some things drive me to true and complete madness, like a starving man tortured with pictures of food, or a thirsty one given images of water, and it’s this;

There are a few dozen fat billionaires currently setting up their lives, they have nothing better to do than build rockets and fund AI. Ruining lives is all they do.

Meanwhile there’s a piece of woods sitting out there for $106,000 and if I had it I’d be a lot less angry at life. I could build a little cabin on it, and a pole barn, and get some stuff done….. that amount of money to one of […]

The deep friendship that allowed me to open my heart had to end. She and I were passionate about art and found deep meaning in it that also deepened our friendship. However, an artwork I made last year depicted two people caring for each other. It was pure and innocent. However, these two people were naked (to symbolize vulnerability) and she took it as something sexual, which our friendship was strictly not. I understand nudity can bring sexual thoughts. The people in the artwork were inspired by us, but not us at all. I thought that was the end of the discussion.

One year goes by […]

The last few months have felt that way. Thinking back to late September early October, I can remember my never ending time spent at the lab working towards submitting for a conference in October. I failed. Then I kept working. I failed to finish my Thesis by December. Then I kept working. I am going to fail submitting to the January conference. Going back to thinking about my summer internship, that feels like a million miles away now. Thinking about last January and the terror I felt at only having a year left feels like a million […]

Note to self- remember always the eternal aspect of the universe and it may just lighten some of the weight of this world off my heart.

F#ck 2025 and all that follows.

Massacre in New Orleans on NY Day- 15 killed

This comes after a woman was set on fire and burned alive in a NYC subway. Then a few days later, there was another person (man) set on fire on the NYC subway.

5 young teens (~13yo) gang beat an elderly man to death. And filmed it (gen z, ofc). Good thing these POS’s filmed their crimes (not only them but tons of other criminals), bc otherwise, police would never do anything.

One of the posters here on SP said there’s all sorts of craziness going on in Europe- well- America has […]

i’m intensely embarrassed that i don’t know how to kill myself, even after so much searching on the internet, if i told someone i’d turn red from the shame. kids have accidentally strangled themselves to death with only their hands for a stupid challenge. this must mean that i’m not motivated enough to attempt, i’m relatively fine if i don’t think about it. another thing i’m trying to ignore. it’s been 6 years since i’ve shared happiness with people, laughed genuinely with someone i could call a friend. i really need to die before i go insane and maybe hurt someone. it’s my worst nightmare, […]

I got some emotional news today. My cousin who is three years older than me is still alive. I had been living for the last year or two on equal understanding that she might be dead. I didn’t want her dead, but it’s a hazard of how she’s living her life.

Her being alive though, that’s shocking. Turns out she had syphilis and smoked some fentynyl along the way, see what I mean? Her being alive is a rather amazing thing. She’s turning 40 this year. I wonder if I’ll see her again.

Sometimes I wonder if my whole family is under some sort of supernatural pact […]

Well I screwed myself again. I don’t have access to the lab anymore. Great. I already submitted the form for my access to be extended to June, but it seems I can’t get in today. Don’t know if it’s for the holiday or what. I submitted the form again and realized what screwed my. My fucking advisor needs to approve it. When I submitted the form before, it was just after the semester ended. The fucking guy can’t be bothered to read his email during the semester most of the time, he aint going to read it […]

I’m so fxxking sick of this world. So tired of people staring at me like I’m a freak. They stare at me because they pity me. People know that I am an outcast. I’m am like this unpopular celebrity. People want nothing to do with me, but yet they’re fascinated with me. No one wants to hang out me, so I don’t have any friends.

I hate everyone especially men. Men make me want to throw up. I want to puke every organ out of my body because I hate them so much. How I can ever be attracted to them is beyond me. I don’t […]

I have decided after 36 years of living that 2025 is going to be the year i finally rid myself of the sadness that has plagued me my entire life.

I have in the past 10 years done EVERYTHING I can to make myself feel better and feel well. I will continue improving myself and my life for the next year also.

If this feeling does not stop and my sadness does not dissipate, I will end my life.

In the lab. Been in the lab these past 3 weeks (I’ve lost track) except for a handful of break days (Christmas and all that). Just staring at the thing. I’ve dissembled and re-assembled at least maybe a half dozen times? I’ve lost count. I count any sort of disassembly of the inner modules and threading cables through the origami as disassembled. I’ve thought about it, but it would have probably saved more time to take it apart piece by piece and slowly and carefully put it back together. It would save me from having to reopen it […]

Every year I dive ever deeper into the wonders of our wide scope of Christmas media and add a few more movies to the pile. I don’t like to repeat all of my past discoveries, because some of them are bad and others have already done their job. I have a complicated relationship with the season, this year being unemployed I’m medium cranky. I have a strong love for Christmas horror and bad movies though, and this year like every year delivered both.

I guess that’s where I’ll start,

The Mean One (2022)

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Some years ago I was in South America, I was not getting on with the party I was with, that’s no reflection on her and no reflection on me either.  I had been experimenting with ‘Paid ladies’, I didn’t think she would find out, it’s hard to say how she found out but in the end she found out. She waited until it was late one night and moved against me ” get the fuck out of this apartment you fucking ****, I know what you did, you’re obsessed with your dick, you make me sick, get out of my sight” she said. You might […]

at 3:52pm on august 15, 2024, i attempted to commit suicide to flee from the foul words that escape the mouths of vile people, to flee from the troubles i must push through every day, to flee my imperfect body and personality affected by my severe depression so i can transform into another being. i, however, failed thanks to leaving my computer on. the pleading messages of my best friend were left on read, plainly on the screen of my computer. his words stunned me. he desperately wanted to know if i was okay. he cared to know if i was okay. tears fell from […]

If you wanna feel sad, then laugh at the end of this clip, watch this:
Apparently, it’s an old ad from back in the day.
Hell, some of y’all weren’t even born yet O_o

~45s
Hearing this song for the 1st time tonight/this early morning.

Intense Anger and Hatred Against This World?

I’m sick of this sick world- and by sick- I mean the whole “normal” population are also fucked up. They are just able to keep a job- but doesn’t mean the rest of the people in the world aren’t fucked up. Hell, maybe they are MORE fucked up- so apathetic toward humans and human suffering.

Like how many ppl don’t give AF about any of the wars, dead men, women and children, don’t even flinch when hearing all the stories of sick parents who had their daughter melt into the couch, or the parent/guy who stapled the kid to the wall, […]

even bothered to text me “Merry Christmas?” Well, if you said NO ONE, you’d be right.

That’s exactly how I feel.

What’s so “wonderful” about Christmas anyway? Especially for those that don’t have loving supportive families? -_-