I thought that, finally, we were starting to be a normal family, a happy family. I thought that two days ago. I was being really naive. My dad seemed to be more happy, more like he was when I was a child. But no. He usually leaves the house for days, but I thought those days were ended. Just because he seemed really happy. He left the house on thursday. First he go out and come back, then he leave saying something like “Be back at 3 am , but I didn’t understand what he said. Thanks, daddy.
It’s my fault too. He’s loveless, and my attitude  to him doesn’t help. I […]

you wouldnt know
becaause shes happy
or she looks like so
you wouldnt know
she looks like fun
its a mask
you wouldnt know
she has so many friends
she can only go to one for help
you wouldnt know
she doesnt have scars
oh yes she does but there hidden
you wouldnt know
she couldnt cry
she does all the time
you wouldnt know
because she is a fake
she looks like she has it all
but spend sometime
you will see
that this girl is crumbling
you will see
just wait and see
that this girl
is me.

i write out this poem
with a blade not a scribe
the ink keeps on flowing
for my next diatribe
i hate you, i hate you
you ridiculous ****
i wish to bid you adieu
so let me be blunt
you disgust me, you’re vile
and i can’t get away
you get me so riled
with all that you say
the thought of your death
it fills me with glee
drawing last breaths
i realise you’re me

Why won’t you let me help you?

My advice, its sound, but she won’t seek help.

The herald, he came, he gave me the sign

The profiles

The dossier

She thinks they all hate her but he tailed them for a while

They go home and they think of her, they look at a picture, they watch her Facebook, crying tears of worry, because they don’t want her gone

And nor does he, watch him, I see him every day, he will see her And I know what will run through his mind, but with that? Not sadness, but a determination that could surpass an Olympic runner, because all he can ever […]

Her face is puffy and red, while painful tears stream down her sad face.
She cries out loudly, hoping someone will hear her silent screams.
So many voices going through her head,
telling her how better she would feel if she were dead.
She places her shaking hands over her ears, trying not to listen.
She yells out once again for help, yet no one comes to her rescue.
She then remains sitting there on her cold bathroom floor, while the clock ticks by.
Her body begins to shake uncontrollably, unable to stop it all.
Starting to realize that no one cares, feeling so alone and helpless.
She finally comes to the decision that […]

my heart shatters and breaks, clatters and shakes,
i’m still not quite sure how much more i can take,
you leave me half-mad and weak, so bad i can’t speak,
i know i can’t deal with all the havoc you wreak
i’m left babbling and crying, dabbling and trying
to keep my head above water, i feel that i’m dying,
it’s not pleasant or grand, at present or planned,
but i’d give up my all for a hold of your hand.

If I told you who I was

Would I still be beautiful

Would I be everything you wanted me to be?

I don’t see much chance in anything changing

But I keep on trying in the end

Maybe it’s not really up to me

If I told you who I was

Who would that make me?

Who lets themselves give in?

I wish I knew the answers to my questions

If I told you who I was

What would you do?

Would you run away? Would you cower?

I think I’ve lost all my power… Over me

The pain to go in front of the mirror and see someone else staring back

The pain getting through school and being called a women for god knows how many fucking times

The pain when people make you feel like a women

The pain when the real you suffocates emotionally because no one will cope with seeing them or meeting them for once

The pain in those days were you feel severe dysphoria and no matter how much you fucking try to hide it it doesn’t hide enough

The pain when your parents expect you to look beautiful, and expect you to change because they don’t like you for you

The […]

i’m so embarrassed of my behavior and some of the comments i’m going to make but i cant stop them. this is how i feel and i cant change it.

i need help learning how to handle situations i cant control. and i need help staying calm. i’m only 19 and i’ve always been depressed. when i was only 15 i was put onto an anti depressant and another medicine to help prevent panic attacks.

