when i was a little girl i was happy
i didn’t think anything could hurt me
didn’t know about the world just waiting to destroy me

when i was a little girl i was innocent
i didn’t break rules
didn’t go looking for trouble
not like i do now

when i was a little girl i had many friends
i made friends very easily
everyone wanted to be my friend
that is no longer the case

when i was a little girl i knew what i wanted
i knew i wanted to have a family
a good job. someone to love and care for
now im not sure

when […]

So my brother thought he would sit me down and have a long chat with me about all the mistakes i am making in my life because i obviously don’t see it.
Usually when he starts his criticism rant i just walk off and that’s the end. Except this time all i could do was sit there. I have a broken leg and my crutches were strategically placed away from me. Also how can i walk away on crutches… very slowly and he’d just follow anyway. Plus i was living in HIS house at the time so it’s not like i could go anywhere.

Although i am […]

it will always be the person you least expect,nomatter how many times you dye your hair, or change your appearence,your still you and your nothing special, not like everyone els,life is overrated,so whats so special about making the best outa having nothing, having noone,being used consinly, every time you stick your face out the front door, you fail to make it any futher,everytime you stick your face out the front door, someone says there your freind, but they aint,they either use you, or call you once and find you worthless enough to never answer or call you again,the only person that has ever made me […]

Sick of constantly breaking down, angry, I become someone I’m not when I’m angry and I can’t control it, begging to not be alive, punching walls, tensing,

Advice?

Worry.

Little angel, don’t you see how beautiful you are?
It’s time to stand up and wipe the tears from your eyes.
You are fighting this hopelessness and the end  seems so far.
For every second that passes, it feels like a part of you dies.
And they make you feel as if your feelings are not up to par.
But it is time to be strong cus I’m right beside you, fighting the lies

You’ve been fighting for so long,
Little Angel
Can’t you feel that you are strong,
Little Angel
Because it is in you that I see hope,
Little Angel
It was you who […]

Breath fogging

the air is so cold and crisp

my red jacket

laces are wet from the dew

the brown leaves dancing

sneakers kicking

splashing the puddles

the slightest scent of the so dark asphalt

my backpack thrown so high

just missing the branches

sky slate gray

rain falling

drips from my hair just before my eyes

she is watching

under her yellow umbrella

she smiles

a walk is a journey

the moment lives as long as I

the child I was

haunting me

It’s almost 11 AM and it’s a beautifully warm day outside. But I have been awake for hours and I’m still lying in my bed in my messy room feeling sad. Part of me really wants to go outside and enjoy the rare UK sunshine, but there’s something stopping me: i’m just really not feeling up to speaking with my family, or with anybody to be honest. And I know that this is stupid and lying in a dark bedroom feeling sad will just make it all feel worse. But I can’t do it… I can’t go out and pretend everything is okay and normal […]

I can imagine the wind in my face, as I leap off the bridge. Into the river, no one would ever find me.
I mean nobody cares, I’m the girl who everyone thinks is nicee and funny, but I’m always the second fiddlee.
I have no self-confidence anymore. Whatever I’m good at, I know someones better. No matter if people say I’m pretty, I think I’m ugly. I feel like I’m so stupid. No one notices me, so why the fuck should I keep trying so hard.
Im going to die anyway, why not now? Everything is so pointless, I just don’t care anymore.
There’s […]

So I guess I never really considered trying to write out my story anywhere, but maybe getting it all down will help me put it into perspective, help me decide whether or not I can take this, haha. 

I’m turning 17 this December and my most frequent thought is generally that “I’m so young why is everything already so bad.”
j
I should be out, enjoying life, enjoying myself, going places with my life, planning for post secondary. 

But nothing is happening, I’m not doing anything. Lack of motivation is a horrible thing isn’t it?

I grew up in Canada, having moved to BC when I was just […]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.   The story of Rapunzel I mean.  Not the Disney one the original.

