any ways, here again , just thought id try one last time , shame to quote shit here there and every where but things are never going to get better  , its only took 12 years to figure this out – as much vodka and drugs are never going to fix me , just make me feel worse the next day , its not as if i have nothing to live for , i just dont seem to aperciate what i have , strange but true .

I have no one left to turn to. I’m living day to day wrapped up in the web of lies that I spun. I’ve hurt everyone I’ve ever known. My future doesn’t exist. I have a plan. I’m going to spend my savings on a plane ticket to the South Pacific and kill myself on a desert island. I’m 90% there.. just a month or two more with the people I Love.

Note to self: What the fuck is your life when you can’t live and you can’t die? What’s it going to take and how long is it going to take? Be practical. Start living your life (hah, right?) or take your life because you’re wasting time and you’re wasting other people time. Stop thinking and start doing. You could be at peace or start building peace – it’s up to you.

This is goodbye. To everyone who cared i am so sorry for this. Ive been in a drak place for a few years and there is nothing in my life to keep me from doing this. I have been struggling and no one ever seems to care. i just cant keep pretending to be happy when im not. The smile i wore was fake and you all thought i was happy but the demons inside me were too much to bear. I am sorry if i hurt anyone but please know that i am going to be in a happier place. Please dont cry for […]

It all started when my friend since preschool committed suicide. We were not best friends or anything, but that was just him. He was a shy quiet kid, good family, church boy, track star, and a really good kid. I heard about it from my sister on the night he hung himself, and then as expected, from everyone at school the net day. Everyone was talking about it, saying they were best friends, writing the date on their backpacks or arms, and I sat there just getting angrier and angrier that he would leave me here. He left me all alone, and now I have […]

Today is much like tomorrow, and yesterday was so similar to today, and I already know next week as it was in fact the last

Its almost surprising, the

Last time I had a coherent thought was nearly two years ago and every day hence is and will, in fact, always be

Shit

I am alive, I am dead. I am one, wanting the other. I am both, wanting neither

Tomorrow perhaps, I could act

Act As If

Who once I  Was

Is

Who I still Am

But

Truthfully, reality does not forgive and it does not forget, do not act as if the stars pause their flight

To appease the wants of reacting molecules

the, chance I […]

Do not mix. I joined a dating site last night and I actually found myself hoping nobody would contact me. Of course they did but I realized I was deathly afraid of actually meeting any of these people. I kind of just wanted it all to go away.

It didn’t used to be this bad. About six months ago after my roommate’s wedding, something snapped and my BPD just spun out of control. Now I’m afraid of making new friends, meeting women, and even having extended conversations with people I know well. Borderline sucks ass. It’s seriously miserable because I’m not happy with people and not […]

Tonight my parents found an empty beer bottle in my room. (I’ve taken to drinking when I feel down) They made a big deal out of it, unaware that the same night I drank it I had also downed a considerable amount of rum and two more beers. The other bottles were hidden only a few feet from the one they found, and there have been countless other drinks I’ve had that I threw out any evidence of. I think I might be an alcoholic, on top of being plagued by suicidal thoughts. My parents were quick to point out to me that there have been […]

I need this.. I need it.. what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? i don’t want to do this anymore..

I’m going to break! Ahh :'( It hurts soooo bad to cry.. like you have no idea.. I feel so depressed today.. ‘down in the dumps’ I can’t take it.. I want to cut.. that’s breaking my 6 month going.. ahh :'( well im gunna..

Oh, hello again mirror girl

it hasn’t been that long.

You’re not looking very good today you know;

are those scars and almost tears I see?

could those be troubled eyes and a shaky heart?

Who gave you the right to be like this mirror girl?

Mommy won’t be proud anymore,

Daddy won’t want you around,

Brother won’t understand,

and Sister won’t even remember.

Oh, hello again mirror girl,

it’s certainly been some time.

You’re looking worse you know;

the scars are deeper and the tears are falling,

your eyes are more wounded and your heart more broken.

You have it good mirror girl,

you should be thankful for all you have.

The sufferings all in your mind,

so stop sitting and crying,

when your friends are […]

By any means, I am not a ray of sunshine. I can’t help it. I’m only a teenager and I’ve basicly given up on life. I have no hopes for the future.

I used to want to be a journalist. I wanted to move back to Ireland and write about everything and anything. I wanted to get married and have a kid or two. I just wanted something out of life, but now I feel nothing. I feel numb. I just don’t know what I actually want. I had plans to do marvelous things with my best friends. But now, since one’s dead and the other […]

Yes it was cool at first being the bad boy, the drug dealer, the crazy dude, but now all I am is an addict. I haven’t touched oxy in a month which I guess is good but alcohol is a different story. Every time I go out I have to get drunk, every time I feel sad I have to get drunk, all I do is try to hide my emotions after all I have a reputation to keep and a mask to wear. I guess my problem is no one else cares because I dont care. Im too afraid to admit who I am rather than face who I need to be. I dont know ive jump so […]

I look all around me and all I see is cruelty and suffering. I can’t get these thoughts and images out of my mind. I myself have suffered enough, but nothing compares to the suffering of those that can not help themselves. I am done caring. I am exhausted, I can’t help or make a difference. My heart is dead and can feel no more. Just a shell now, blowing in the winds of a life that has no meaning. No joy or happiness, only pain and fatigue. I feel death breathing on my shoulder. Whispering […]

i’m at an all time low
and yet i’m still sinking
my whole life
has lost it’s meaning.
staring into darkness.
evading all the light.
the demons have me blinded.
the demons took my sight.
Forever sitting
waiting
praying
Oh, God
won’t you save me.
The devil is taking
everything of me.
he muffles all my screams.
no one can hear me.
I am left fearing.
what will become of me.
the demons took my heart.
the demons took my soul.
chopped them up
and put them in a bowl.
sprinkled on some hate.
and then dash of sad.
and they ate it with pitch […]

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It doesn’t matter how we arent friends anymore, but im just thinking about her tonight..and how she texted me one night saying ” ow, glass hurts”. i knew what she meant but i didnt  think much of it because for us, its was a nightly routine. But a couple weeks later she was going on about all her issues and how she attempted suicide. I didnt understand. She always texted me when she hurt hurself but never ever told me she tried to kill herself. I was confused so i asked her when she tried to do it. She said “remember that time i told […]

We all go through pain. Whatever the cause, pain is pain. No one likes to be in pain when it comes to emotions. We all have stories, I want to share mine. I am 23, college grad recently, I’m good looking and I go to the gym.. I use too. I stopped going. I stopped doing lots of things that I use to love doing. I’ve been depressed for 3 months, 2 months before I was suffering from anxiety. I’ve never felt like a winner before in my life. Anything that I do always blows up in may face till this day no matter how […]

I talk to much, joke too much, im too honest, i push people away, im too tall, im too skinny, and everyone always finds the need to break me down.

your my brother, I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to hug you, I want know you better. I can’t take only being able to read words. I want to be by your side. I want to go to school, and then come home and tell you all about my day. I want you to tell me you enjoy my company. I want to have silly fights over meaningless things. I want to be with you. I want to run away, I want to run to you, you could adopt me, legally make me your sister. Maybe, just […]