woke up early smoked a small bowl and cig had a huge cup of coffee i think its going to be a great day! 🙂

I don’t want to commit suicide I just don’t want to exist anymore.

You see that girl who smiles bright 

She’s not the same late at night

Her smile slowley fades away 

When shes sure everyones gone away 

Tears gather in her eyes

She doesnt care, she lets them slide

Pain burning deep inside

Leaving her no bright side

She uses the razor to help her out

To help her make it thorugh the night

The blood runs down her arm 

Leaving a deadly trace of self-harm 

But the pains only gone for now 

It won’t stop it’s made it’s vow 

But now she’s all done for today 

And she’ll wear her bright smile just like any other day

For a long time now I’ve been subconsciously planning my suicide. My main reason for this is this ever growing sensation of “weltschmerz” – feeling the pain of the world and the uselessness of existence and living.
I have a good job that pays well. I am married to a woman that loves me, I have two beautiful and adorable children and still these aren’t good enough reasons for me to keep on living.

For as long that I can remember, I’ve been trying to live life, but never really knowing how. On the outside I’m am successful, but on the inside there is only this […]

Was the dream I had yesterday night. And that’s how I knew, tonight is the night.

I guess you could call it a sign, but I’m calling it an unconcious epiphany. I dreamt of a bridge made of guns, and that’s when it hit me, I’ll just shoot myself off a bridge this time! So I found the closest bridge to my house (a 20 minute bike ride away), and I’m prepping myself now.

I have the gun, the same one that shot off part of my shoulder. And my bike is outside the house, sitting there waiting for me to go grab it. I’m also debating […]

I don’t have to much screwed up in my life but i still feel like i serve no purpose and every time i think about it i know that there’s gonna be someone whos happy that im gone. but every time i think this i remember my life a year ago. at that time i was on so much bullshit. I judged people on how they looked and i just walked around acting like i knew everything and just didn’t care and didn’t see and deep meaning in life and just treated it like something that was a joke. then the week of my birthday […]

i’m new here, and found this website due to heavily thinking about suicide. i used to be depressed, and it was like an endless, black abyss; now i am not even depressed, i’m at the point where i am numbed out. nothing makes me sad, but nothing makes me happy :/ just a little background on myself. but i found this piece in an article very interesting, it’s a read, but worth it; psychiatrists put emphasis on 3 main factors of suicide.

thoughts and opinions !
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Joiner is 47 now, and a chaired professor at Florida State University, in Tallahassee. He’s made it his life’s […]

So.

Uh.

Let’s start. I’m Christian. Presbyterian, in fact. I’ve been this way for a while now. Uhm…well…you see…I believe I’m Pangendered. A.K.A, genderqueer. yeah. I don’t believe that I belong to any gender, and am comfortably happy with who I am. Mentally. Physically, I am either gender depending on my mood. I am also Pansexual. I can love anyone regardless of gender (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, asexual, etc.). Herein lies the problem…I’m “supposed to be happy with the body God gave me. Yes. God gave me the body. It’s my choice on what I do with it. I’m not saying I want some big surgery or […]

When the alarm clock sets off first thing in the morning and you know you’ve got to face another day.  What are your thoughts and feelings then?

For me it is horror, dread and confusion (confusion because when I’m dreaming I see myself in a healthy body, doing things in a better world, and feel that that place is real, until I wake up to reality).  I often will shake or even convulse at waking up.

I have been trying to get out of this body for years specifically from the age of 7 to 20 (current age)

I have tried suicide multiple times including cutting my wrist and taking loads of tylenol around 200 and then drowned that with hydrogen proxide but I did not leave, I did not even cross over. I mean what the fuck this was one I was around 16 and I am 20 now still wishing to just cross over but I realize now my family would be very sad and down the very same path that I have always seeked.

The only coping mechanism I really […]

Since I sold my car (that my wonderful ex bought me when I completed a depression rehab stint) I told my therapist that I woulnd’t be able to attend our sessions anymore… She of course rebuttled saying “No Ma’am, we can FaceTime chat instead”. Faaantastic. 

So I just spent the last hour (and $250 bucks) lying through my webcam about how much better I’m doing. And no, those arent boxes in the background of my room that I’ve packed up for my departure! Ha. Whether she bought it or not at least I have the rest of the night to listen to […]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvDfIcMI3M4   – one of the best songs ever

http://www.jukebo.com/utada-hikaru/music-clip,sanctuary,rvk33.html – Awesome song but unavailable on YouTube for copyright

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPXEOYM7vtM – a must listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVUDNj9S8TA  – I play this a lot….

Dont know if you will like them but these songs just speak to me unlike anything else….hopefully you will enjoy them  as well

Faking it.

From the outside I have it all. Unfortunately my mind is plagued with trauma, depression, and intense anxiety… leaving me in an existential haze in order to cope; I am merely going through the motions. I used my looks and my body to get through college and thought I would regain my sanity afterwards, but thats not the case. I now have a useless degree, too many therapists, lost a soul mate, and a mind that won’t cease come nightfall. I […]

Hi,

Of course I realise that I don’t want to die.  I just want everything to stop.  Or change, I don’t care.  I supposed I will create a list of “Things I don’t like about myself”.

1. I am very overweight.

2. I drink too much alcohol.

3. I can’t apply myself to anything

4. I can’t deal with anything that stresses me.

5. I am anxious and unable to form real friendships or relationships

6. I just want to stop!

Feelings of anxiety grip my chest, causing a wave of tension to travel both down to my legs and up through my back and neck to my face and the side of […]

I’m over 50, unemployed and very likely to remain so despite a good college degree and lots of experience.  In November, my unemployment runs out so I shall be reduced to 400 euros a month – nobody can live on that.

My plan is to rent a chalet on a camping site – in October when it’s not too warm – and burn two hibachi barbecues inside.  I was planning to do it in my camper, but I want to leave that to my sister and she wouldn’t want it if I’d died in it.  Plus, I can leave the cat there as it is her […]

They think your crazy, they think your mad… They call you stupid, worthless. Tell you your not worth it… Now your walking back to the place you call home, but you feel so alone. And if they really knew all of those things that you do in your room, to hide the pain… I’ll bet their minds would change…They’d change if they knew the pain…

So the other day I was thinking about hanging it up and calling it quits, my life is complicated. I’m young but I feel like I lived life before if that makes sense? But anyway tied the belt around my neck and put it in a knot twice and was about to hang it up in my room, I tested it to see if it would hold my weight it did, and just as soon as I was about to give it another try my cat wonders in my room and starts purring and I put the belt down and started playing with my cat […]

To whom ever says they know me

If I didn’t want to live

Here is what I’d give

I’d give the breathe that fills my lungs

The food that will taste sour to my tongue

I would give the wayward mind I have

The undecided and unknown path

I’d give up everything

If I didn’t want to live

If I didn’t like humanity

Understand without unnecessary pity

We are overly selfish and dramatic

Obnoxiously annoying and spastic

We dwell to long on things I want forgotten

Too many people assume how I’ve gotten

If I didn’t like humanity

Perhaps I didn’t want to live

If I didn’t like myself

Here is the basic line up on the shelf

I am pudgy to others […]

Life has become a waste of time.  In aviation they say, “too fast to land and too slow to fly” .  I say, “too lazy to live, to lazy to die”. Fuck it