I’m 22 turning 23 this year. I should be over this and be able to handle things life throws at me. For the most part I can but lately, things have just been too much. Since young, I’ve been alone, left to fend for myself. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother got remarried when I was 11 to my stepfather. He wasn’t a bad person in general, it was just that I couldn’t live up to his standards. I be constantly called stupid, treated like I was worthless in the house and he and my mother would fight a lot of times because of something I did. He didn’t confront me, he confronted my mother and they had fights that turned the house upside down. The rest of the family couldn’t do anything really. They couldn’t even provide comfort for me because they knew my stepfather would get even more enraged if they supported me. I don’t blame them so a lot of times, I would cry in private knowing nobody was going to hold me, hug me or comfort me.
I finally left at 15 and stayed with my uncle. Things were a bit better. I had privacy and was generally left alone but I never had any friends to stave off the loneliness. The few people who hung out with me never really considered me a friend. I’ve had topsy turvy relationships with girls and such that never amounted to anything long term because I was such a stupid boy then. I was stupid and I made lots of mistakes and I hurt lots of people. I still do sometimes. I know I am damned to be alone because I can never ever make anyone happy. I thought I turned it around recently, I met a great girl and we had our differences in our relationship but she was patient with me but she finally left me today and I know she’s not coming back. I admitted what I done in the past which was to basically be pretty much a serial cheater. Date 2 girls and string along a few more..not because I was an asshole which I was but because I was scared of being lonely. Back then, if one left me, I had a few others to back up.
I changed and tried my best to stop all that. For her, I did. For her, I wanted to only spend my life with her, to love her, to marry her and have kids with her. I really changed for her because I didn’t want anyone else only her but when I told her about my past, she left me. I don’t blame her. She hates guys who would go around cheating and basically being a whore. I guess I have to be punished for my sins. I don’t plan on having another relationship because I plan to kill myself when I’m 25. I just need to get my affairs in order before I go. I guess losing her is a factor in my decision but there’s just so much piling up and this really has sent me over the edge. I’m not saying I will kill myself..I just needed to let it all out somewhere. I’m rotten and I’m going to die alone one way or the other.
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Why 25?
That’s the age where if nothing’s left, I’ll make sure everything is planned, I do the things I want to experience. Then on the last day, I’ll end it.
You can change, one day at a time. Take today, and consciously think about what you are doing, how you are being, where it will lead you. You can do this, you are not condemned, your future isn’t written in stone.
Your future might end up being amazing. You just don’t know. Don’t end your life. There is so much good out there and dying isn’t a good solution. Start to change your mindset now do by the time your 25 you don’t even want to think about dying.
God Bless,
Julia