Her life is sort of how my life was.  I never thought I belonged to my mother.  I always felt like I was born to some other family and then stolen away by her.  The original story of Rapunzel is that when her real mother was pregnant with her she desired to eat the plant rapunzel, which is a desert flower and is a very difficult plant to grow.   The witch Mother Gothel  grew a magical magnificent garden with all kinds of plants and flowers.  Among them […]

I know that they won’t understand, and it is so frustrating. My mother has noticed the scars, how could she not, and she has since been trying to get me to talk to her. Her methods have included getting angry, trying to guilt me into talking to her and giving me ultimatums. The other day she confronted me right in front of my little brother, and today when we were arguing he said, “well atleast they don’t cut myself”. I thought my family would be different. I thought they loved me enough to atleast try to understand but no. My mother is as blunt as […]

im really bord,have asomnia,does anyone think alot?so much that you foget what you were thinking about 30 seconds ago?what if someone on this website lived right next door to you?or what if its your own teacher or co worker and you have no idea?do you ever think of that?after thinking of that, idont think i could ever say my real name,especially after i said i took a buch of pills last night,i hate life,wisconsin is so boring,i want to live by the ocean,sorry if anyone likes wisconsin,nothing fun ever goes on here,im really depressed and happy at the same time, its driveing me crazy,im only […]

Does anyone know if, by law, a 17 year old can get a psychiatric evaluation without parental consent? I know I can’t receive medication, but I am not sure about the evaluation part. I live in Michigan if that helps anything… any answers would be appreciated 🙂

i really dont get some the reasons for open caskets,before the funerals, they say its respectful to look at who ever is dead laying in there coffin, as everyone is standing in aline waiting to look.so im saposibly the disrespectful one that doesnt look, but tell me,if i really loved that person, why would i want the last image in my head to be of them laying in a coffin dead?if i only had one very last memory, why would i want it to be of them dead? why? that horrible?when my step dad died and i got close enough up to the open casket […]

What’s the point?

1.  No money.

2.  No job.

3.  No food.

4.  Pretty soon, no place to live

5.  Medical bill that can’t be paid.

ALL ADDS UP TO:

NO HOPE.

TIME TO GO BUY THE ROPE.

I have never felt that I have belonged in this world.  I grew up Mormon and am gay.  I am NOT condemning the Mormon church at all in any way; I am just saying that was difficult to grew up in being who I am and therefore don’t feel like I belong there.  That being said, I don’t feel like I belong to the whole gay “scene”. Growing up Mormon has influenced this I know.  I know I haven’t explained this too well but I am just trying to give a glimpse of how there are two very different worlds and I belong in neither.

This […]

Please excuse any grammatical errors or the fact that the discourse I use may be somewhat childish.

I’m currently hospitalised in a psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt on the 14th of May. Overdose was my first preferace at suicide and I took copious amounts of morphine, valium, lorazepam and codeine. Fortunatetly for me my body realised the danger it was in and was able to remove a lot of the codeine and valium before i was able to ingest a lethal dose.

For most of my life I’ve suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, the natural progression of the two lead to an […]

So where to I start. As a child my parents did drugs some times they gave to people for drugs. Iwould have to be there slave for 2 to 3 days to pay for there drugs. At the age of 12 we lost our house so we had to live up in the mountians. It was winter I had to take baths in a really cold crek. I finnaly got smart and started to take showers at school. I have had to go to churchs and beg for food. When I was 12,13, and 14 i had to go stand out on the corner and […]

I have met lots of people from my journey in life, some are like me, yearning for suicide (usually from the internet), though many of them have said that for years without a sound, so I have no choice but assume that some of them are simply trolls looking for attention. I feel lucky to survive my attempt at suicide, and since then I have met some people that have also escaped their own hands of death. However, today, I would like to share the story of a friend that was not so fortunate. For the purpose of the story, the names will be changed.

Alex […]

i am happy. this time i can be truely happy with him.i don’t have to worry about what people think about me. i don’t have to plan my death. i dont have to cry myself to sleep every night. i am not wanting to die anymore. it is all because of that one guy who has been with me for everything.

why didn’t i notice him before? he has been with me for every guy. every guy i thought was my soulmate. they dont mean anything to me anymore. he has been there for me this whole time and i never noticed, because i was trying […]