i dont understand really

whats the point. whats the point in going to school. whats the point in studying or learning. or going to college, or even getting a job. well sure, you can’t mooch off ur parents for the rest of ur lives, and you need money to help u survive this damned world, but whats the point?

I go to school, sure, a few friends, but friends who dont actually know shit about me, and they’ve been seeing me for at least 2 years now. i study hard, but it’s not like i actually get any better at being smart. i just stuff information in my head, and […]

As some of you may know, my birthday was on thursday, obviously my suicide attempt failed. Now im officialy 13…not that that matters or anything its just…i dont think anyone will take me seriously aboukt any of my posts…well its been a month and school starts soon, so that means: parents are going to check my history, look through my pictures, and probably go in my dream box…and im tinking about taking my cousins ‘special’ pain killers…

Last year i almost killed myself, but insteed i just cut. I choose places on my arm where i would be safe to cut so i wouldnt end up dying, even though i wanted to die so bad i made sure i didnt come near killing myself.
The reason i choose to just cut is because of my brother, i have two younger brothers one 9 the other turning 8. These boys are the ONLY thing keeping me alive, they need me the most. After my parents broke up my sister took a turn and mum became protective, i was the only fun in my […]

this is to hopefully lighten you day/night up a bit 😛

Okay, so earlier tonight the boyfriend and I had a massive fight. He came back about 10 minutes ago and came in and asked if I love him and so on. I said I did and he ran back to his car. I was confused and so I looked out the window and saw him grab a ring sized box. I remembered back to a few weeks ago when he made a comment that he was so sure I was the one for him that he would marry me that day to prove it. All […]

School starts Monday.

I don’t know what to feel about either.  24 and most people I went to school with are done and have jobs and spouses.  I know it shouldn’t get to me but it still does.

I don’t think I want to die right now but I don’t feel great.  While I do well in school I feel retarded in normal everyday situations.  I fear that this will hold me back, as it has in the past.  I don’t think anybody in my previous jobs respected me.  Not that being a respected line cook or pizza delivery driver really means anything to me (no offense), […]

Well I’m trying to comment on people’s things here and I really feel like I can help myself and others by sharing and talking. Unfortunately all of my comments are requiring moderation. Anybody know why?

When i wake up i already crave a bucket or a cocktail.

4 Nights ago i fucked a guy. i dont think i ever regret anything as much as this.
3 Nights ago i passed out in front of our bungalow. i woke up on the ground . my head still hurts.
2 nights ago i was at the halfmoon party. before i was even drunk i fell. my whole foot was open and i could barely walk. i drank a lot to not feel the pain. After 3 buckets i felt nothing and danced for a couple of hours. we w
ere home around 5. […]

Knives are put in the back, words are said, it all comes back to me and now I’m left alone. It always happens, yet I keep trying to convince myself that it will be different next time. But this time I know that it won’t. I now realize that I’m just a stupid seventeen year old trying to see this world for something it’s not… good. I’m done this time. I’m not going to pretend anymore. I’m just going to be little old forever alone me and forget that I ever had so called friends and family… it’s the only way

CPC

I cant do this anymore. Im not leaving you, Im just leaving. I am broken. I am worthless. I am just going to go away and find someplace to die. I am sorry I ruined your life. I am sorry I ruined the kids lives. They will be better off without me. They will forget me soon enough. They have no one who cares without us and now I have to leave and they have even less. I am sorry. I have become a bad influence on them. I cant think right anymore. Its better that I remove myself from them. the state has been […]

I have a family so I should be happy but I wasn’t.  I had an affair it should’ve made me happy but it didn’t.  I told a friend about the affair.  He told me that isn’t a proper affair.  That he would show me what love really means.  He did, I fell in love.  I wanted to sneak away on a vacation to meet him and date.  But, if I go anywhere without my family’s permission they would disown me and keep me from my child.  So for a day I deliberated try for a chance at happiness or stay in misery for your family’s […]

Don’t want to wake

My will is weak

My heart is cold

My life is bleak

I soon will die

You ask whats wrong

I say I’m fine

If I should die before next time

I hope your strong

I say goodbye

I am emotionally numb. I recognize that my emotions are there deep beneath but I do not connect with them. Almost as if they are not real. As if I’m possibly inventing them, in an attempt to pacify a need in me to be normal and socially accepted. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if what I feel is anxiety. I can’t speak in public and don’t leave my house much because I don’t want to socialize due to my negative self-image and inability to really empathize with others adequately. But is that considered anxiety? I don’t know. Sometimes […]

I was dating the most amazing girl I could ever have dreamed of for a year. We used to call things ama-zing and that’s how I always referred to her. We had been good friends for a while before we started dating and I always had a crush on her. I never thought that she would actually go out with me, so I never tried. One day she confronted me and told me how she felt and I was so confused. I completely blew it and acted like I didn’t feel the same way. About 8 months later I finally got the courage to tell […]

We treat friends like strangers and strangers like friends.

If you don’t know me and you care, then you’re up to something.

If you know me and don’t care, then you’re dead weight in my life and I’m going to scrape you off.

Stop shoving the troubled people in your lives off on strangers.

I adapted this from an anonymous poem:

Don’t Judge Me

Don’t judge me for how I left this world,
Remember the love I gave,
A lot of grief has followed me
Drowning me like an ocean wave.

Changes intrude on everyone’s life
Some are good and some are bad,
All the change in recent years
Has made me very sad.

But in time the memories
will from your hearts the hurt release
And my presence will be felt by all
With an inner peace.

Remember me when the sun is bright
And laughter fills the air
And a moonlit night and a whisper of wind
Will tell you I am […]

Hi there, SP! Since my username is Harbinger, so I guess you can call me that, but I really don’t care. Anyway, I have been lurking this site for almost a year now, but it could be longer. And now, I finally decided to make an account and start posting, perhaps. I’ve always felt kind of.. intimidated? by the prospect of sharing problems, and other things like that with people. Especially friends, for reasons I’m not sure of. However, lately, I’ve really just needed a way to get my mind off things, and posting here seems like it would help. And so, without further ado, […]

I have not posted here in over a year. I went through a very brief period of “remission” from my depression. When it returned, it did so with a vengeance. I am now 57 years old and have never been able to recover from the combination of heart related issues I first suffered 3 years ago.

I am now isolated in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains where I am companion to my 84 year old mother who has dementia.

I have been in the process of applying for SSDI since late last year. The hospital has just […]

Someone once told me that to love was to live in pain. I’ve never known a truer statement. Today my brother asked me to go into his room, take his guns and knives, and hide them so that he would not kill himself. He sat down and cried. I have never seen my brother cry. I myself struggle with the idea of suicide, but to hear the words coming from someone I love so much ripped the air from my lungs. I thought that in that moment, he had taken his knife and plunged it into my heart. Perhaps this is why I never told […]

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but, I HATE BEING ALONE!

..umm yeah im not myself.

LEAVE ME ALONE!
but i hate being alone…HELP ME? im so confused. WTF??

I love how when you are upset people around you always say “talk to someone. It will help.” so you go to them and begin to pour out your miserable story..and they don;t listen. they re too busy. The don;t care. They just laugh and say you are crazy. You write it down so someone can read it. and they laugh and say woww you are a great writer! And inside your head you are screaming at them…THAT IS ABOUT ME! IM THE CHARECTER!!!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE!!! but on the outside you just say thanks and “effortlessly” flow to another topic of conversation. rbut […]