself being an outpatient at Positive Steps.
During the early days, I was sure that it was going to be such a waste of time given that they could only offer me 20 sessions at the maximum and come on, I had had 20+ years of slowing being consumed by the negative impact my disability had […]
I’ve been waiting for years, for just a little bit of peace in my life. I have been trying to find my way, to make different decisions to help better my life. I have cut out a lot of negative people from my life, and despite having done that I’m still not happy not even a little. It feels like I’m in some sort of in between, sometimes I look up and see my life and wonder how I got here. I started crying again because I just don’t understand why I can’t find peace. I can’t stop loving or missing people from my past, […]
Every morning I wake up and it’s the same: I’m still alive. Sometime I wake up and cry, other times I sit up and hold in the pain afraid my mother or brother will notice it. Some days I don’t get up. I skip school and lie in bed looking at the ceiling or sleeping, trying to escape reality. I hear as my mother walks into my room and asks worriedly if I think it’s normal to stay in bed all day and all I can do is nod. I don’t have the strength to get out of bed and face life. All I can […]
is my mothers birthday and the anniversary of my fathers death. I haven’t said happy birthday to my mother in 7 years. It is not a joyous day, so I don’t think there is any point in saying it. It makes me feel horrible but I literally can’t find it in me to say it. And Mother’s Day is not too far behind. Worst daughter of the year.
Here I am again. Missing you, my love. I read the posts here and I think of you. I never thought for a minute that you would take your own life. You were strong, you taught me so much and you didn’t even know it. I always wished you could have seen yourself the way I saw you. I still love you with all my heart baby.
I am invisible. Always. What’s ironic is when I was younger I thought it would be great to be. Now I am. I get forgotten when I’m in the same room. Waiters and waitresses have forgotten me. I regularly get asked when or how I got there. I wonder how many would notice did I simply never showed up again.
What if I don’t want to move on anymore?
What if I feel so done with this world and life?
What if I dread waking up every morning?
What if I feel disappointed that I hadn’t died?
What if I am so hurt in this life that I can’t be fixed?
I can’t live like this anymore.
I’m so close to death.
I haven’t felt loved in months.
I have felt hated.
I’ve been hurt so much.
The young girl that was once inside of me
The young girl that was filled with hope
Filled with love and joy
The little girl that had a beautiful imagination
I cannot understand a world that makes children feel like they need to end their own lives to stop the pain. I cannot understand how parents fail to take the time to give a shit about what their kids are going through, or worse, torment them, abuse them, and belittle them! I cannot understand people who put down others in an attempt to make themselves feel better. I cannot understand a fucking thing!
T if you are still here please check your email and call me. Please let me know you are safe.
I’m new to SP and I have no idea where to start. I’ve done so many stupid things in the past. I read posts and I relate to almost all of them. I feel as if I understand you and I know you. I am always depressed, I have no idea what goes on my life anymore. I can’t find joy in the things I once loved to do. All I do is think about how useless I am, how depressed I am all the time, how my parents tell me crap all the time, I have no friends at all, seriously, and my boyfriend […]
I think today should be today. I’ve got nothing left.