Today I started to cut. It feels like the right thing to do. I was going to do it on my arms but I decided to do it on my hip instead. The pain is bad but the cuts are good, though I feel like a mess. I keep shaking every time it think about self harm, it’s like the shakes you have when you’re cold, they’re hard to stop. My hip is badly hurting now. I’ve had racial comments made at me today. Some by my “friends’” boyfriend, but her and all her friends that were supposed to me my friends are sticking up […]

have a nice social buzz going what better time to reach out? today is an anniversary of sorts for me. one  year ago today i got felt up by a cop in front of an office full of people. checking for the gun i had recently purchased.  in  my state i had to wait 3 days to get it.  so therefore i didn’t have it yet. the whole incident was traumatizing. and in after thought was a mistake. should have learned to keep my mouth shut. i really don’t know what i was hoping to accomplish. my stay at the nut hut was a waste […]

Time is ticking away on my deadline because I’m going damn near insane. Yet I make every excuse to stick around and to hope for things to get better. What a fucking waste. I’m at a point where I satisfied with dying. I still don’t feel like I don’t have much to live for and I’m wasting away (it feels like it). I can sense the slight frustration my mom is having with my unemployment (it’s been a ***** to find a job). Two degrees + debt = biggest waste and regret of my fucking life. I understand her in everyway. I turned and looked […]

This is my first ‘story’ on here, and quite frankly I don’t really get how to navigate this whole thing.

But that’s not what I’m on here to talk about.

Nobody in my family that is close to me has died. I mean, my great aunt and my mom’s cousin’s dad died, but nothing effecting me too much. I’m not poor, my parent’s aren’t divorced, and I have a relatively happy and functional family.

If your still reading this, and you haven’t clicked out because it looks like im trying to brag about what i have, thanks. Because I’m not bragging.

I want to die. See now, that’s the […]

Everything I do is wrong

I, my life perspective is “bad”
I befriend “bad” people
I listen to “bad” music

I do things “wrong”
I dress “wrong”
I talk “wrong”

Everything I do is wrong

The way how I live is wrong
The way how I care for people is wrong
The way how I worry about people is wrong

Why?
Why is it wrong?
Why can people not accept that who I am is who I am?

Everything I do is wrong

I am a mistake
I am not supposed to live
I am not supposed to be here

I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Some call it a phase of life, others just a small crisis.

But I don’t know and I actually dont care.

I feel empty. Nothing excites me. I don’t have goals and no matter how much I search, I just feel that I will be put down.

Everything I do is put down. I got support, but what does that count? They wont be there forever.

I wonder, why was I born? I feel empty. Don’t feel joy actually and just waste my life.

I tried many times to kill myself, stabbing, hanging, drowning and even throw myself infront of a train or […]

what do i do? do i give up? do i stay? why am i here? i need help. nobody listens. im so close. im completely ready. im going to end. but when/

the life in me has gone

everything was wrong

in my life i had no sympathy

my life was full of tragedy

everything i knew and love

disappeared with a knife and a shove

i see the darkness closing in

in my mind all i knew was sin

i fucked up everything

i gave in

death is what i  start

cause everything fell apart

i get high

i want to die

let me be

so i’ll be free

my life’s a rut

i always cut

i can’t escape it

so i fake it

the people won

now i’m done

I saw a therapist yesterday, to try to deal with my “issues”.
I’ve decided to cancel future appointments because I just don’t see a point.
He asked me what my goals were, what I wanted from life, paint the ideal me.
There was nothing at all. No goals, no dreams, no wants, no future, no hope, no me.
Without something to aim for, I don’t see the point of going through this.
I guess in my remaining time I will see if I can find a reason.
But once the two people I can’t hurt are gone, I know I won’t be far behind.
 

How do you know who are your true friends and who’s not?

Right time period for suicide is before my parents die

At least I will be sure that someone is there to cry and finish the formalities. Except that, I see zero benefits of living life.

life : 1 to 15 —-&—- 15 to 30 —-&——- 30 to *

1 to 15 years: beneficiaries are parents (enjoy the kids innocence, dominate them in the name of guiding them, abuse them, teach them carp)

15 to 30 years: beneficiary is rest of the world. World baits them with money & fame.

Let them work very hard to innovate, create a company or new product or work hard in a company.

In reality with […]

Last week was particularly bad, and I had repeated thoughts about suicide–after many months of not having those thoughts.

Then on Sunday I was much better.  I gave my oldest daughter a special gift.  I had my Rolex readjusted so that it fit her.   I got so much joy watching her wear it.  I’ve always told her that she could have it as an heirloom when I died, but I wanted the chance to watch her enjoy it.  I was so happy about giving it to her.  Yesterday, I was in a board meeting for a charity I serve on and got two nice compliments. […]

Let It Go

Let her go

Let me go…

numb

is how i feel

broken

is what i am

pained

is how i am

lonely

is what i feel

LetItGo

is who i am

i dont know
what to say
the blinking cursor
is taunting me
its a blank page
a brand new post
what do i write?
do i write how i am?
do i write how you are?
do i write whatever?
i dont know really
i guess my message
for today,
that is within this poem
is;
im going to stop posting.
i cant take it
i have made more people
worry about me
more people think i matter
more people care about me
more people to bring pain to
when i say my final Au Revoir
its hurting me too

I’m 16 from a supportive family. I have a Girlfriend that treats me well and I have solid friends. But I can’t seem to take happiness from anything. I’ve planned everything to just give up and leave but I can never seem to take the last step, I really just want all of this to go away but I’ve tried everything, im ready to go, and im just looking for that one little push to tell me its time

Mine’s taken off a Metallica song.

Pick the door that looks the most appealing to you!

1 – You are a fun individual that likes to keep things light and airy. You are all about nurturing others and appreciating the simple luxuries in life; such as your fine dishware, favorite candle or eating artisan bread from the local bakery. You most likely have a love for traveling and other cultures. You truly want the best for everyone and love creating a welcoming atmosphere. It is important to remember that if […]