“wake up” no one says and she rises to a lonely cold morning, its only four and shes not tired.. she walks to the kitchen, feet padding softly on the white tile. The bright glow from the fridge lights up half of the small apartment and she sighs. “thanks for the dinner.” she muttered in pain, the girl hadn’t eaten in two days because everyone else got to the fridge first. after a burning hot shower she stood in front of the steamy mirror staring at her horrid reflection.. tan skin, almost boy short tangled hair and scars on her face.. the girls took her […]
i dream of walking to it
my home
to count the crooked bricks
fall onto the too long grass
smell the juniper
go through the white door
with the lion knocker
walk through the rooms
the familiar spaces
and patterns on the floor
remember all the voices
all the sorrow
all the joy
through to the back yard
over old redwood planks
lawn surrounded by fruit trees
orange blossoms
to lay under the great mulberry
to gaze up into its branches
and broad green leaves
watch the light dance
and the sky dance
then peacefully
close my eyes
It’s getting to me, my my feelings are finally catching up to my head. I can’t take what they say even though what they say is not true..I hate it, just hiding myself in my room watching movies all day or play video games, not texting a signal friend, just sitting here thinking instead, only coming out to eat. It was good for a while but now it’s bad gain you see that’s why I ended up here again.
Another bad week… Summer was great and now at class return my life come back to be a bullshit… They hacked my facebook profile and say terrible things about me and i never do anything wrong.
now after 3 months i start cutting again… Why its seems to be the only way? I feel ignored I feel a nothing and good on nothing.
I spend a summer trying to think that this would never happen again
its really another day in paradise?
i feel them cutting but thers nothing in my hands
i feel the blood runing down my vanes and in to the open air
can you feel it
can you smell it
im loosing controle
im not loosing fath
im fighting back genst a brick wall
and for some reson that i dont understand im loosing
im loosing agenst an objet
look at the wold fall
look at the them stand tall
help me rase a call
a fighting withdrol
im lost
not fownd
im dead
not drownd
im cold
not cool
im something that you will never understand i feel
i feel
i feel
i feel
i look at my arm
look at the blood
look at the cut that cerculs my wrist
look at me fall
look
look
look
hes gon at last […]
Ive had a vedy fucked up two years.. i already prepare for death.. i sled off the road lastnight.. and for 5 seconds i just new i was going to hit a tree and die.. my point is.. i wasnt scared.. i was ready and hoping.. when i relised after hydroplaning at 80 miles an hour sideways then in to a large field.. it being dark i couldnt see anything.. then sliding at about 60 miles an hour into the grassy side median.. im very suprised i only had 3 flat tires.. i landed 3 feet from the tree sideline.. damn how i wish in […]
This will be one messed up post because I’m messed up. To put that honestly straightly in the beginning. But I guess something comes out of this. Or I don’t know, every hour of work produces something. And someone more clever than me recommended doing this so here I am. I don’t know what my problem exactly is. I just don’t know where to go. Or what should I do with my life. There are so many people here and they have most horrible stories and mine wouldn’t be anything to compare. Not like we should compare or anything. Hah, I’m happy if someone make […]
I don’t know if I should bother telling people about my feelings anymore. All I do is make people sad, annoyed, or mad when I share how I feel. I hate being a burden to everyone I love. I wish I could just be happier or be better at pretending to be.
Who could have ever thought i would make it this far. Check all my past posts,i have lived below the basic standards of life,i have felt more pain than words could mention,but i had a good laugh with a friend today and i realised that despite all this. I am alive to live and laugh again
here are to the good times
I’ve had in my life.
those fragile little moments
where I know i’ll survive.
here is to the haters
here is to the world.
who thought that they could beat me down
but i won’t lay upon the ground.
I’ll throw some punches.
I’ll get you back.
hell, i’ll hit.
I’ll give you a slap.
Cause no more!
No way!
I won’t take your crap.
Here is to the losers,
the outcasts, who cry.
here is to the mourners
who still know how to smile.
