these thoughts are there they sit there like glue and don’t want too go away. I am sick and tired of living. I want too do anything too just fade away…. I puke so I can get rid of the sadness and the pain…. I  enjoy  every little bit of it  & watching my self  get more broken apart..  I am over all of this shit and the lies and the hurt I am done with it all. I am still working on a date that will be more solid. I have a few methods but all in all I am just waiting too see […]

I’m not crazy.  I score high on Asperger’s but it’s still not a good fit.  I have always had this feeling of not belonging, even of being an alien.  When the loneliness gets too bad, I think of suicide.  On better days, I think about what my mission might be.  Maybe just to explore or be an emissary.  I have taken up the study of astronomy expressly to find out whether some other star might resonate.  I haven’t yet found the star, but I have found the constellation.  Somehow I knew the name before I knew it existed.  Anyway, now I’m wondering if there are […]

Well a while ago when i was severly depressed. (i couldnt even cut myself i was so numb on the inside) all i did was sleep. I got home from school and slept, got back from dance and slept. Sundays? I slept until 4 almost every week. Thats one way i know i am depressed.. i sleep. alot. and i just get tired… where i just dont want to do anything. and sometimes thats normal, sometimes i just like to be lazy… but recently i will just feel tired for no reason.. i slept fine that night, had coffee and should have been wide awake, […]

its crazy how other people affect us so much… how what one person says can just completely change out mood, thoughts, and how we feel about everything, including ourselves.. its crazy…

People are really good at making me feel shitty though… they really truely are…

what that person said to me today “Im just really disappointed in you” made me want to cut.. but i couldnt and that was probably a good thing. Just what that person said really hurt me and just really brought up a bunch of old thoughts and feelings and just really really brought me down…

Just want to sleep…

Alone is what i feel.no one knkws ive been feeling this way.i want to cut myself sometimes too.but being who i am im scarred. maybe ill go too deep and just bleed to death. but music is my only escape.ed sheeran.little mix.one direction.ya go ahead judge me because i like one direction but their the main reason im still here…..on earth.ya i know other people have bigger problems.and i dont even know what started these emotions.maybe the fact that im ugly,fat,and worthless.maybe its because im constantly compared to other people.”why cant you be like her” “why arent your grades as good as hers” all these […]

my girlfriend left me few days before.now i am all alone .she ignores me now and treats me very badly.i don’t want to talk about her.i am all alone.there is no one in the world who can replace her .life sucks.i need someone to talk with atleast because whenever i am too depressed i go back to her but she treats me very badly.it hurts.plz someone help me.plz .i had cut myself today and it did not hurt even.life sucks.i want to die.why did she did that with me…i don’t know….

Lock my heart

Throw away the key,

Capture my soul,

It will never be free.

Pain is my companion,

Sorrow my guard,

Darkness my comfort,

Madness never far.

Lock my spirit,

Burn my fire,

Capture my breath,

Hope retire.

(I’ve been working on this for quite some time)
There’s nothing quite like that feeling of rolling up one of your dreams like an old news paper, and placing it in that ubiquitous furnace in your mind. The place you send thoughts to get rid of them. Like an unpleasant situation, or a traumatic experience, what was once your dream is now your nightmare, and you suppress your thought, realizing it’s beyond you, accepting that your dream…will remain just that. A pigment of the picture of the figment of the imagination. As thin and immaterial as ether. Putting to rest your airy desire for love […]

They said it would be easy that soon i’d be grown up. Well they don’t know how hard it is to act like your tough.They said the time would fly by but it goes so slow.They say so many things, make it sound so cool, but life is just too hard, I don’t know what to do.
I’d rather it end and not have to pretend I’m well.
I’d rather be myself and have to go through hell.
Rather walk the plank than have to take the pain.
Cause’ if I were gone nothing would change there’d just be an empty seat and a […]

It’s time to leave this earth and hopefully go somewhere where I know people care and understand. Fuck this world, I can’t take this pain any longer…

Why am I always the one that has to change?

Why do I get yelled at for telling the truth about how I feel?

Why is life so fucking difficult for me?

What’s wrong with me?

Who can I turn to?

Does anybody care?

Can anyone see or hear me?

Why can’t I breathe?

Why do I no longer have any control over my own mind?

Why is the world such a blur?

I literally just want to give up and escape reality because everyday I live is a constant reminder of how alone I truly am. 2012 was a horrible year, and I fear 2013 will be equally the same, if not worse. I’m 25 years old with no friends or social life, my family treats me like an outcast due to my low self-esteem and confidence, and having a speech impediments makes speaking 1000 times harder.  I can’t even hold a conversation without looking like a freak and my family thinks the solution to my many problems is giving me the cold shoulder.

I honestly wish I […]

I’m tired. I’m tired of having a “syndrome” that makes everything look okay, when it’s far from it. I’m tired of having a “disorder” that I still behave fine, but I’m screaming inside my head. I’m just tired.

I have PCOS, which among other things makes me infertile, fat, sad, and angry.

I have PTSD, which among other things makes me unable to live day to day life in a normal fashion.

When I was very young I was surrounded by my mother, who verbally abused me, my step father, who sexually abused—raped me, and my biological father who was and continues to be a drug addict. I […]

This last year i have felt so much more alive, i finally felt that i had escaped the hell i was living in, the hatred and the desire for the end. But now here it is again, popping up every now and again. No matter what i do i can never escape it, it is always there in the back of my mind. Why not just do it. I am so afraid that i will never be able to escape this….maybe this is who i really am and I’m just fighting the inevitable. Should i just let it come out, and finish what i started.

Let […]

I’m so tired of putting on this mask every day.  I go through each day pretending to be happy, forcing myself to smile and laugh at my coworkers when at the same time, all I want to do is run away from there and never go back.   I feel like anytime I talk to someone face to face, it’s the exact same thing as when I talk to a client on the phone that is across the country.  “Hi, this is Jerry!  I’m so happy right now!  I’m here to help you and nothing else matters!”  That’s what I say on the surface, but how […]

tried to end it last night….epic fail. See I told you I would fail! I always do, with everything. Time to put on that smile again, untill its time….I hope it’s this year.

Hello guys

I don’t have time to talk this evening, just popping  in. I hope you are all doing well and hanging in there. Tomorrow is another day. Keep fighting the good fight.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. You are the people who deserve it. 🙂

Ruins

🙁

The Way People Treat Me

Stay Alive []

Die [x]