The anger is boiling
Festering inside of me
It wants to erupt
But will remain hidden
Away from all the preying eyes
That lie in waiting for me to break
Hidden deep within my heart
Away from everyone
Too many secrets
Painful memories
Lies
Betrayal
I won’t ever tell
No deals
Just forget it
The anger will remain
But my face won’t show it
My heart won’t tell it
I’m fine
Perfectly fine
Miss cheerful
As always
The same simple lie

I’m a product of fucked up rage
Higher masses breed hate and discrimination
Only to further strengthen my cage
They feed the mindless mases lies
These are the screams of the outcast trying for a revolution
Mindless masses bore masscarades of confusion
YOuths lose reality in the game of life
Telling themselves to win one last fight
A fight to take their lives
A fight to whisper in the ear of th e higher masses
In turn they scream of a nation under God needing to arise from the ashes
This is the new holocaust
The outcast are now the ones persecuted
This is not […]

Within this twilight world
Lies emptiness and hate
I seek an epic journey
So that I might escape
Far away from this reality
To a world of ignorant bliss
I come from pain and torment
To embrace salvations kiss
I welcome a moment of hope
As short as it may be
But the hope always fades
And I am left empty

The tears they fall unfiltered and pure
Pouring out pain that nothing can cure
Tumbling, cascading like the waterfall
The vivid mark of agony’s call
Those salty drops of feminine curse
Trapped under weight, day by day growing worse
no one to catch them, no one to see
No one else lost in this hell-hole but me
Screaming in terror at the walls closing in
Dropping to my knees, my head starts to spin
Feeling the rage within growing stronger
What in the hell have I done that’s so wrong?
The quickness of breath and tightness of chest
I have endured through it all, gave […]

Like a candle that disipates
into the velvety darknesss
of solitude,
I am smoothered by an unseen hand.

And the darkness
is like a fog
that rolls in off the sea and never leaves

Can anyone see me?
Can anyone hear my cries?

Or will I fade unnoticed
like a candle;
in the dark.

So strange to be alone,
I don’t know how to do this
I’ve been alone before, but never like this

When do I stop hurting?
Can’t seem to forget her face
The love of my life… Now sees me as a monster!

Is all heartbreak alike?
I can feel my strength fading,
But is it from the starvation,
Or is it from the knife?

Looking for a way out

But I only see one

The most selfish thing a person can dream

Kill me is what I scream

Palms on my face

I feel like waste

I can’t taste

Can I be erased?

My world is crashing

Darkness won’t stop slashing

The pain is smashing

Nothing ever stops lashing

Tired of crying

Frustrated of sighing

Given up trying

Why can’t I be dying?

Stumbling down the slope

Without holding any rope

I can’t see hope

How am I suppose to cope?

Tonight is the night I lie here and fight

I fight for a life

I fight always by night

But for that life I so violently and willing fight

That life is mine, but home it is not

For now I live it for no other choice

But it’s just an empty soul, lost and cold

Not much worth the fight

I am backward.They all keep running past me..

They say i ve got problems….

I am not going to pretend like i dont..i know about my problems,i know about how weak and poor i am to sponsor any medical intervention.i know all this things.i know people are not always friendly to me.i know i am not too good looking and you wouldnt want to read my post if this was facebook and you could see my picture..i know i am alone and helpless…but.. i neva knew that he loved me.i never knew that he died for me in torture.i never knew he could be there for me..but now that i know.i ll live for […]

I’m 22 turning 23 this year. I should be over this and be able to handle things life throws at me. For the most part I can but lately, things have just been too much. Since young, I’ve been alone, left to fend for myself. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother got remarried when I was 11 to my stepfather. He wasn’t a bad person in general, it was just that I couldn’t live up to his standards. I be constantly called stupid, treated like I was worthless in the house and he and my mother would fight a lot of […]

I think I need to up my dosage.  I’ve been on anti-depressants for 6 weeks and I haven’t felt any positive effect.  If anything, I feel worse.  Suicide resides in the forefront of my mind.  Futility rules supreme in my mind.  I’ll meet with my therapist, maybe she can help.

I have problems with myself. I believe everything in the world is beautiful ba me and some humans. I hate myself, because i have no friends etc. the usual nosh. Anyway, what really makes me angry and upset is my dad. I dont get along with my Dad, he is impossible. Im on summer holidays right now, and we have a grape farm. All holidays, seeing as i have no friends to go out with, i am in charge of keeping our very large house clean as well as things like laundry cooking etc.. and i also work on the farm (i’ve done 75+ hours […]

It would be nice if, for once, leaving your house didn’t mean potentially ending up in that school parking lot by myself at 3 in the morning.

I’m driving, and I can feel it coming on. I knew it was going to happen as soon as you touched me and my thoughts immediately replaced your hands with his. I held it off the whole evening so I could enjoy my time with you but as soon as I’m alone again, I am truly alone. The wheel become harder to control as my hands start shaking and my breathing gets ragged. My head becomes lighter and fills […]

….the bottle
The pills will make you insane
And if you don’t maintain your feelings
Your brain has already found a way
Instead you watch your hands shaking
The room is spinning, you’re getting dizzy, losing focus
And your thoughts are filled with images of a man in a red suit
Whispering ugly truths…
How did you get lost?
How did it get out of control?
You were on a right path
Then you turned left
Spiraling down a rabbit hole
Digging again another grave
Don’t make rock bottom your home
And tears are okay
Keep filling the jar
It’s been rough but not rough enough […]

1. I am healthy.

2. I eat well.

3. I sleep well.

4. I have a very small social group around me. Very small, but they lift my mood. They make me laugh. They make me enjoy. I do not have a family, or love, but that is  okay.

5. I am going to college soon. There is a long  path stretching ahead. It may be dark and twisting, but at least it  is not a dead end.

Even though recently I have been feeling a bit sad. I just realize how people have  boyfriends and girlfriends, how people can fall in love, make life meaningful. How people have parents, […]

I have been having suicidal thoughts lately
Seems like the easiest way out…..yet I’ve seen how suicide affects my friends, and I don’t want them to feel the pain of going through that ever again
So I’m stuck in an endless loop of torturing myself
I don’t fear death, I embrace it
Why fear something you know nothing about? It could be the best thing that ever happened to you
I am ugly, and all people ever seem to care about is how a person looks
Even if one of my friends is eyeing someone, they always judge them based on what they look like, and involve me
Even I’m guilty of […]

When I came back from my adventures, I noticed several things. First, is that my dreams are over. Second, is that I can no longer connect with realities, be it people or environment. Third, is the realization of the harshness of the world we are living in. And lastly, is the realization how powerless my self is.

Realizing the dream world is over, I struggled to return to reality. But I noticed that I have no such reality to return to. Before, I’ve never even think about the future, I just lived for the moment, believing that one day I would get involved and drowned in […]

Like I’m supposed to be able to carry the world on my shoulders..like Atlas
Like I’m supposed to know all the answers like Einstein
Like I’m supposed to influence thousands, even millions..like Martin Luther King
But what happens when you know..deep down..that you cant?
When you know youre not strong enough, smart enough, or brave enough?
I know these things. I know I cant do anything you think I can do. I am a loser.
And it breaks my heart that you think I’m Superman..because I cant be..your superman
I just cant…