Here is to my people,
the ones who know how to think,
at least were […]
to be honest i’m not really sure what i’m doing on this site but i’m ust gonna go with it. I’m not trying to sway anyone into my thinking or anything this is just my own experiences and opinions. So I’ve read a few posts and stuff and it’s kind of strange but i feel like i can relate. People are saying stuff like “oh you won’t do it” and stuff like that but ppl will, they always do and that’s what’s wrong with this site. you shouldn’t test ppl. I’m just hoping to get some advice on how to kill this shit before myself. […]
I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. There are no more times I could laugh for real. Everything’s just fake. It sucks. I once had friends who I trusted in my old school, but then I transferred to a new school and realized they weren’t the friends they said they were. Now, In my new school, I do have friends. Friends that are only for the good times. I don’t know who to trust anymore. Sure there are times when I tell other people my problems but those problems are the problems that even I know I could bear with. But what […]
Today a girl talked to me. The one I’ve been wanting to be friends with since I  turned up at the college. Her name is Tina and she’s from a parallel group. I honestly don’t know why she gifted me with that 5-minute chat. She was bored, obviously. And probably in a bad mood because of having to get up too early. It could be just that none of her friends was around to engage her, so she sat next to me and complained. It felt so awkward, I couldn’t find words to keep the conversation going. All I could manage was a couple of […]
We all have felt the pain of this cruel world. Bullies, insensitive adults, ridiculing teachers, and so much more. This is a pain that seems to last forever. Truth is, it really does. I still can remember the pain I felt when I was bullied in elementary school. No matter how many cuts and bruises we take, we will never feel a relief. I love to feel the bite of any razor, and even cut over the same cuts over and over. Still though, over time the pain I recieve from these cuts dwindle more and more over time. My body now ridden with dozens […]
Lots of things had happened and all they turned me into stupid depressed teenager. I used to cope with the problems and I was fine, but now things are worse. Nothing can make me happy. I have only one real friend but although he tries to make me happier, he can’t. The others laugh at me, tell me I’m fat, stupid, ugly, idiot, etc. My family doesn’t understand me. They thing I’m ok, but I’m not. I just can cope with all my problems. I tried to stop self-harming, but I couldn’t. I didn’t eat for days, but I got ill and it didn’t help. […]
I am the last honest guy on earth. I gave her everything and she promised the world to me.
I gave her all of me. My Love, My Patience, My Kindness, My Caring. everything that made me the last honest person on earth.
She gave me a wife and 2 kids. A House and even a job.
She gave me things I did not have like Motivation, Strength, Willpower, The reason I needed to get out of bed everyday.
She took it all and the world she promised, She took it all back.
She took it in pieces over time, first my Securities, then Control, then my Trust, then My […]
so back in october i made my first attempt and obviously failed but about a month ago i made plans for my second and now that’s in about 2 weeks. i feel really sick to say this but i’m excited. i’m sick and tired of this bullshit feeling and the only thing that gets me through the day is thinking “in a little bit it will all be over, you’ll be free” i know i should be thinking of everyone i’m going to leave but i’m so tired of living and being here that i could care less.
Yesterday was my 27th birthday.
Today I slept until 6:pm.
I feel terrible all the time. All I can do is sleep and eat. I move through the perfunctory functions of life. I have a job, kinda. I want to quit because my boss is a ***** (isn’t that everyone’s story). I don’t have health insurance, pay out of pocket to see a psychiatrist. For 20 minutes of his time he takes half my weekly salary. I’ve been on 9 or so medications over 12 years. I use to feel smart. Now I feel broken.
I used to fantasize about one day having a dream house, […]
Words are wind
Gentle summer breezes, the kind that I’m always waiting for but that never seem to arrive.
Winds that bear rain down upon me. Every raindrop is just more bad news, each one building on the last to create an overwhelming flood.
Cold winter winds, that pierce through even the thickest coat, and cut straight into my heart and soul.
Fierce wind storms, tornadoes, that tear down my shelter and leave me broken and battered, but still alive to feel the pain.
Words are wind, they always say.
But who says wind can’t hurt you?