I have tried, I have failed.

Worthless.I will never be the same, not in your eyes.

You are… were.. all that I cared about… and here we are…

It was supposed to be easier. What happened to me. Why cant I do it as easily as it used to be.

Why me. Why cant we work things out.

Why does it hurt more than ever before.

I was thinking about the other night,  “Why did anything change”, and I realised how it changed, I grew up and went into high school I thought it would be something I would love to be at but, to be honest, I didn’t think it’d be this hard. This hard to get up every morning and knowing something bad will happen, and most of the time I’m right. It sucks having to walk down those crowded hallways realising you’re different from everyone else because of your past, because of what you’ve done to yourself and what people think about you. Most of the things people […]

I see the word “love”

and I feel nothing

beautiful words and letters

and I feel nothing

I used to feel the flutter

the stutter

the rhythmic beat pumping in my chest

every time i even heard your name

because to me,

you were love.

Now all I feel is an empty void

I shutter

my heart beat is constant

I flinch at the thought of you

now you are the very opposite of “love”

I once lived because of you,

Now I am dead, because of you.

Dont judge me for what I’m about to say but
If God can tell the future and he knew I would
Kill myself and do all these sins. Why would he make
Me?
Im a disgrace
Im not good enough
Im nothing.
No body cares and nobody will be and I’m
Ashamed because I’m sad and I cut and
Not anyone is there to save me
Its like I’m falling in an endless pit and someone
Pushed me but they all think i slipped and i’m lying
So kill me now before i kill my damn self.

Dear Lord, please forgive my sins.  Please forgive me for not cherishing my life. I am in so much emotional pain and I just want it to end. I am so alone And can not bear another day. Please Lord, please take me to heaven tonight. Let me close my eyes and awake to see you face. I am ready. I was born ready. Please Lord, take me to join my family in heaven. Please end my suffering. I don’t have anything or anyone to live for. I am so alone. In Jesus name, amen.

Most people know how to get in touch with me here. If one is available, I do ask for someone now. Someone who will not judge my feelings, but rather, will listen. Advice is not needed, just someone who cares.

How many times has it been, I’ve repeatedly lost myself to the sadness that resides in my heart, an overbearing shadow that slowly consumes my thoughts and steers me towards the wrong path. Well… some would say its pretty simple, count the amount of scars, the amount of battles I’ve fought and lost against my desires. I would say I’ve lost quite a few, surprising to say I somehow haven’t lost the war yet. It wasn’t always like this, I was definitely happy by society’s definition. I had many friends in school and never suffered from any mental illnesses as I grew up. So why […]

Home, it drives me insane I can’t think, or go about my business without someone digging their nose into it. There’s no privacy, not even in my Therapy Journal. When I express my feelings, I get screamed at or told that Im wanted to be beaten to a pulp for being a shit. Or told that I am an embarrassment to my family. When I trap my emotions, I eventually explode becoming very malicious and violent. Then, I get in trouble. I can’t express or trap my thoughts without my family going through it and commenting on everything, they don’t even listen. […]

If people actually loved me like they say they do, they’d let me cut. They’d realize cutting prevents these constant breakdowns I’m having. I can’t deal with my inner turmoil without cutting. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything when I have to stop cutting. Lack of cutting is making me more depressed, sick, and anti social. I no longer care about my life or my future right now.

Hi…im new to this. Im not quite sure of what to say or where to start. I just feel really overwhelmed right now and tried to resist and help myself. Its all so confusing and scary and lonely and I think I need a support structure to feel better and fight for life.

6 months. I was clean for 6 months. Not so much as a scratch on my body and now my arms are covered with my sin. I knew relapse was painful, but never did I realize how bad it truly can be. The disappointment. The shame. The hatred I feel for myself. I came so far…for this? To end up right where I was 6 months ago?….. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss it. Welcome back my old friend. I truly hate you.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING MAD! I’d much rather punch a whole in a fucking wall but I hope posting this will be a less destructive way to let it out. Maybe some of you have heard of the tornado in Illinois that devastated washington and the surrounding area, and even though I’m 900 miles away, it still makes me so goddamn pissed off. I have family and friends back home that are homeless now, and I can do nothing to help. At the same time, my grandpa goes back into the hospital, and I have no idea if he’ll be okay. Powerless over that […]

Im sorry brothers, so sorry lover, forgive me father, i love you mother

I think that it is horrible to run out of tears to shed. At first, I could cry and cry and never run out of tears because the pain was so new and I was so unfamiliar with it. But now, when my parents throw another insult my way – another degrading term in my direction – I can’t help but feel this horrible and dark feeling settling above me.

When you run out of tears, there is no feeling left inside of you. You sit still as insults and yelled and your face is a mask of stone. Cold, indifferent stone. A ball of led sinks in […]

On Tuesday marks one month since my true soulmate took his life. I have been having a very hard time dealing with it as to be expected. His death came by such a surprise as I am sure most suicides usually do. This is all still so new so please forgive me if I sound cynical or even whinny.
I have known this man for over 22 years and we have 2 grown kids together as well as a granddaughter. We separated 8 years ago due to his drug use. I did not want my kids around that behavior. […]

For as long as I can remember I have loved music with all of my heart. It was something I melted into, music was my shoulder to cry on when I was completely alone. But lately my favorite bands such as Marianas Trench ( yes I’m Canadian) just seem so bland and terrible. It all sounds the same and I just can’t take it anymore. This is just another thing reassuring me that I need to end it. I hate everything and everyone around me, my self hatred is just…

One of the things that prevents me from suicide is the fear of rebirth. All those efforts you took to off yourself will go in vain. Lol.

I fit in nowhere, not even here.

I will never have meaningful relationships, or maybe even a half-decent career or job.

A lot of people seem to like me, but nobody loves me. Is it because I’m ugly? Stupid? Indecisive? Depressed? It’s probably all those things. I am truly forever alone, incapable of forming bonds or living a happy and meaningful life. I’m useless.

I lost my best friend. Friday night, through text, my boyfriend dumped me. We’ve been off and on for three years. He told me this August you’re not just another. He lied. To him I was nothing more than another girl to take advantage of, to lie to, and to pretend he wasn’t hurting. I’m worthless and hate myself. Because even though he broke up with me, he blamed it on me like everything else. Someone please offer something…

The voices are back, and oh how I’ve missed them.  It’s nice not being alone.  My mind is racing, and I’m scared.  I think I should go to the hospital.