i’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, we broke up for about a year in between though. it was so hard. i honestly believe that nobody else in this […]

no one is truly alone..we are all different, we all have our own story…but we all share the same pain. I have come to realize that I was so unhappy, so alone and so scared about everyones thoughts about me..that I lost sight of all the beauty in the world..we all ask the same question..why are we here? we get so down on ourselves because we let other people have control of our feelings..NO MORE. out in this world, its every man for himself..you’ve got to believe in yourself, and be you. who cares what everyone thinks, who cares what they have to say. we […]

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Not sure I want to hang myself.  I’m hoping i have to avoid that method as it is rather scary. I am barred from buying a gun. That seems like it would be easiest considering we can’t get barbiturates.  I have a ******** tank setup all ready to go but alarm, panic, and lots of air hunger came about.

So I just got back from scouting two areas that would support a 6 foot hang drop. I found a couple places in a heavily wooded recreational area 15 minutes from my house.  3 swing sets that have a horizontal pole about 11 feet across would be […]

hi there, yes you, the one reading this dont stop now i know you want to. life is really UN fair and u know it but don’t give up now, there may be a lot of pain in your life weather its emotional or physical but don’t stop trying. if you want to die just please don’t give up, if i can fight through this you can…. but I’m not out of the woods yet i feel suicidal everyday i feel im worthless, screwed up and an abandoned lonely teenaged girl, so me you and anyone else can fight through this togeher and if you need me ill be there for […]

During a drive I wasn’t going anywhere particular just driving and looking at  life pass me by through the windows.  Slowly over the years I find myself more unable to connect with the outside world I slowly become more paranoid and less trustful of the strangers I see.  I even find it hard to leave the house to go to a shop, I was going to get a book I was interested in that’s why I was originally in my car until I turned around and just drove around aimlessly, not the first time that’s happened.  I used to pass the time playing the xbox, […]

On Thursday 4th October, I had a mental health assessment. During which concerns for my well being arisen. I told her about my rope and the plans.. And she admitted me to Hospital. In which I stayed until Monday 8th October.

For the first night, I believed i might have a chance of going home the next day. So I felt okay being there. On the Friday I had a meeting with two Intensive care workers, Who wanted to keep me in until Monday where i would have another assessment. I also had to have a 1to1 nurse at all times. Even when i was sleeping, they had […]

Mood’s crashed. I knew it wasn’t going to last long. I had a pretty good week, things were going alright i even made a new friend 🙂 but no, i’m not allowed to have that level of peace in my life.

Those same fears are creeping back in. One at a time, they’re sort of bypassing the firewall so to speak. I’m sick at the moment as well, so that’s not helping much. Haven’t cried but to be honest i think it’s just a matter of time. I’m trying to keep busy, like i said i made a new friend and he’s lovely, i’ve tried doing […]

Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m slowly suffocating. Sometimes my heart clenches up and I just get lost in the pain. Sometimes I cry for no reason, and no one notices. Sometimes I tremble and shake and I lose control of myself. Sometimes I slip up and for a second I feel so vulnerable and exposed. Sometimes I wonder who would care if it ended for me and I stop living this lie. Sometimes I say things to try to reach out, but they don’t seem to be listening or just don’t care. Sometimes I disappear and no one looks for me. […]

Note: If I seem like I’m holding back it’s because I’m a little paranoid because my mom found the notes I hid on my laptop 2 days ago

One year to 11 months ago I started feeling empty inside  it was kind out of nowhere, when I started school (i had just started high school) I was in a performing arts program and took dance during the weeks and after a while into the school year( not so far in late September) I decided to quit and drop everything because it was getting overwhelming and I was losing interest in it even though I enjoyed these things […]

wow, now my ex said that he still loves me. and i does too ..

and now are two very good friends mad at me .. and i’m not allowed anymore to come to them when i got problem with him .. is that now good or bad?

HELP !

Thinking of suicide ? You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper infront of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again – for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t kn

ow where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what […]