life has always been cruel, takes everything that makes any good away from me. never had nothing, until i meet her. then just as fast as closing my eyes things had sense. but the way the world is, tries as much as he can to get me away from happiness. did everything it could, our love has always been so strong, but i still afraid of losing  her. lose the only thing that putted me back dreaming again. my luck has never been good, every possible misunderstood that happens can be solved, but not all them.if luck is not with you, one message on the […]

You know how it is
When you feel like there’s no one that cares about you
When your heart turns cold from betrayal
When your skin burns the morning after cutting
When your mind is so tired from many sleepless nights
When you realize that all you breathe is hate and all you know is sorrow
When you see that quitting is your only way out

I lie awake at night and i think back when i saw razor blades and i was tempted to buy one. But i decided not too. I look back and think to myself “Why did not I buy it? Why did i stop myself” And i thought to myself there are no heroes, no one will save you from your depressing life. You have to be your own hero and save yourself. Because no one else will, and no one else will try, and as i lay here in bed i think to myself ” I am my own hero and I will save myself”

I’m only alive because
of the smell of blacktop on a humid day after
it rains; and rain itself—thunderstorms
lightning thrills like riding in the car with
my brother; loud music of the
“i don’t give a fuck” type
and running; holding breath dizzy
passing out on grass–wet grass; alcohol
burning my mouth–tingling and drugs;
the feeling of living that isn’t
real and sunrise; a new beginning fresh start
clean sheets; white pure and snow; dark quiet
night–talking, skater boys; in the park smoking
under the gazebo; stars bright—Orion
finding trees in the stars because
I am dead
on the inside;
the smell of cold—death; […]

These words follow me everywhere I go.
I don’t quite understand them.
I don’t know what they are, but I can’t lose them.
These words have their own voice.
They sing and I cry along.
I try to master them.
But they are the ones who control me.
These words are my very being.
They are lost inside themselves.
I cannot comprehend them, as I can’t comprehend myself.
Who am I?
These words cannot tell me.

I’ve tried to stifle these words.
But they refuse to be silent.
In my dreaming, the words are pictures.
They show me glimpses of what I want.
Corpses with my […]

I’m soooo fucking stupid.. Why did i do it? So i was talking to this guy& i thought he really liked me. He started to ignore me for 4 days. & so i was like wtfe imma go get high, So i had an older guy friend pick us up & take us tol go get some weed.. he told us all he didn’t have a girlfriend.. & i made out with him, he forced his hands down my pants & i tried to pull it out & we made out & crap.. but i was high so i was like okay? & today.. this […]

I have been having anxiety attacks since I was six years old. When I was 12 I had my first episode of major depression and at 13 made my first plan to kill myself. At 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and at 19 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks. Around the age of 30 I had clinical anxiety added to my diagnosis of long term depression. Now I’m nearly 40 and the pain never ends. Sometimes it recedes enough that I can laugh but I’m never really happy. The latest episode of major depression started four months […]

Cycles.

It happens in cycles.

Good day. I’m happy.
Bad day. I’m not.
Better day. I’m indifferent.
Good day. I’m happy.
Relapse. Shame. I cut.
Next day, I resist. I fail.
I resist again.
I succeed.
The next day is better. I focus on hiding the cuts. 
The day after, I think that I’m strong enough. I’m angry for giving in. I’m so angry that I promise I will never cut again.
So I don’t.
Good day. I’m happy.
Bad day. I’m not. 
Better day. I’m indifferent.
Good day. I’m happy.
Relapse. Shame. I cut.
Next day, I resist. I fail.
I resist again.
I succeed.

It never ends. 
I can’t escape it.
Variations and patterns
But the blood is still red.

http://youtu.be/ijZRCIrTgQc

Today.
21 january.
One year.
One year of self-harm.
One year of cuts.
21 january.
21 january 2012.
The day.
The day I started cutting.
Cutting on my hands.
Cutting on my feet.
Cutting on my hips.
Cutting on my belly.
Cutting on my lower arms.
Cutting on my wrists.
Cutting on my chest.
I can remember that day as yesterday. Saturday 21 january 2012. I grabbed a scissors and started to scrape and scrape on my hand until there was a little scar with a very little bit of blood. I did it, couldn’t go back. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? It was just […]

It hurts because this time I might actually be broken
I just don’t know why
Another price to pay again
Another price I can’t afford
Did I touch the fire? Did I get burned?
I don’t remember
But I didn’t get hurt

It’s not what you feel
It’s how you feel it
And what you do with the pain after you feel it

I’m scared because the colder I get the more I don’t care
I don’t want to accept my apathy
I want to care I swear
Another cut another burn
But it never bleeds
It doesn’t hurt

It’s not what you feel
It’s how you feel it
And what you do with the pain after you feel it

This is a lifeline
Hold […]

Tomorrow. I finally have the courage to end this piece-of-shit life that I hoped would get better. I’ve been waiting for years, but each year has only gotten harder. I’m done with this world. I have nothing keeping me here. I can’t wait to end this. Just one more day.

In the last few months I have started getting better. I no longer fantasize about dying every moment of the day, I no longer consider jumping in front of a train whenever I am at a station, or of jumping off a multi storey car park, I no longer hope there’s a car crash that kills only me whenever I get in a car, and I no longer think about how many pills it would take, or how deep I’d have to cut. I don’t plan what I’d write in a suicide note, or think about how much happier everyone would be if I wasn’t […]

i am a fucking whore a fucking waste of space i dont seserve to  be here i deserve to feel pain i deserve to fucking die i hate myself im so fucking ugly and so fucking worthless.

i don’t want to live this life anymore.  i’m so sad and angry all the time. and i don’t know what to do anymore..

One day clean.

Like every day, the count begins.
One day clean.

One more cut.
Like every day, the count begins.
One more cut.

One more failure.
Like every day, I fall again.
One more failure.

One more scar.
Like every day, I hide them.
One more scar.

One day clean.
Like every day, the count is useless.
Every day, one more cut.
One more smile to hide behind.

Hey guys,
I havent been on here in a very long time but i find it necessary because i started cutting again and its worse than before. My boyfriend said that if i cut one more time that he was going to leave me and i couldnt stop myself and i cut and now today he told me that he wants to talk to me face to face probably so he can break up with me. I am dreading going over there. I didnt just come out and say it either he took my phone and read my messages because i was talking about the […]