Counting down the days until I can finally stop the pills call. Stop the blood from rushing from the slices on my body. Stop my heart from pumping. I am done I will walk hand in hand with those pills until they take me to where I need to go.

Sadness suddenly appears 
It knows it is one of my worst fears
The darkness is where it makes its attack
So why do I feel so safe in the haunting pitch black? 

We both know it will win the fight 
We both know I’ll end up sad tonight 
I beg it to leave me alone but it doesn’t want to be kind
It pounces on my vulnerability and destroys my state of mind
 
I fight even harder but I know it’s not going away  
It is extremely hungry tonight and I’m it’s only prey
Its stronger than me and begins to  obtain total control 
Sadness is […]

I have a daughter…her mother taken from me..unwilling to convince myself that the intellectual ability i have in greater than the pain i go through. I feel fine for days and days..then out of nowhere…the pain that i won’t be able to be able to be the father i need to be, the liberty i should have been. The brother..son..uncle..it no longer registers that i have anyone left to help me…I’m stuck in never ending pain of failure..heartbreak..no love..nothing of the brighter side of emotions. I’m useless in life..I’ve always been a good person. But i feel the emotions giving everything they have and pushing […]

Well, I’ll try to keep it short. According to what I planned, I should have died the past October 22th. However, despite having overcome guilt and pain, I just could not make myself to do it. I was shocked. I planned it well in advance and I had no remorse whatsoever.

After my failure I was deeply disappointed with myself. I thought I had no option but to wait for a natural disaster, a traffic collision, a civil war or an illness to kill me. I was also very embarrassed for not having the guts required to catch the bus.

However, today I realized what was my […]

sometimes i just get so fucking depressed.. and think all these negative and suicidal thoughts.. never really knowing why.. and also never actually realizing i am depressed.. until the next day i’m like hey wtf was that the other day..

kind of makes it hard to move along in your life when you’re like this..

i guess this mental illness thing is really real.. i don’t know i think it’s better to come to terms with it.. accept it.. and not blame yourself for it.. and just live your life knowing that it’s there…….. be a bit sympathetic to yourself for it..

i’m growing up a bit in […]

I still feel this way.

I am always speechless. I have no words. Finally I’ve found some and I’m ready to put them together. I’m going to write how I feel. Let’s hope it makes sense. 

I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t. Just building up all my emotions, and giving them no escape. 

I’ve always been happy. Since when wasn’t I happy? I can’t remember why I became sad. I honestly can’t remember when or even why. I just did. I just had enough, you know. Like a balloon that pops. Eventually it cant take all that air anymore and so it pops. Well that was me. I just popped. […]

I’ve never been able to understand why I should feel this way. Why I should feel I have to give so much of myself to others when the only thing I ever get in return is a scathing comment, an angry look, a sullen silence. They act like they are offended when I try to do good for another, and spit upon my offering. At this point, so much of me is gone that I don’t even feel real anymore. I can’t feel anymore. All the things that used to give me joy now stare mockingly back at me. Why have I given myself away like […]

Someone shared this quote with me:

“You will find true happiness in life when you realize it only takes ‘you’ to be happy.  True happiness lies within yourself, it doesn’t come from others.”

For me, I can’t be happy within myself.  Maybe those of us who are suicidal and ready to end things feel the same way.  I’ve had to rely on others for glimpses of feeling happy.

My last two friends keep telling me I need to learn to love myself.  I hate when they say that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others because I know how to give love…I just […]

“Dying is an art.
Like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I have a call.”
― Sylvia Plath

.. which is a very effective detterent because I do not want to be responsible for the death of a family member and then my brother would be an orphan.

I am a 22 year old Distinction average student with several awards etc but that’s about the only thing I can say for myself and that ain’t much – anyone who puts effort can write essays , (and it is only a B.A., even if at a “renowned” uni that I got a scholarship in) which basically contributes no new knowledge to society. In spite of my grades I will never get a job because I […]

I am really feeling happy to find this site where i can share my pain which is turning in cancer may be sharing this pain make me feel relief because we all are suffering and fucked up by time and condition. Life  and time can take us everything from us but can’t take our feeling, imagination and dreams may be we are fully broken but i will not give up until i am not dead. Life is not fair game you may lose no matter how best u are.

this is probably one of the biggest step that i will be taking. In 24 hours, discogirl will be a name that will be free for use.

no this is not a form of hiatus. this is a permanent movement.

in time (if there is any) the heart will forget.

I am never meant to stay in this site or even in any of those chats.

but i learned that it wasnt a bad thing. there were real people in those chats. people who will genuinely listen to your nonsense and heartaches.

however things inevitably turned unpleasant.

enough to push me away.

enough for me push people away.

a defense mechanism of sort […]

I can wish for happiness. The kind where everything will be all right; where all the pain in the world is no more; where bliss is not a dream, but a reality. I can wish for happiness but I know it will never succeed. There is no conceivable possibility that it will come true so why waste it on something so unrealistic.
I can wish for death. The kind where I go to sleep and never wake up again; where I can enter darkness and everything is just nothingness; where my comfort lies. I can wish for death and I know it would come true. […]

This is my first time posting here. I’ve been to this site a lot. I’m not even sure if I should post or if it will help. I don’t think this is a plea for help. Maybe just an outlet for stuff I can’t say to anyone I know.

For about a year now I’ve struggled with self-diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder. And I’m pretty much done. Before July I was coping well enough with it. But immediately after July 27th, after a great week with friends at this church campground in Macon GA,  things started going downhill. And at the end of August I kinda fell […]

I’m not always like this. It’s like lately there’s a leech demon always at my side. Destroying every small moment of happiness I can muster. I wake up with scratches on my body. There is no way this could happen. I have no fingernails. I chew the shit out of them. I’m wondering if some of those crazy people I thought were delusional religious fanatics might be right about a few things. I really don’t know why I post here. It’s not gonna help me. I do have a lot in common with many of you. I am very smart but my words and thoughts […]

So this is my first post on this board. I’ll start by stating that I am not going to even edit this. I’m just going to speak straight from my extremely damaged heart. I often wonder, how many of you are like me? I mean I’m here because yeah, I have thought about suicide. I continue contemplating it.

Why is it that “good people” want to take their own lives? And why is it that society and others are so quick to judge those who have attempted or do commit suicide? Don’t they understand the amount of pain and torment one goes through for them […]

“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.”
– Gandhi

See why I don’t cut. See the only thing that stops me. See my expectations, my reputations.

Nothing traumatic has happened in my life. I don’t plan on comparing my story to anyone else’s. Because I am nothing, just like my story. All I know is I have limited friends, none of which are very close to me. I have a terrible relationships with my family, which consists of my mom, dad, and sisters. I just went through a breakup. Typical teenage worries. What’s not so typical is my feeling of emptiness. There are some days that I feel nothing. There are some days that I’m angry for no reason, or some days I’m un-explainably happy about everything. Some days, I want […]