Average. . .

I’m not the as people would say ‘average’ face of depression. I’m a successful student, cheerleader at a college, have friends (or did) But on this Saturday night I’m doing fine then bam, I’m ‘depressingly bored’ It’s saturday, our football team won the first game of playoff’s woo, I should be out celebrating. I’m not I’m here thinking back to the night I tried to take my life. I’m not so distraught by it anymore. But some times I think why didn’t it happen but bigger question is why did I try? I was talking to my sister the other day about it. I pretty much ruined her life more than my own. She’s all that I’ve got but it goes the other way around. She asked me that why in my note did I not say good bye to her. The best I could say is because saying bye to her was the painful part. I don’t know I’m ranting because I want the stupid bad thoughts to go away.

First post here, If you read, I’m osrry for the boredom. But I read and there are real people out there that don’t do this to themselves. Like “oh I lay awake at 4 am and think.” When it’s real it’s not caused by thought always and it’s not just at night when your alone. This haunts me every day and has for 8 years before I finally gave in. Like what the FUCK, who wants this???