The days now drag on. Not getting better. I have 3 weeks they said until I start to. Each day and each thought push me closer to doing it. I’m still wondering why I haven’t. The fear took me over and let me go. My mind doesn’t stop, doesn’t let me rest. It keeps me up and it asks me why I’m letting it suffer. I have no answers. No one does. I guess I’m living on the hope that someone might. That I could actually get better. I doubt it. I highly doubt it. I feel like a freak. Afraid to let anyone know […]

Such as my username suggests, I’m not sure who I am and am still searching.  I’m 20 right now and I just feel pretty depressed as many are.  I am always confused as to what the meaning of my responses or actions to anything is.  If I do something kind..do i do this kind thing because I am a kind person or because acting kind is part of what I was raised to do because it is the most acceptable way to act in this life?   I have one true friend..one best friend and she’s my roommate at our dorm and always cooks for the […]

i recently met someone terrifying.

someone with problems of his own, who has been nothing but sincerely kind to me since i met him.

when i feel hurt, it’s overwhelming. the strongest power anyone can hold over me is being capable of hurting my feelings.

i don’t remember what this “trust” thing is. i cannot begin to comprehend giving someone that power.

this person is patient and respectful and if i could trust anyone, it’d be him. i honestly don’t know how to trust someone when the idea of it cripples me with fear.

If i died right now…would anyone even care.. i dont think so… I bet no one would even know if i was gone..

I met a lady.  One from my past who knows the rumors about my phobias and psychosis.  She does not seem to be judgmental at all.  The meds are working. I am defiantly still suicidal, but things are looking up.

Although I am hopeful, I still have these unrelenting doubts that come with sudden success.  All of these great feelings of happiness could easily become a memory in a matter of a moment.  What ifs are simply overwhelming, but for some reason I do not care as much as I used to.

The most important feeling I have right now is I simply feel a connection with the person I […]

Because I know I do.

alone again. here we are trying to hang by a thread. But goin nowhere fast. With nowhere to run. I dont care thou. The options are suicide or change of scenery. Anyone else out there considering suicide Ever consider chancing living wildly first? Knowing i have suicide has opened doors in my mind

It’s not mine but it still says alot.

Sorry I’m not perfect
Sorry I’m not true
Sorry I’m not happy
Sorry I’m not you

Sorry I’m not there
Sorry I’m not that extraordinary
Sorry I’m not thin
Sorry I’m just ordinary

Sorry I’m outspoken
Sorry I don’t share
Sorry I don’t need you
Sorry you were never there

Sorry I’m not comfortable
Sorry your the same
Sorry that I won’t change
Sorry I’m not a game

Sorry I’m here
Sorry I won’t be gone
Sorry you don’t care for me
Sorry if I’m wrong

Sorry for what I’m about to do
Sorry but I can’t stay
Sorry but I’m going to […]

Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Broken truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again
What I fear and what I try
Words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It’s still the same, pursuing pain
Isn’t worth the lie I’ve gained
We both know how it will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is […]

I’ve been so relieved the past few days now that I have my out. (waiting for the materials to get here) I saw my med provider yesterday and skirted around the topic. I’ve been working with her for several years, now. She sort of doubles as a therapist.

She said, “What about your sister? And neice? Friends? And what about us?” She reminds me that my “choice” to die would effect many people for as long they live.

So I’m supposed to keep plodding on in order to save everyone in my life having to deal […]

“Happiness is not a reward; it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment; it is a result.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll

It all just seems so pointless…

You never know how alone you really are until you look around and no one is there. Yes, I have friends who say that they’re there for me, but are they really? Well, that’s what they want me to think. By them telling me that they are, they think I believe it. Where are they now? Where have they been? They may be here physically, right beside me most of the time, but they aren’t really. For the last two years I have suffered from depression, gone though a long phase of anorexia, bulimia and cutting, no one knows about my struggle other than my closest […]

Do you ever just want to fade away? Have no one think of you or what you’ve done, and not deal with the shit you’ve made. I do not know where this all began I’m really only a 14 year old girl. Do you ever feel like you are being watched all the time? Like they are watching you and laughing at you and being hurt by you, and judging you all the time? Well I do. It’s this constant feeling of judgement, I feel. And the pressure is literally beginning to kill me. I just can’t handle it anymore. I feel like everything I […]

Someone tell me to just fucking do it already. I don’t care if things will get better, I don’t care if I’m good, I don’t care, if life is good. I just want to do it. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want encouragement. I want somebody to tell me that I can be brave enough to just do it.

How can I continue to trudge day in and day out when I have no purpose?  When I have no reason to go on or get out of bed? I am really trying to find a purpose, a reason, but to no avail.  I just don’t care about anything, and that is the worst of all, when you just don’t give a sh*t about anything.  It’s been like this for the last 7 years, and it’s absolute hell.  I really want to find a reason to go on, but I just haven’t found it, and as it drags on, I grow more restless.

I feel like everyday I just closer and closer to it. Everything is just to much for m to take and I feel like no one even cares. I have some friends, but they wouldn’t care, they don’t even like me, no one likes me. Maybe some family would care, but they have to they’re family. My mom wouldn’t care though. She =’s never cared. I’m just a waste. Someone much better could come along and take my place, they would forget and everything would be fine for them.

Unfortunately, I have returned. Aha. I’m laughing. Why? Because it’s not that I have ‘returned’, I’ve always been here. I’m just in the front right now. Clara has decided to pull out of the frame and I am here once more. Belle.

Now… I’ve managed to get her body a little bit addicted to sex. She’s horny a lot… and well… Clara isn’t one to try and be horny a lot. She doesn’t want to feel anything towards anyone other than her dearly beloved who passed away almost a fucking year ago. I can’t wait for when she realizes how needy she truly is. You would […]

I don’t WANT to kill myself-right now I am afraid to-but if I had the courage I would do it.

I was severely depressed before my mom died 6 weeks ago but I have been EXTREMELY depressed ever since then.

I do not want to talk with someone on the phone right now-just online-ideally IM chat with them-one on one.

Can ANYONE steer me in right direction?

Thank you.

A few days ago i was in choir when my directer told us to shut our eyes and think of something sad. So we all shut our eyes and suddenly a sad memory popped into my head. This is what i thought…

A few years ago there was this really nice family that my family was friends with. There was a Mom a Dad and a little girl named Emmria. The little girls parents would yell some times but not too much. But one day thee were yelling and the mom left. They broke up and the little girl was sad. The dad missed the mom […]