This is the worst part of anything…staying silent, and waiting

I hate it. Hate me. Hate life. Now, ive gone so depressed that its no longer “society”, my parents, friends, etc faults. Its mine. Im a burden. That feeling you get when you realized you got replaced… <<< Ever wonder if youll ever get out of this misery? This is a bunch of randomness I cant even think. Im lonely, sad, mad, hurt. Heck, i have so many problems in my life rn that it seems never ending…

I’ve started drinking. Yeah, not the best thing. My whole life was ruined by alcohol. If my father never drank, we’d still be a family. I wouldn’t be depressed. I’d still have my brother and life would be good and normal.

I don’t know why. I truly don’t. Nothing about drowning my troubles, I don’t think. I’ve always done that by cutting and burning. Something feels different this time. I don’t know what it is. I’ve probably just been listening to too much depressing music. I have no idea. This sudden impulse to drink every night; not even to binge, just to drink. I guess its easier […]

When I was in the fifth grade, I gained a little bit of weight. I wasn’t even fat, just slightly chubby, but I felt huge. My sisters would tease me and call me a beast. This is when I began hating my body and myself. I thought I deserved being teased because I was disgusting. I thought I was ugly and I was ashamed of myself. I remember feeling so uncomfortable. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, I hated shopping for clothes, and I refused to weigh myself when anyone else was around because I was so embarrassed by my weight. I even […]

I am about to commit suicide.  I know it is selfish and cowardly.  I know that others feel that same that I do and I’m not alone.  I know that I have friends.  I know that there are people that love me.  None of that helps.  None of that changes how I feel.

I’m not going to tell you that I’m worthless.  I’m not capable of doing the things that I would like to, but I’m not worthless.

I don’t even want to die.  I cry and beg and say it out loud every day.  Earlier today I was holding my gun and telling myself how much […]

Anyway, i realized they took away my ability to post new posts and shit.  I’m guessing I was posting and no one could read them.  I will keep this short and sweet.  I know many of you used to know me as a preacher and someone who was happy and wanted to help.  FUCK THAT.  This weds, I’m catching a bus via H2S.  If anyone is in the area of NY and wants a ride, let me know.  If you think I’m bullshitting check the news wed and thurs.  I bet somewhere will be a mention of a “detergent suicide” which is really just Lime […]

This is my first post. I am 15, and always feel like I cannot escape the pain within my life. I have been raped, lost my grandmother, my father left me, I moved, I have been bullied since 5, very few friends, harassed, abandoned, misunderstood, and much more. I put myself before others more so than anything else, and I cannot bare to do otherwise. But I get hurt for doing such a thing. I support self defense, and I would do so if required, and sometimes I do want to, but I cannot think of myself doing such things to someone.

What did I do […]

I know, I’m going to sound dramatic, like a stereotypical teenage girl, but I just want to let it out. So, my story starts here with a girl named April.

There’s this girl I like, April, and she lives in Newfoundland which is far away from where I live. We met online, talking and just being silly. She made me happy again, I believed she had saved me from slipping back into depression. A month ago, she told me that had liked me and my goodness, I felt like I was on top of the world, the girl I had been crushing on actually liked me […]

I don’t know how much longer I can take this.  I with my cancer and every thing else that’s going on I just want to end it all.

 

What should I do? I need help please tell me what to do.

Okay… where do I begin?… In kindergarten there was this nerdy girl in class who all kids made bullying to her, she didn’t have any friends, not even a single boy or girl who accepted her on their table to lend their colors, no, nothing, she was smart and nice, but she cried a lot. One day, this little girl named Diana appeared and helped this nerdy girl, she was a sweetie, the most incredible girl ever. Diana was so so nice to the girl, they became friends.
Years later, that nerdy girl was on elementary school in 4th grade and by coincidence she met […]

As I sit here reading everybody’s post about going to homecoming and seeing them dressed up I want so badly to go, and to have someone to go with. Since I was 15 and started high school I have always had a problem with getting close to people because all my friends were dying. They have all died in car wrecks. One of my best friends just passed away recently and she had just told me the day before that she was pregnant. It feels like life is just tearing me down little by little. Now I’m the new girl. Tried having a fresh start […]

I’ve never had a particularly easy life. Up until about year 10 I didn’t really have any friends, and was bullied a lot. I contemplated suicide a lot back then. After that, things started to get a little better. I thought my life was starting to improve, things were finally the way I wanted them. I had (admittedly not many) friends, and the bullying had for the most part stopped. I was bright, I had friends, things were looking good.

My home life had never been too easy either, my parents had been VERY strict up until I was about 14, basically sheilding me from the […]

Samhain (Halloween) is in a few days. As a pagan, I celebrate it as the night when I am closest to being able to communicate with those who have gone before me.  I am so hoping to be able to talk to my grandmother. She is the only person who ever “got me” in this world.She has been gone 19 years and not a day goes by that  don’t miss her so much.

I have always understood that on Samhain, you grieve what you have lost (particularly in the past year) and then celebrate the new. But I am so full of grief I can’t see […]

i feel like i post everything down. what does it matter, who cares, why care. i feel the urge to expose out what i’m holding back… what i’m holding back since the beginning. what is it? what has made my life heavy. writing is such a slow process, it cannot catch up with thoughts. all the emotions were gone in the very first line and now i’m just deadly repeating out of memory. i feel the need to speak. maybe like that girl who made a video on youtube. but i don’t think that will do either, i have tried such things earlier…i become completely […]

It’s getting so much harder to put a smile on my face. I can’t do it anymore. I used to be so good at faking and acting, what the hell happened? Things have been getting so much worse… I’m deteriorating and I can feel it… I have nobody I trust around me… At the end of the day I’m alone.. The lines building on my legs, reminding me constantly that I’m alone.

There was a thread that I posted that had two main topics, ideas for guaranteed ways that work and I was asking people for their opinion on the “hell for eternity” issue when it comes to suicide. Where did that thread go? Lucky I saved the answers that people posted in a file on my computer already, but nonetheless I don’t know why it’s gone.

I wrote this poem today at 1:21 am. It’s about a situation that happened just before.