I prefer knives.

So, it’s back. 8 yrs of pain. 4 years clean. 389 or something cuts. More are being added. It’s back. And it’s prolly gonna stay for equity a while.

Why? I had 6 people to go to.

1. Samantha. She is too busy with her life to bother with a cutters issues.

2. Rachael. She hardens me because a douchbag (the one that causes painful reminders) spread stuff around, and made her believe i am a liar.

3. Jessica. Hardly see her, and she’s too worn out to even notice my presence.

4. Brody. I see him in the day. But once schools out. . .

5. Josh. He has begun […]

They tell me to ‘stay strong’ and they tell me that things get better but do they really? I’ve been told this saying for 4 years now and nothing has gotten any better for me. In those 4 years my dad left over summer and while he was gone he cheated on my mom. He’s back now. Shorty after my mom got rid of my two dogs that I loved so much because she said that I “didn’t care about them” well I did. I cried for days thinking about them. Then about a year after that bullying got bad for me, it was the worst year of my […]

For every broken Angel of Darkness, there is a Knight of Shadows, who have the same or similar pain. Sometimes they don’t. The Knights are supposed to protect the Angel from others and themselves. They can’t all the time, but they still try.

A problem with being a Knight, like me, is that we are so busy protecting our Angels, that we don’t protect ourselves. We don’t have Knighta to rely on, so we slowly fall apart. Sometimes the Angel is the Knight. I do not have a personal Angel, and my Knight barely looks at me anymore. I guess my job is done, but it […]

So i get blamed for everything when it comes around my friends. They fight they put me in the middle they stop talking “omg its all your fault you shouldnt even got in it the first place” um excuse you ***** youre the one putting me in the middle of this shit so how about you fuck off you fucking ****. Relationship ends they tell me to help them cause they dont what to do i tell them straight up facts of why it didnt work “omg youre not even helping dont even try anymore okay even if i listen itll end and its going […]

I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide because the medical community can’t tell me why I’m in pain or how to fix my pain. However, they won’t prescribe me medication to deal with the pain because I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide. The never ending cycle of “screw me,” continues.

I’ve finally decided life isn’t worth living anymore, and that I’m going to end it all. I really have no family, no friends and no purpose. I am the scum of society. I just want the pain to end. I’ve been consistently unhappy since I was 12 and lately I’ve just gotten worse. I don’t want to talk to or be around anyone. I can’t even think or interact because I’m in a constant fog. I’m quiet and I didn’t used to be. I’m having no creative output. I’m worthless. I guess maybe this is a last ditch effort to have someone actually care about […]

Things are fine until you fucking bring it up. Don’t want me to die in the house? Fine. I’ll go somewhere else then.

When one looks at them selves in the mirror, what are they really looking at? Their true selves? Or an Idea of ones self? I have been looking At an idea of myself my entire life. Holding myself on a pedastool, thinking that I am a genuine person with no flaws. But living a lie is what has caused my pain. What I am always looking at is different to another s eye. Over the last few months I have been trying to understand the bad, all the flaws that de-beautify my self image. Yeah looking at the ugly can disgust ones self, but its […]

I do not know where to start.
my soul is like a single dark room. How can I escape this pain?
it empties all of the energy and desire to live. I do not know why everything in my life to be so negative? it’s like a tunnel with no light just me and myself, with no way to change, only a single path. in between I see a faint light shining faintly, only to discover that it is just a small crack in the wall before the track goes straight into the deep dark.

Is suicide the only resolution?? I have endured this pain for […]

I have been fighting depression for 3 years now. I have made attempts, but always failed. My doctor claims I am a walking miracle. But I truly don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to die I know in my heart I truly don’t. I just cant shake this feeling of despair. Like I cant ever be happy, Ive been trying for 3 years! sometimes Its hard to convince myself that I’m stronger than suicide. And Lately, Its been more of a challenge. I want to get better, not waste away in the dirt. Ive sought help, but I feel almost worse about […]

Oh my god, I really do not want to go to work today. today is just one of those days I just wanna sleep and do nothing else. Unfortunately I have to go in and put a smile on, when all I want is cry. I would like to call in sick but that’s against my values (one of the few ones that I have. Time to pull myself together and run the mf show

Once again… I feel like pushing people away. Fought with myself a few times recently… I tend to forget, but when I do remember, its hell for me. I am terrified of that same feeling. Having others makes promises that I might actually break it. Just for there best. Just to protect them. I can’t do this anymore. I’m suffering even more. It feels like everything was just a waste of time. Like a pathetic dream that never occurred. But it did happen.

Everything good always dies. And I really despise that feeling.

Its not so much that i cant, its that theres no reason too. I have no friends or anyone who cares to see me. Whats the point? I have nothing. I dont know how I let it get like this. without someone to share this life with, i will surely wither and die in this bed.

Anxiety. Depression. Panic Attacks. Two years ago I fell into a deep, deep depression where I could think about nothing but ending it. That’s what I wanted most. I lost ALL of my friends by pushing them away with my constant depression and negativity. Things started getting better, or so I thought. Maybe I was just too busy to notice my anxiety. Maybe it never went away. All I know is when my panic attacks start back up, they are getting more and more intense. Much worse than in the past. At least then I had more self control to try to keep busy and […]

have you ever had that one fear that you couldn’t get rid of and it keeps eating away at u until finally there is nothing left of u, nothing but an empty shell? it sucks. it really does. or when u say ur fine but deep down inside u know ur not. and that soon something is going to put u over the edge. and ur gone. u enter the void.

Today is a bad day for some reason. Nothing happened. It’s just the depression is really hitting me today. I’m sitting here at work, bored out of my mind, which means my mind wanders, and I just want to go home and sleep. My body is so tired.

I don’t know what to write about. I was thinking about discussing depression. What is it? But I can’t think straight today.

I should go to the grocery store tonight. But I know when I get home I won’t. I’ll put it off for tomorrow. And when I’m lying around home tonight wondering why I have no food […]

well damn everything is falling in place now. i had some really bad troubles with ppl. and life and things have been really hard for me lately. to where i thought i really had no part in this world. but im moving i have a new guy im talking to and having fun with friends and stuff. life just threw me a curve ball. but it got back straight.

Most mornings I wake up wondering why Im still alive. I hate life, there are good, even great things in my life, but they don’t make me happy.  The people I love or like to hang out with and the things I like to do only make me comfortable for a bit, even a couple of days, but the desire to die always come back and it is getting stronger by the second. I just never understood whats the point of life. Work and have kids???? that doesn’t sound very appealing to me. I work and go to school, but I would just love to stay […]

People know I am in pain but they don’t care to help me. They just pretend nothing is wrong. I feel invisible. Cutting seems the only way to ease the pain. Attempting it has been on my mind for years. My parents don’t give a damn about me. They don’t seem to care. I look out the window as we drove down the road and wondered what if that was me. On the side there they lay. Upon them they have others eating and nipping at them. I wish it was me laying on the side of the road. Wish they could change places with […]